


Doll Parts.

by theweakestthing



Category: Misfits (TV 2009)
Genre: Aaaaaaaaangst, Alisha and Curtis aren't together, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Time Travel, Don’t copy to another site, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Messy Gays, Nathan is his own warning, No hoodie/guy in the mask, Recreational Drug Use, Sad gays, Suicidal Thoughts, background Kelly/Alisha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 06:10:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 54,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19371019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: "I love him so much it just turns to hate.I fake it so real, I am beyond fake.And someday, you will ache like I ache."Nathan doesn't want to think anymore, he doesn't want to feel anything.Alternatively titled: "Nathan Young wants to pretend that he doesn't have feelings."





	1. Chapter 1

There was a void inside him.

People always went on about love as though it were some beautiful fulfilling thing, something that their whole life revolved around. There were a billion songs about it. More movies than he had time to watch about it. People talk about it constantly as though it were the only thing in the world.

Nathan experienced it as a gnawing and gaping hole in his chest that was only getting wider.

It wasn’t real, he didn’t really love Simon, but it sure felt like it at the time and he couldn’t get rid of those memories. He couldn’t strike out what he’d said and done. It had completely consumed him. He’d even written a love letter, which he hoped for the life of him that Simon didn’t read.

In a way, it reminded him of how his mum had been the centre of his world when he was younger. Nathan knew from a young age that his dad was a worthless piece of shit. It had taken a lot longer for him to realise that his mother didn’t care that much about him either, but when he was younger she was all he had and he’d loved her.

He’d loved Simon but not by choice.

Simon hadn’t wasted any time in poking fun at him after. Nathan didn’t blame him, he would have gone straight for the kill too, no hesitation.

“You don’t love me anymore then?” Simon had said, smirking.

He didn’t, but he sort of wished he did, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so empty.

“So I loved you, big deal,” Nathan bit back, completely ignoring whatever everyone else was saying and bulldozed straight through the noise. “If we’d have had sex, it would have been the best sex you’d ever had. Correction, the only sex you’d ever had!” He exclaimed as though that was supposed to make him feel or look better.

“Don’t you ever get embarrassed by anything?” Kelly asked, judging him with those huge wide eyes.

“Not really, no,” he said reflexively. The hole inside him gaped.

 

* * *

 

Kelly always noticed things first. Since she could hear people’s thoughts she was usually the first one to know something. He had hoped that Kelly would have the decency not to mention it. Of course Nathan wasn’t so lucky.

As they were get dressed in the locker room after another long day of scraping shitty neon club posters off of walls, they were talking about going to a club since it was Friday and all. Nathan wasn’t exactly excited about going to a club, his last experience troubled him from time to time, but he’d always jump at the chance for a distraction. Especially when he could maybe get someone to buy him pity drinks.

“Come out with us tonight, you’ve been a miserable prick all week,” Kelly said, her tone a kind of soft that took effort.

“Hey, I may be a prick but I’m not miserable,” Nathan said turning toward her, mock hurt.

“You coming or not?” Kelly asked, too used to Nathan’s shit to bother giving him any recognition.

“Yeah, I’ll come, but you gotta buy me a drink, I’m not some cheap whore ya know,” Nathan said, hip jutting to the side as he leant against the locker.

“I’ll buy ya a drink,” Kelly said with a smile, “see ya later,” she said as she left waving behind her.

The club was loud and vaguely familiar, but every shithole with graffiti on the walls looked the same. Kelly had brought him a drink as promised and Nathan sunk into the first sip. He relaxed into his skin and slumped back into his seat, ignoring the way that Kelly and Simon were watching him.

Alisha came over with some girl. Nathan sized her up because he sized everyone up, she definitely wouldn’t go for it so Nathan didn’t try. Instead he sipped at his beer and cowed Simon into the corner while pretending that he wasn’t.

“This is Courtney, she’s got a power too,” Alisha announced, voice raised over the music, introducing the girl beside her.

“What’s your power?” Kelly asked, her tone a little firm, but no one could blame her for being guarded at this point. Most of the people they met with powers had tried to kill them or least caused trouble for them.  

“Who should I do it to?” Courtney asked Alisha.

Apparently Alisha didn’t need to think about it and instantly pointed at Nathan, “him.”

“Me? Your power better not be ball torture,” Nathan said, sneering over his beer.

“Tell me a secret,” Courtney said, her voice took on an echo like quality and sounded kind of pitched down.

“I stop existing when no one’s looking at me,” Nathan couldn’t stop the words from coming out, it didn’t really feel like it was him that was saying it.

It didn’t seem like a big deal, no one was shocked. But Nathan felt as though he were crumbling. There were too many secrets that he couldn’t let leave his mouth.

“That’s not exactly a secret mate,” Curtis said, lifting his beer to his lips.

“Yeah, everyone knows I’m an attention whore, it’s the most obvious thing about me,” Nathan said flippantly swishing his hand in the air, landing on his feet like a cat.

“You want me to ask you again,” Courtney warned coyly.

“No thanks, you just mentally raped me, you rapist,” Nathan said, pointing wildly at her, leaning out of his seat and holding himself up with a firm hand on Simon’s shoulder.

“Stop calling me a rapist,” Courtney snapped.

“Stop raping people,” he replied quickly.

She rolled her eyes, took another suck on her straw and announced to no one but Alisha that she was going to dance. Alisha followed and Kelly followed after her. Curtis was eyeing a girl in the crowd. And Simon was sat rigid beside him looking just happy to be there.

Nathan was suddenly left to his own devices and tried his best not to think about the last time he’d been in this kind of situation, tried not to think about his brother and drained his beer.

“Is it bothering you?” Simon asked suddenly, voice raised over the music.

“What could possibly be bothering me?” Nathan smiled, leaning back against the seat as though nothing could bother him ever.

“The thing with your brother,” Simon said, stumbling over the words.

“Oh you mean the thing where he died in a ball of flame and I saw his ghost?” Nathan asked sharply, somewhat delighting in the way Simon winced.

“I’m sorry,” Simon murmured and Nathan barely caught it over the thrumming music.

“Whatever,” Nathan said. He rose from his seat and made his way to the toilet.

He clambered into a stall and sat on the seat. The graffiti on the walls and door had been written over so many times that it was illegible which made it completely pointless. Nathan dropped his head into his hands, pushed his fingers through his hair.

The last time Nathan had sat in a bathroom stall like this he left it looking for his brother. He’d never seen his brother alive again. There were flames in front of his eyes and Nathan had to leave right then.

He slammed through the doors, out into the chilled night air. Nathan pulled out a cigarette, put into his mouth and patted himself down for a lighter. It took a moment but eventually Nathan lit his cigarette. He sighed heavily on the first drag and watched the smoke twist into the night before him.

“Nathan,” Simon’s voice came from the doorway.

“What do you want? You lose your gay card?” Nathan said, it was pretty weak but Nathan rationalised that he just wasn’t on form and couldn’t be expected to bring his A game constantly.

Simon wasn’t who he wanted to see when he was feeling like garbage. Looking at him set a hollow yearning for something that wasn’t real inside him, he wanted to fall in love with him and he hated him for it.

“Are you okay?” Simon asked, wide fish eyes tinged with concern.

“I’m just peachy,” Nathan said, smiling around his cigarette.

Simon stood with Nathan, not saying anything and just generally being as awkward as possible. It was painful to be a part of. Nathan had never done well in awkward situations, he couldn’t be held accountable for what he did in those moments, it was like an allergic reaction.

“You wanna go get drunk somewhere else?” Nathan asked, blowing smoke in Simon’s direction.

“Okay,” Simon agreed.

Nathan pitched his cigarette and let it die on the concrete before he walked off down the street with Simon trailing beside him.

He didn’t want to go back to the community centre. It was the sight of something between him and Simon. He didn’t want the other to think he was going to try to jump him again, he also didn’t want to go back to the complicated and weird feelings he still had about the whole thing. So they went to some dive on the estate.

Simon got them both a beer, another pity drink that Nathan wasn’t above accepting. He drank a third of it straight away.

“I’m not going to talk about my feelings,” Nathan said sternly.

“I wasn’t going to ask you to,” Simon said, frowning in confusion.

“Good,” Nathan said and drank another third of his drink.

“I know you have trouble telling people how you feel,” Simon said, pointing out what would have been obvious to anyone that had known him for more than fifteen minutes.

“Shut up Barry, you don’t know anything,” Nathan spat and finished off the rest of his drink.

Simon didn’t say anything further. He simply sat there stiffly opposite Nathan. Nathan wanted to mess Simon up, wanted to see what he looked like when he loosened up a bit. It seemed like that top button was holding him back.

“What do you think’s going to happen when you die?” Nathan asked, trying to stop thinking all those stupid things about Simon.

“I guess I’ll be dead,” Simon said with a shrug, always so literal.

“I mean, do you think people are going to miss you? Are girls going to cry at your funeral, did girls cry at my funeral?” Nathan asked, mood lifting a little at the thought of hot girls crying at his funeral.

“Kelly cried, I think,” Simon said, face tilted as he tried to remember. It wasn’t sexy at all and completely ruined Nathan’s fantasy.

“What about my mum?” Nathan asked, leaning hard against the table, but then he saw the way Simon sort of flinched at his words. “Scratch that, I don’t want to know,” he said, waving his hand in the air as he tried to swallow down a chocking kind of rejection.

He needed another drink.

Nathan rose from the table without a word and went straight to the bar. He flagged down the bartender and ordered another beer, he stopped himself from downing it straight away and went back over to the table and Simon. He slid into the booth and took a small sip of his drink.

“The thing is, I know that when I die, people are going to forget about me,” Nathan said, as though the whole thing didn’t bother him when it was part of the reason for the gnawing hole tearing at his chest. He didn’t know where it came from, but he was feeling self destructive and the easiest way to hurt himself was by being honest.

“I didn’t forget about you, we didn’t,” Simon said and Nathan didn’t miss the Freudian slip.

“Really?” Nathan asked, feigning less intrigue than he truly had. 

“We visited your grave and dug you up,” Simon said defensively.

“That’s not what I’m asking,” Nathan said, “you said that you personally didn’t forget about me,” he continued, leaning as far over the table as possible. “Did you spend all your time missing me, feeling guilty about how you couldn’t save me, which I am still pissed off about by the way,” he added, poking Simon hard in the chest.

“I tried to save you,” Simon said, his voice was strained, leaning back against the booth and away from Nathan.

“But you didn’t,” Nathan returned snidely.

“I did feel guilty about it,” Simon said brows pinched together in a pained expression.

“But you don’t anymore,” Nathan said raising his drink to his mouth.

“You’re not dead anymore,” Simon returned. He brought his hand to his head and pressed down his hair. “But you’re right I did miss you, despite how much of a twat you are, is that what you want to hear?” He admitted, sounding a little strung out. He sipped at his beer as though he were trying to calm his nerves.

“Not really,” Nathan said, the hole inside him panged. “I should go,” he said and finished his third beer of the night. It wouldn’t be his last but Simon didn’t need to know that.

He slipped out of the booth and left the bar. Simon didn’t follow.

 

* * *

 

Nathan sat in the mezzanine, legs dangling through the bars drinking stolen beer. He wanted to stop feeling things, he wanted to stop thinking. It was so much easier before, before Jamie and before he was reminded of what truly loving someone felt like. He finished off his beer and opened another.

He’d loved Jamie in a way or he’d felt the opportunity to love him, whatever he’d felt it was real and that made it so much worse. At least what he’d felt for Simon wasn’t real.

Even though it wasn’t real, the echoes of it still rippled through him. The ache of it was too real. Reality rushed over Nathan’s head like waves pulling him into a riptide. His brother was dead, he was pretty certain that his parents only loved him as much as they were superficially required to, he’d been stuck in a coffin for so long that he’d lost track of time and shit and pissed himself into oblivion, things had come to a head with Kelly and fizzled out like a shitty sparkler, he’d fallen in and out of love over a matter of days and had died a few times along the way and that was only over the last month or so.

The looking glass was broken and Alice was back in the real world. Dorothy had landed back in Kansas and she was starting to realise how much of a shithole it was.

Nathan wanted it all to go away, he wanted to follow the white rabbit, he’d sprint down the yellow brick road.

He hadn’t done drugs since the night his brother died. He hadn’t even smoked a joint, he didn’t know what it would do to his power and he was actually a little scared about it. It meant that he couldn’t unwind the way he used to. Beer and cigarettes would have to do. Taking large gulps of the beer, Nathan swallowed messily and hoped that he’d pass out before he really started thinking.

Nathan started to wonder what it was like to burn to death. He knew that dying wasn’t fun no matter which way you went, even if it was quick it was still painful. There was nothing but terror in the moment before darkness.

He was kind of craving that darkness. Suddenly the beer in his hand was empty. Nathan opened another, tipped his head back and opened his arms to oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started listening to Hole and writing this was all I could think about because I'm a glutton for that sad gay shit.  
> This fic is going to have a lot of Hole and The Smiths references, I feel like both bands represent Nathan and Simon respectively pretty well.  
> The Nathan/Simon ship manifesto by merrymelody is like the holy grail and has been my guide because even though I have the DVD boxset, I'm not going to go through every episodes and string the canon together myself. God bless.  
> Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy it and you should all watch Moonlight, But I'm A Cheerleader and My Own Private Idaho.


	2. Chapter 2

No one said anything, but Nathan could feel their eyes on him. He hoped that Kelly could hear his hangover. Once he’d started drinking on Friday night, Nathan hadn’t stopped until very early that morning. He was pretty sure that he wouldn’t have passed a breathalyser. They were giving him space, but Nathan hated distance.

He had to reset the status quo, things had to go back to normal. He closed the locker door, spun around on his heels and opened his mouth.

“So I had a blaster of a weekend,” Nathan said, he brought his fingers up to his mouth, making the victory sign and licked grotesquely at the empty space between his fingers.

Curtis sneered, shook his head with exasperation and continued to stare down at his phone. Alisha and Simon were just silently staring at him. Kelly took a step closer to Nathan, clearly interested in gauging how he was doing emotionally.

“Yeah, what did you get up to then?” Kelly asked, practically chomping at the bit to ask him how he was and worry all over him in that stern and matronly way that she did.

“A gentleman never tells,” Nathan said with a wink at Kelly.  

“You, a gentleman, fuck off,” Curtis said with humour.  

“I am the perfect gentleman,” Nathan said and tugged on the lapels of his jumpsuit.

“You’re a perfect prick,” Curtis replied with emphasis.

“How dare you,” Nathan gasped, hand pressed hard to his chest like a shrinking violet. Alisha and Curtis rolled their eyes in unison.  “Anyway, what did you boring fucks get up to?” He asked, pushing the spotlight off of him.

“Actually something fucking hilarious happened Saturday night or really it was Sunday morning,” Alisha said, snapping up the attention that Nathan had thrown away. “This girl I know from college, Sasha, is a striper now right,” she began and instantly Curtis was 100% invested in the conversation. “So she’s telling me that she has this trick she does that gets guys tipping her hundreds every time she does it and-“

Just when she was about to get to the good part, when she had everyone held onto her every word, Shaun came into the locker room.

“Sorry to stop your thrilling tale, but some prick has painted graffiti onto the wall outside, so get on with it,” he said, tone bored, and left the room the instant he’d finished.

Alisha never finished her story.

 

* * *

 

Spraying down the brick wall was mind numbing, it also meant that Nathan couldn’t talk since they had masks over their mouths. The whole look kind of suited Simon, it leaned into the creepy serial killer mastermind thing he had going on. Nathan had noticed it before but somehow it was more striking this time. He hated noticing things about people that other people wouldn’t, he didn’t want to know anything.

“This is bullshit,” Nathan said, he stepped back dramatically and pulled down the mask.

Kelly turned and pulled her mask down. “What?” The rest of the group stopped with her, turning toward Nathan. If one of them wasn’t working then they didn’t see why the rest of them should be.

“This is bullshit, I mean guys like Banksy and all his mates come around spraying their nonsense all over the sides of buildings and leave us to clean up their mess,” Nathan blathered, pointing at the graffiti with the spay nozzle.

“I don’t exactly think this was Banksy,” Curtis said, gesturing to the tag scrawled across the wall.

“Banksy uses stencils,” Simon said. Delivering information that no one cared about.

“I don’t care what he uses it’s still bullshit,” Nathan sneered.

“The quicker we get this bullshit off the wall the quicker we’re done with this fucking garbage,” Kelly said and she pulled her mask back up.

“He just can’t hack it because he’s not talking for more than three second,” Alisha jabbed.

Nathan waved sweetly at her and she flipped him off before she turned back to the graffiti, as did everyone else. And Nathan was left alone with his thoughts again.

Simon caught his eye again.

Handsome shark, sometimes Nathan surprised himself with his own genius, it really was the best way to describe Simon’s strange allure. The cut of his jaw and those flat eyes, it was a perfect analogy.

Simon wasn’t the sort of person that Nathan could have pictured himself falling for before the whole tattoo situation, before he’d fallen for him. Nathan had the sudden urge to down whatever liquid it was that they were spraying the wall with. Who would he have fallen for? Nathan couldn’t picture anyone that would love him, but that wasn’t what he’d been thinking about.

Kelly locked eyes with him then. Nathan tried to think of anything else.

 

* * *

 

Simon usually spent most of the lunch hour alone, maybe it had something to do with how he, Kelly and Alisha smoked or maybe he was too embarrassed about his anally packed lunch. Nathan couldn’t tear his eyes away from the way the sandwiches were cut into prefect neat squares as he dropped down on the bench opposite Simon. The other took an ear bud from his ear and stared quizzically at Nathan.

“Whatcha listening to?” Nathan asked.

Simon blinked at him for moment before answering, he was clearly suspicious of Nathan’s motives, “The Smiths.”

Nathan hadn’t really ever heard The Smiths but it was exactly what he expected Simon to listen to. He reached between them and plucked the ear bud from the tabletop. The music that played was light and eerie, it made him feel sleepy. 

 

> _Sing me to sleep,_
> 
> _Sing me to sleep,_
> 
> _I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore._
> 
> _Sing to me,_
> 
> _Sing to me,_
> 
> _I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore._

 

“Well, isn’t that just slit your wrists in the bathtub cheery,” Nathan said with a sarcastic smile, he took the ear bud out of his ear and dropped it back between them. “What’s it called?”

“Asleep,” Simon replied simply.

“Subtle,” Nathan said with a quirk of his brow.

Simon shrugged and continued to chew on his sandwich. Nathan shouldn’t be there, he thought, he should have been badgering Alisha for the rest of her story. He should have been calling Curtis a lesbian for being on his phone all morning. He should have been smoking on the roof with Kelly. He had no business to be sitting with Simon talking about music of all things.

“What sort of music do you listen to?” Simon asked.

It was obvious that Simon was one of those people that cared a lot about music and had curated his music taste around his personality. He probably thought that his music collection said a lot about him as a person.

“I don’t know, whatever,” Nathan said, laissez-faire. He didn’t even know what he had on his shitty little iPod, he hadn’t been able to put anything on it since his mum had kicked him out. “I usually like whatever’s playing as long as it’s not depressing as fuck,” he shrugged.

Simon didn’t ask anything further. It was kind of nice to sit in silence and not have to do anything, not have to play the part of himself for a moment. Usually, he’d be performing the most for Simon and Simon would be filming it all the while. There was something missing from their dynamic without it or something had evolved between them that Nathan wanted to recoil from.

“Why don’t you film everything anymore? Did you get a new kink or something?” Nathan asked, he reached into Simon’s lunchbox and took a square of his sandwich. He watched Simon try his best not to react to it.

“It’s not a great idea to document your crimes,” Simon said, pulling the lunchbox out of Nathan’s reach.

“It’s a bit late for that isn’t it?” Nathan asked. He was pretty sure that Simon’s phone had been present for some incredibly incriminating stuff. For once it was nice to know that Simon was so anal that he’d definitely have deleted all of that stuff, especially after the second probation worker had manipulated him. At least he sure as hell hoped so because he wasn’t going to ask.

“Maybe I’m trying to be more in the moment,” Simon said around bites of his sandwich.

“That sounds like some bullshit you tell your therapist to get them off your back,” Nathan said.

“Why does it matter?” Simon asked, brows pinched as he stared across at Nathan.

Nathan wasn’t going to say how desperately he wanted everything to go back to the way it was before he’d been forced into love with Simon, before his brother had died.

“I’ve got to let my agent know when my next gig is or she’s going to go ballistic, Tonya’s got to make her percentage or how’s she going to pay for the lung transplant. The menthol’s aren’t going buy themselves Barry,” Nathan said, standing with one foot on the seat of the bench, in an awful approximation of an American accent.

“I have no idea what’s happening,” Simon said, “why is she buying menthol cigarettes when she’s getting a lung transplant?” he added, frowning.

“Of course that’s what you’re hung up on, I bet you’re the life of the role playing party,” Nathan said and put on a strange voice that was nothing close to Simon’s, “the slit in Marilyn Monroe’s skirt was on the other side and now I can’t get an erection, the whole night is ruined,” he finished throwing his hands up with a flair.

“Is that supposed to be me?” Simon asked, smiling in bewilderment.

“Yes.”

“It’s better than you calling me a paedophile,” Simon said.

“Who said that Marilyn Monroe wasn’t under age?” Nathan said and Simon sent a flat glare at him.

Things were a little closer to normal.

 

* * *

 

Nathan was in a good mood, the rest of the day had flown by, and Kelly had given him a pack of cigarettes. He didn’t need to mess around with tobacco and rizzlers anymore. At least not for a little while.

“What happened to your rapist friend?” Nathan asked, prodding at Alisha with his eyes.

“You mean Courtney?” Alisha asked, smacking gum as she closed her locker. “She’s a dick,” she said, her eyes flicked to Kelly and they shared a moment that was too short for Nathan to dive in and make a comment about it.

“Well, most rapists are,” Nathan said. Kelly’s arm was a blur as she reached out and smacked him over the head. “Jesus. What? Are you standing up for rapists now?” Nathan bent his arms around himself, hands out in protection.

“Shut up,” Kelly said.

“What happened with her?” Curtis asked, he was always so invested in Alisha’s stories.

“She’s just a self righteous piece of shit, constantly going on about the truth and how secrets are evil,” Alisha huffed with an eye roll. “People have secrets for a fucking reason,” she muttered, eyes on her feet.

“Did she rape you too?” Nathan asked, itching to swing the spotlight back to him. Kelly hit him again.

“Oh my fucking god, what is wrong with you?” Alisha yelled.

“Nothing,” Nathan said with chuckle. He knew he sounded entirely lacking in empathy and more like a serial killer than Simon had seemed the entire time they’d known each other, but he couldn’t help but revel in her outrage.

Curtis was already leaving, phone in his hand. Simon seemed frozen on the periphery. Kelly was looking at him as though she’d expected better from him, only god knew why.

Then Alisha was squaring up to him. He didn’t get it, it wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever said to her.

“Whoa, I’m sorry, don’t get your fucking knickers in a twist,” Nathan said, hands up with his back pressed against the lockers.

“Leave it alone Alisha, it’s not worth it,” Kelly urged with her hand around Alisha’s elbow. She gently led her out of the room.

Simon’s eyes were burning holes into his body. He didn’t say anything as he left and Nathan was alone in the locker room again.

Everyone was going home, to beds and mattresses, to other people.

Nathan had to find somewhere to go for a few hours before he could break back into the community centre. He’d probably do what he usually did. Think about going to his mum and begging her to let him in while sitting around somewhere smoking cigarettes he didn’t have the money to buy. He’d been smoking so much recently, but it wasn’t as though it was going to kill him, at least not permanently. He couldn’t bum another pack off of Kelly anyway.

Breaking back into the community centre was too easy.

 

* * *

 

Nathan lied awake, staring at the ceiling.

Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep. The words thrummed in his mind, but it didn’t help. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest. The night was dark and Nathan couldn’t see a damn thing, it was pressing in on him. Touching him. Violating.

Nathan needed to stop thinking. He needed to quiet his mind.

At the bottom of his duffle bag was a joint he had left over that he’d been saving from before Jamie had died. He was still worried about smoking it. There wasn’t anyone else around, he had no one to perform for and no one to tell him that smoking a joint right now would be a bad idea. He missed having Jamie around. There were so many stories he hadn’t told him.

Why he’d told Jamie that story about his birthday and Ikea and the known paedophile he didn't know. There were a billion other stories about how awful his father was that he could have told, but he’d chosen to tell that one.

Nathan didn’t appreciate his subconscious crying out for help to the first person that would sit alone with him for more than five minutes.

He lit the joint and nothing terrible happened.

 

* * *

 

The next morning was painful awkward and deathly quiet. Nathan knew better than to open his mouth. Of all things, throughout the morning Curtis and Simon were speaking to each other, they were laughing together. They were too far away for Nathan to hear what they were saying. He couldn’t help but wonder what the hell they could be talking about, they didn’t have anything in common. They were probably talking about him.

Why did he care? He didn’t.

Nathan had a mental argument with himself as they set up the floor for a bunch of OAPs to have a games day. Scrabble slipped out his hands and the letter tiles flooded the floor. Nathan tried not to groan. He scanned the letters looking for something scandalous to jump out at him, but it was all gibberish.

“You would think that there’d be at least one dirty word but not a fucking single one,” Nathan said to the room at large as he continued to stare down at the letters, no one said anything.

Then they had to actually play the board games with the dusty fossils. Shaun really got a kick out of that, Nathan was sure that he was a sadist, whips and chains and all that.

The instant that they were allowed to go for their lunch break Nathan was out of the room and in the hall. Alisha breezed straight past him and went up to the roof. Clearly she had the same idea as him. Kelly was staring expectantly at him, arms crossed as she leant against the wall across the hall.

“What?” Nathan asked, blinking back at her.

“Go on,” Kelly said nodding toward the stairwell.

“You want me to apologise?” Nathan said incredulously.

“You have no idea what you said so I don’t think she’ll kill you for talking to her,” Kelly said.

“Oh no she won’t kill me, she’ll just physically assault me,” Nathan said, not that he actually believed it, she probably wouldn’t touch him for obvious reasons. Alisha wasn’t particularly violent either, they had Kelly for that, she was the muscle.

“Have you ever not deserved any punch that’s been thrown at you?” Kelly asked, blinking at him as though she could see straight through him.

“Okay you’ve got a point,” Nathan said.

“Just do it yeah?” Kelly urged a little more softly.

“Alright, I’m going,” Nathan groaned and made his way to the roof.           

Alisha watched him come through the door and turned away from him immediately. The smoke twisted up from the cigarette between her fingers, it curled around her body. Everything about her was screaming ‘leave me alone’.

Nathan stepped forward to the edge of the roof, lit a cigarette and thought about jumping for the drama of it but quickly thought better of it.

“I’m sorry alright, you know me, shit just comes out of my mouth,” Nathan said, miming the act of shit coming out of his mouth.

“Yeah, I get it, whatever,” Alisha said and that was all the recognition Nathan was going to get. “What’s going on with you anyway, you’ve been acting like actually mental recently?”

“Oh are we sharing now?” Nathan said, smacking his hands against his cheeks. They weren’t the closest, but Nathan figured it was easy to talk to him because they were so strangely alike. The desperate need for attention and exhibitionism stuck them together but also kept them apart. It was hard to stare into a living mirror.

“I’ll tell you what Courtney did only if you vocally tear her to shreds without calling her a rapist,” Alisha said, she had one arm wrapped around her waist with her elbow against the back of her hand as she continued to smoke.

“I can do that,” Nathan said with a nod and turned more fully toward her.

“But you gotta share too,” Alisha reaffirmed.

“Girl’s honour,” Nathan said, holding up three fingers mixing a thousand references together.

She threw the butt down and stamped on it then she lit another cigarette. They all should probably cut back.

“Okay, well she used her fucking creepy power on me,” Alisha began.

“The bitch,” Nathan said with faux venom. He didn’t ask what she’d been forced to say, if how she reacted the day before was anything to go by she wasn’t going to say it anyway.

“Right and then she had the audacity to get all high and mighty when I got pissed off,” Alisha went on, face twisted in indignation.

“What? Is she an abusive husband from the fifties?” Nathan said, almost laughing but trying not to.

“Yeah, then she does it again,” Alisha said as though she were delivering the largest scoop.

If Nathan had been a flaming queen he’d have screamed something along the lines of a long draw out ‘girl’. “Holy shit, did you glass her?” He asked instead.

“No, but Kelly did hit her,” Alisha said with a sly smile.

“Your knight in shining armour,” Nathan said and Alisha shrugged.

“So your turn,” she said.

“I watched my brother die and saw his ghost,” Nathan said. He didn’t know how much she knew, only Kelly knew everything, mostly because she could hear his thoughts.

“Well that fucking sucks,” Alisha said and took a drag on her lipstick stained cigarette.

“Yeah, it does,” Nathan agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please listen to Alseep by The Smiths, I rediscovered the song when I was reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I listened to it while reading that book and sobbed my heart out. 
> 
> Also, there's some Jennifer's Body by Hole lyrics in there, just a few vague allusions for the soul. That song is haunting. 
> 
> The group's getting closer, honestly I needed Nathan and Alisha to be better friends. They could have become great gal pals.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments ~xx


	3. Chapter 3

Nathan woke up in a bathtub that he didn’t recognise. He clambered out of the tub and fell to the floor, the world tilted around him. His clothes were still on and he wasn’t covered in puke so Nathan figured that everything was alright even if he couldn’t see properly. Dragging himself up onto his feet with a white knuckled grip on the sink, Nathan stared at himself in the mirror, he looked pretty out of it but he wasn’t entirely gone.

When he opened the bathroom door, noise flooded around him. The flat was thrumming with people. Nathan could barely move through the room as he made his way out. He had no idea whose home it was, whose party it was, he definitely didn’t recognise a single face on the way to the door.

The cold hit him and Nathan stopped dead still for a second before pulling his phone out of his jeans. It was something past three in the morning. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to get home, or more accurately the community centre, at least not on his own. He could barely tell his ass from his elbow. Nathan ran his mind through who might conceivably come out and get him.

His parents were an obvious no as well as Curtis, how he’d gotten his number Nathan had no idea but it was probably in the middle of a crisis, which meant that he couldn’t contact Curtis unless it was definitely a crisis. Alisha had a car but she’d totally just laugh at him and hang up the phone. Kelly would help him, but it’d be at the cost of letting her know that he needed help. He didn’t want her to hear whatever was going through his mind when he was flat out wasted. The only person left was Simon.

He didn’t want to call Simon.

The ringer tone was already going off as he brought his phone up to his ear.

“Nathan?” Simon’s voice came crisp and clear through the speaker. Of course Simon would be wide awake at three in the morning. “Is everything okay?” He asked, his voice was tinged with concern.

“You know how you’re absolutely head over heels for me right?” Nathan said, forgoing a hello and ignoring Simon’s question. He held himself up with his shoulder against the wall and closed his eyes just to stop everything from spinning.

“No,” Simon said flatly.

“Well I need you to put on your suit of armour and come pick me up,” Nathan said, slurring into the phone.

“I don’t have a car,” Simon replied.

“I mean like walk me home because the floor is moving and a boy like me is going to get taken advantage of if I try to make my way back on my own,” Nathan said, he ran his hand down his face and blinked into the darkness of the streets.

“What have you been doing?” Simon asked, there was a tinge of panic in his tone that made Nathan roll his eyes.

“I’m just drunk darling,” Nathan drawled.

“How drunk _are_ you?” Simon returned.

“Well I don’t know how I got here, maybe I was kidnapped. Do you think they stole my kidney?” Nathan said, wildly gesticulating, he spun a hundred and eighty degrees on the spot as though he was talking to someone beside him.

“That’s an urban legend,” Simon stated, chuckling softly.

“Are you coming to get me or what?” Nathan asked, stumbling as he continued to aimlessly amble around.

“I don’t know where you are,” Simon said.

Nathan stepped further back from the building and looked around, with a whole lot of struggle Nathan figured out where he was and told Simon. Then the conversation was over.

He smoked through two cigarettes, crouched against the wall as he waited for Simon to show up. He had one arm wrapped around his legs. If Simon didn’t show up soon then Nathan was pretty sure that he was going to pass out again.

That damned Smiths song was circling around in his mind like a carousel, he wanted to go to sleep. 

“Nathan,” Simon called, stopping in front of the other.

Nathan noticed that Simon’s shoes were spotless.

“Yeah,” he said, staring up at Simon as he continued to smoke.

“Are you going to be okay on your own, I mean sleeping in the community centre?” Simon asked.

“I’m always fine,” Nathan said. He shot up onto his feet too fast and the world around him turned into a zoetrope. Nathan stumbled forward and Simon caught him, one hand on his shoulder and the other pressed steadily against the subtle curve of his waist. Simon stared up at him, face pinched in concern. “I’ll be fine mother dearest,” he went on in a plumby English accent.

He pushed Simon away and stood free from the other, making a show of how stable his legs were. Simon didn’t look convinced but he didn’t seem excited to touch Nathan again either. They stood there for a moment, staring at each other, waiting for the other to move first.

Nathan moved first, picking a random direction. He stumbled again and Simon caught him again. This time Nathan didn’t push him away and this time Simon didn’t let go. Simon wrapped his arm around Nathan’s back and pulled Nathan’s arm over his shoulder, then they started to make their way down the street.

Simon smelt like hand-sanitizer and Nathan decided that he’d spent the entire night wanking to creepy fetish porn. At least he was clean. Simon was warm too and the heat pressed against him made Nathan miss his bed.

“What do you think that song’s about?” Nathan asked because it’d begun to circle his mind again.

“What song?” Simon replied.

“That sleepy song you were listening to, I can’t get it out of my head,” Nathan explained, flicking his arm out in front of him.

“It’s about suicide,” Simon said, words like stones dropping into a puddle.

“Really? I thought it was about being lonely or wanting someone to shag or something,” Nathan exclaimed, totally confused.

“You only heard a little bit of it, the rest of it makes it clear that it’s about suicide,” Simon explained.

“I like it better my way,” Nathan said, dragging his feet as they moved over the concrete.

“Of course you do,” Simon said and Nathan could only see the edge of his smile.

Nathan didn’t really recognise the streets they were going down, but he didn’t expect to in kaleidoscopic vision. When Simon started down a driveway Nathan realised they weren’t going to the community centre.

“Where are we? Are you kidnapping me to make me your sex slave?” Nathan asked, purposefully leaning more heavily against Simon, making the other stumble.

“We’re at my house,” Simon said.

 “You really think it’s safe to have me around your family,” Nathan said panic rising in his throat, heart pounding. “You’re not worried about what might happen?”

“No one’s home,” Simon stated simply.

Nathan’s heart stuttered.

Then the door was open and Simon was pushing him through the doorway. Simon left him leaning against the wall in the hallway as he closed the door. It was just like any middle class house from the inside. Nathan didn’t miss the neatness, it was almost as though no one lived there. Simon guided him into the living room and left him there for a moment, disappearing further into the house.

Nathan stood awkwardly in the middle of the room until Simon returned with a blanket and a few pillows. He didn’t pay much attention to it, he was focused on the mantel piece instead. There was a photograph of Simon and a younger girl that was clearly his sister, they were smiling together with video game controllers in their hands.

“What’s it like, having a younger sister?” Nathan asked. He didn’t know why he was asking, he was only setting himself up to be hurt.

Simon was obviously uncomfortable.

“She’s irritating sometimes, she’ll take the last diet coke every time and always puts the DVDs in the wrong cases,” Simon said, cherry picking things about her that annoyed him.

“You’re only saying that to make me feel better,” Nathan said.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Simon replied, shifting his weight on the spot.

“Neither do I,” Nathan said and suddenly they were just two bone achingly lonely boys stood in a living room sharing a moment that neither of them wanted to share.

“I’ll make you some coffee,” Simon said quickly and left the room.

Nathan trailed behind him into the kitchen, bumping into doorframes and countertops as he went. The instant he spotted a chair he b-lined straight for it. He sat slumped against the table and watched Simon move around the kitchen. It was a little strange to see Simon comfortable in a physical space, he knew where everything was and moved with practiced ease.

The kettle clicked off having come to boil. Simon poured the water into a mug, chased it was milk and sugar then brought it over to Nathan. Simon slid the mug in front of him.

Nathan lifted his head as Simon sat down opposite him.

“Put that song on,” Nathan drawled, sniffing at the coffee.

“The suicide song?” Simon asked with his brows raised.

“The sleepy song,” Nathan said firmly correcting him, “and I’ll prove to you that it’s not about suicide,” he continued smugly and dropped back against the chair.

“You haven’t even heard the whole song,” Simon said, confused. Still, he pulled out his phone, put the song on and set it between them.

Nathan knew it was a bad idea the instant the first note played but he was too drunk to come up with a way to stop it. The song started off nice enough, seemingly genuinely just about being tired. Nathan took a sip of the coffee. He sneered as he swallowed it, he didn’t really ever drink coffee.

Then they got further into the song.

 

> _Don’t try to wake me in the morning_
> 
> _‘Cause I will be gone._
> 
> _Don’t feel bad for me,_
> 
> _I want you to know_
> 
> _Deep in the cell of my heart_
> 
> _I will feel so glad to go._

 

Nathan drank more of the coffee and tried not to think about how tired he was. Suddenly he didn’t want to go to sleep. He needed to be more awake.

“He never talks about killing himself, if anything he wants someone else to kill him, like he’s fantasising about dying in his sleep,” Nathan said once the song was over, top lip curled as he spoke, watching Simon uncomfortably fiddle with his phone.

“That’s suicidal ideation,” Simon stated, he wouldn’t look up from his phone.

“What’s that, psychobabble nonsense?” Nathan slurred, mouthing at the lip of the mug.

“It doesn’t matter, the song is definitely about suicide,” Simon said, trying for finality.

“You’re not exactly making a counter argument,” Nathan replied.

“If he’s happy not to wake up in the morning then he wants to die,” Simon said the words as though he was pulling teeth. Nathan had no idea why Simon was playing along with it, he didn’t have to.

“Maybe he just wants to sleep for forever,” Nathan said with a shrug.

“Isn’t that the same as dying?” Simon asked, brows furrowed as he stared at Nathan.

“Yeah it kind of is.”

Nathan had never felt silence before, but this sudden silence was stabbing, piercing. They’d never spoken about what it was like to die. No one ever asked him. It was probably because they didn’t want to know, most people didn’t want to know.

“It’s not always like falling asleep though,” he said.

“Nathan,” Simon said, strained, as he rubbed his hand over his face. “Let’s go to bed,” he said and stood from the table. He took the empty mug from Nathan and put it in the sink.

Simon nudged Nathan at the elbow, but he wouldn’t budge. He didn’t have the energy to get up. He wanted to be moulded against the table. Simon sighed and plied him from the chair, he dragged Nathan from the kitchen and back into the living room.

Nathan thought about having to sleep in the same room as that photograph, suddenly he didn’t want to be alone. He tangled his fingers in Simon’s shirt. Simon went rigid when Nathan dropped his head against Simon’s, cheek to cheek.

“Nathan, what are you doing?” Simon asked, staring up at Nathan with panic in his eyes.

_Anything to not be alone again._

“We’ve kissed before,” Nathan said against Simon’s skin, clinging onto Simon for life, his hand found its way to Simon’s neck. If he had been sober he would have noticed the rate of Simon's pulse. 

“Neither of us wanted to do that really,” Simon said, but he wasn’t trying to get out of Nathan’s grasp. “What are you doing?” He asked again because apparently trying to kiss him wasn’t an adequate answer, he couldn’t believe that Nathan would actually want to kiss him.

“I don’t want to wake up on my own,” Nathan said.

There was something about that phrase that had power, something about Nathan mentioning that song that made Simon protective.


	4. Chapter 4

The curtains whipped open and Nathan’s eyes squinted open. Simon set down a glass of water and two pills on the bedside table, Nathan stared at the water and pills and wondered how many mornings Simon had done exactly the same thing just not in the same room.

He was in Simon’s room.

Nathan’s memory of the night before was cloudy, but he got the general gist. As far as he was concerned the night went like this: he woke up in a bathtub, then he’d called Simon to come and get him, Simon had brought him to his house, then they’d listened to that song and he’d refused to sleep alone. He didn’t remember coming upstairs or getting into the bed.

There was something about the thought of Simon sleeping beside him, stopping him from falling apart in the drunken quietness of the early morning that made Nathan feel a little too vulnerable. Simon didn’t let him wake up alone and Nathan didn’t want to think about it.

“What day is it?” Nathan asked as he shifted up into a sitting position in the bed. He reached for the water and pills and took them in quick succession.

“Sunday,” Simon replied, concerned but not entirely surprised.

“I should go,” Nathan said and started to climb out of the bed.

“Go where?” Simon asked.

Nathan stopped moving and Simon stared down at him, it was a good question.

“Somewhere,” Nathan replied.

“My family’s not going to be back until this evening, you could stay until dinner time,” Simon explained as he continued to stand beside the bed, he was already fully dressed.

“And do what? Sit around wanking to Russian dashcam videos?” Nathan spat as he clambered off the bed and realised that he was in just his boxers and a t-shirt.

“You don’t have to stay, but you can take a shower or a bath if you want,” Simon said.

It was pathetic how Nathan almost melted at the offer, right then he’d have dropped to his knees and sucked the life out of Simon for a bath.

“You’re just gagging to get me naked aren’t ya?” Nathan said, staring at his jeans on the floor and wondering whether or not he’d throw up straight away if he bent down to pick them up.

“The door has a lock on it,” Simon said.

“It better because I don’t want you to come in wearing your mother’s clothes whilst I’m in the middle of washing my supple nubile body just to stab me to death, I already feel like I died this morning,” Nathan said, gesticulating not as wildly as he would have if he weren’t hung over.

Simon didn’t say anything, instead he got Nathan’s jeans from the floor and passed them to him.

“So where are the towels?”

 

* * *

 

Having a bath in a stranger’s bathroom was weird, having a shower wasn’t as weird for some reason, you didn’t spend as long staring at all the things that were different about the room. There was something about being naked in that nonthreatening and unfamiliar bathroom that put Nathan on edge.

He didn’t want to think about it and sunk into the water. It was so warm. His muscles relaxed so much his bones could have slide out of his skin like well cooked ribs. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a bath, it probably wasn’t anything special.

Nathan took his time. He washed and conditioned his hair, cleaned every inch of his body. When he was done he still couldn’t get out of the tub. The water was getting cold.

He didn’t know when he was going to get the chance to have another bath.

Nathan drew his legs up toward his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

He couldn’t get out of the tub.

Sobs bubbled up in his throat, but Nathan kept his lips shut tight, he kept them in his mouth. He couldn’t keep the tears in and they trailed slowly down his cheeks.

Nothing said rock bottom better than crying quietly in a bathtub that wasn’t yours because you’re homeless.

“Nathan,” Simon’s voice came tentatively from the other side of the door, “you’ve been in there for an hour.”

_You don’t know where I’ve been Barry, I need a deep clean._

He only said the words in his head.

“Nathan,” Simon said again. His voice was more incessant, it had a sharpness that belied the panic it was tainted by, it sounded like he was thinking about breaking the door down.

Nathan swallowed and stood out of the water.

“Unclench Barry I’m not killing myself,” He said directly to the door, “not that it’d matter since I’m immortal,” he added and stepped out of the tub.

“Okay,” Simon said, “do you want something to eat?” He asked and Nathan rolled his eyes as he pulled the plug out of the tub.

“Just give me a second, I can’t get dressed over the sound of your voice,” Nathan said, drying himself before putting his dirty clothes back on.

Simon didn’t talk again.

He needed to get out of there. Simon was being too nosy, too caring. Nathan felt it all over his skin, as though it were suffocating him. He’d give Simon a cursory thanks and bye and then he’d be outside, then he’d be able to breathe.

Nathan found Simon in the kitchen, he was frying bacon, the smell hit Nathan and his stomach growled. It was loud enough for Simon to hear and he looked up and over at Nathan.

“I was going to make bacon sandwiches,” Simon said, spatula in hand.

“You were? What are you doing now, making duck a l’orange?” Nathan said, still stood in the hall.

“Do you want a sandwich?” Simon asked, ignoring Nathan’s statement.

“Sure,” Nathan said with a shrug and took up the same spot he’d worn in the night before.

“I could wash your clothes if you want,” Simon said with his back to Nathan.

“Just stop it,” Nathan barked.

“What?” Simon said, he turned away from the counter to stare at Nathan.

“Being all caring and taking pity on the poor homeless boy, that’s not me,” Nathan said, pointing at himself.

“You are homeless,” Simon stated, brows furrowed in that typical look of confusion and irritation that mostly made him look constipated.

“But it’s not the picture of me, I’m a hot young mess like Winona Ryder was. I’m Girl, Interrupted and not some pathetic kid in a sleeping bag outside Tescos,” Nathan blathered, gesticulating with his hands over the table.

“Okay,” Simon said and turned back to the stove.

Neither of them said anything for a while and a few minutes later Simon set down two plates of bacon sandwiches and two glasses of fresh orange juice. It was so domestic. Nathan wanted to hurl.

Then Simon said the strangest thing just as Nathan took the first bite of his sandwich. 

“Have you killed yourself?” He asked.

Nathan struggled to swallow.

“What?”

“I mean, is it something you’ve thought about since you became immortal?” Simon asked, suddenly unable to look Nathan in the eye, it would have been cute if they were talking about anything else.

“I thought about jumping off the roof of the community centre just to see Alisha’s face, but then I realised I wouldn’t see her face and I wouldn’t be able to get up instantly and there’d be all these blood and guts on the floor and we’d probably have to clean it up,” Nathan rambled, “the irony.”

Simon blinked at him.

“I’ve never thought about it seriously, dying is a pain in the arse,” Nathan said and took another bite of his sandwich.

Conversation didn’t flow easily between them. Simon wasn’t exactly well practiced in the art of conversation and Nathan’s speaking style was combative to put it politely. They just sat in awkward silence and finished their breakfast like a passive aggressive married couple that were three months away from divorce.

Then Nathan had a vision. Something like five or ten years in the future, he and Simon were sat in a smaller kitchen at a shittier table eating the exact same thing. They weren’t saying anything. The love was draining out of their relationship like water through a hole in a bucket.

Nathan stood from the table so fast the chair made a hard scraping sound that made Simon wince. He went out into the hall and started looking for his shoes. It shouldn’t have been so hard to find a pair of ratty converse in a house that clean, but apparently anything was possible. Eventually he found them at the foot of the sofa, hidden by its shadow.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow I guess,” Nathan said, pulling on his shoes as he hopped into the hallway.

Simon came into the hall and watched Nathan fumble around.

“Okay, bye,” Simon said as he opened the door. He looked as though he wanted to say more but either didn’t know how to say it or didn’t want to hear whatever garbage Nathan would say in reply.

Simon blinked up at him and Nathan wasn’t leaving, he should have been leaving but his feet wouldn’t move. He was thinking about kissing Simon. It would have been so easy. He’d only have to lean down just a little bit and their lips would be touching, they’d be kissing.

Then it was happening. He was kissing Simon. It barely lasted a second and it didn’t feel like anything, it was such a waste. He stepped back without looking at Simon.

“Alright, goodbye then,” Nathan said and turned and left.

 

* * *

 

Nathan’s veins were thrumming, he hadn’t felt his pulse this clearly since the last time he’d done ecstasy, and the last time he’d done ecstasy was the night his brother had died.

It was late afternoon and Nathan had nowhere to go. He just started walking.

He started walking and found himself on his mum’s doorstep. Before his brain had time to engage and tell him how bad of an idea it was he was ringing the bell, index finger pressed hard against the button until the door opened. His mum’s irritated face appeared in the doorway.

“What do you want Nathan?” Louise asked, fingers curled around the door, as though she was going to close the door in his face at any second.

“Oh, is that how you greet your only son?” Nathan said as though it didn’t hurt him.

She rolled her eyes and walked away from the door and further into the house. It was the most she was going to give him. Nathan stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He followed her into living room, she was watching reruns of Hollyoaks with a half empty glass of wine on the coffee table.

“Jeremy’s not in, which I know will disappoint you,” Louise said as she picked up a magazine and crossed her legs.

“I still can’t get the image of his dick out of my mind,” Nathan said, sneering as he sat down next to her, “but I’m not going to talk about that,” he added at the way she flicked her eyes toward him.

It was strange, he felt like he was trying to fit into a memory of himself that his mother carried around with her like a weight attached to her ankle. He wanted to tell her that he’d come from a boy’s home just to watch her go, but they’d already had that argument and Nathan wasn’t the kind to do repeat performances.

“Did you know that dad cheated on you?” Nathan asked. They hadn’t argued about this yet.

“Which time?” Louise replied blandly.

“The time he had a secret baby and left them for ‘our sake’ apparently,” Nathan said with air quotes and eye rolls.

“Yes, I know,” she said, taking a sip of her wine.

“Did you know that my half brother kidnapped dad? He hit him over the head with a toaster,” Nathan said with restrained glee, “he had him in the boot of the car, it was kind of hilarious and terrifying at the same time,” he went on.

“He left that part out,” she said, turning to Nathan with raised brows and wine glass in hand.

“You spoke to him?” Nathan said, feeling strangely betrayed and left out from a conversation that he knew was really about him.

“We speak from time to time,” Louise said as though it were nothing of consequence.

“Oh let me guess,” Nathan said but his mum cut him off.

“He’s worried about you,” she said earnestly. They’d had this conversation so many times that the phrase gave him flashbacks.

“What’s he got to be worried about?” Nathan spat, brows pinched.

“You watched your brother die,” Louise stated.

“I die all the time, it’s not a big deal,” Nathan said flippantly, it didn’t make any sense but it’d at least shock his mum. “I have a unique relationship with death.”

“You die all the time?” Louise repeated, blinking rapidly at him.

“What do you care? It’s not like it matters, I’m immortal remember?” Nathan said, eyes wild as he stared at her.

“Most people only die once Nathan,” she stated.

“I’m immortal,” Nathan repeated, as though that would end the conversation. 

“So why are you dying all the time?” Louise asked, she took slow sip of her wine.

Nathan shrugged, he didn’t exactly want to tell her that he and his friends were being attacked on a semi-regular basis, she was already giving him the same look she’d given him the first time he’d seen a child psychologist. And she’d given him that look so many times since.

The silence stretched on between them. They were both looking for something that the other wasn’t going to give.

Nathan turned to the television and threw himself into what was happening in Hollyoaks and began to make comments that his mother rolled her eyes at and chuckled at despite herself. It was pretty good until the clock hit four thirty.

“I need to get the dinner ready,” Louise said and rose from the sofa.

Nathan knew that she was telling him to leave, so he did.

 

* * *

 

The night was long and hollow. He couldn’t stop thinking about how good Simon’s bed felt, he’d been taking mattresses for granted his entire life. He didn’t have any drugs, didn’t have the money to buy more. He only had a few cigarettes left and he didn’t really have the money spare to buy any, there was a rolled up ratty pack of tobacco and plenty of rizzlers in his bag somewhere but he couldn’t be fucked to roll one at that moment. He also couldn’t be fucked to steal more beer, it was probably a good idea to quit it for a while anyway. He didn’t need anyone to start sniffing around and actually tighten up the security on the closest thing he had to a home.

Nathan didn’t have anything to do so he lied there and stared at the ceiling trying to fall asleep before the thoughts came in.

“I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore,” Nathan murmured to himself. He hated the song for what it was doing to him, he needed it out of his head.

He leaned over the mat and pulled his iPod out of the wall, he put the ear buds into his ears and scrolled through the disparate list of songs.

The title ‘Jennifer’s Body’ stuck out to him, he vaguely remembered posters with Megan Fox being sexy and dangerous plastered around. He pressed play, the noise flooded in and the thoughts fled. The song was loud and he didn’t really catch the lyrics until it was too late.

 

> _Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep._
> 
> _Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep._

 

Nathan didn’t hear the rest of the song and suddenly it was very quiet. He was stuck to the mat, hands clammy against the sheets. It was like he had sunk deeper into his body and couldn’t control it anymore. It reminded him of watching people take heroin, it reminded him of his bedroom.

He stayed as still as he could until he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Simon usually arrived at the community centre almost exactly five minutes early every time. That morning though, Simon was a whole thirty minutes early. Nathan was sat on a bench doing nothing as he waited for a reasonable time to re-enter the community centre, struggling to return to his body. Simon walked straight up to him and stopped dead in front of him. He looked pained.

“Why did you kiss me?” Simon asked, coming straight out with it.

“For fun, to mess with you,” Nathan said reflexively.

Simon didn’t say anything, but he frowned back at Nathan.

“You can’t tell me it wasn’t funny,” Nathan said, he pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket, there were only two left and they tumbled around the pack.

“It wasn’t funny,” Simon said, “it was just sad.”

Nathan didn’t know what to say to that.

“What, do you want a refund or something?” Nathan said, brows quirking as he stuck a cigarette into his mouth, “’cause I am fresh out of cash.”

Simon looked sad and Nathan wanted to kill himself just to get out of this conversation.   

Finally he moved to light his cigarette, but Nathan lit the wrong end of it. Simon continued to frown at him, stood like a statue washed out in the gray on gray on gray of their surroundings.

“Ah fuck,” Nathan said and pitched the cigarette, he felt like crying like a melodramatic teenage girl.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” Simon began and Nathan knew he wasn’t going to like whatever came out of his mouth next, “but I know something’s bothering you, I just don’t know what it is,” he went on.

“Why would you know what’s bothering me?” Nathan asked, brows pinched as he sneered at Simon.

“There’s a lot of things that could be bothering you, I don’t know which one to pick,” Simon replied.

“Like what?”

As Simon began to move his mouth to reply, Nathan realised that he’d stepped into a bear trap, he could already feel the metal biting into his ankle.

“I mean we’ve killed a few people, you slept with an old woman, then you died and were stuck in a coffin for a while, your brother died and then there was the tattoo thing,” Simon reeled off, stumbling over the final comment, unsure as he stared down at him shoes.

“Well, it’s not exactly been the best couple of months of my life, I’ll admit that,” Nathan said, he pulled out his last cigarette and made sure that it was the right way around. “But I’m grand, tip top,” he continued, exaggerating his accent as he successfully lit the cigarette.

“I’m not asking you to talk about it,” Simon said. He seemed to be searching for something to say while Nathan smoked his cigarette at him, he pulled his phone out and checked the time, “we should go inside.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely hate showering or whatever in other people's homes, it sucks. 
> 
> Anyways, another reference to Jennifer's Body by Hole and more allusions.  
> There's also a vague reference to a The 1975 song, most of their songs remind me a little of Nathan, like they'll have a line here or there. 
> 
> Thanks so much for the comments and the kudos, love ya ~xx


	5. Chapter 5

Simon’s eyes had been stuck to him all week and Nathan had been acting painful annoying. He didn’t think about anything complicated, didn’t think about Simon and what he ached to feel for the other still, praying that nothing slipped through the cracks for Kelly to hear.

They were all smoking on the roof, well himself, Kelly and Alisha were. Simon was hovering close by Nathan, vaguely exuding an aura of concern that he hoped Kelly didn’t hear. Curtis was on his phone again. It had been practically glued to his hand of a solid two weeks. Nathan was about to say something about it, but Alisha beat him to the punch.

“You’ve been grinning at that thing for hours now,” she said pointedly.

“I met a girl at the club,” Curtis said, smiling wide and crooked, as though he were being coy.

“Aw, our Curtis is in love,” Nathan cooed. “You need condoms? I think I’ve got some banana flavoured ones somewhere,” he said and got his wallet out of his pocket. He pulled out a dusty condom he’d had since he was twelve, he was pretty sure that whatever was inside was of no use to anyone.

“I’m good thanks,” Curtis sneered, disgusted.

“Well, it’ll be your loss when you get AIDS,” Nathan said with a shrug and put his wallet away. Curtis only rolled his eyes.

“So what’s she like?” Kelly asked.

“Nikki’s cool, she had a heart transplant and it gave her a power,” Curtis said, leaning in to gossip with them. Despite how he seemed, Curtis loved to gossip.

“Wait, so if I gave one of you my kidney then you’d become immortal too?” Nathan asked, brows pinched as he looked around the group.

“I don’t think it works like that,” Simon muttered.

“It’s probably because she got a heart,” Curtis suggested, rubbing his hands together as he leaned his elbows on his knees.

“Our powers are stored in our hearts? That’s lame,” Nathan sneered, top lip curling back.

“I don’t know anything about science, but every time we’re you know going at it, just as things are about to come to a climax she teleports out of the room,” Curtis said, glossing over Nathan’s statement to talk about himself, which Nathan wasn’t exactly hurt by since he did the same thing all the time.

“Oh my god,” Alisha gaped. “So, you and her are getting it on and she’s all,” she then made a show of acting out a one woman sex show, noises and all. Alisha really was one hell of a social performer. “And she just poof disappears,” she finished and took a drag on her cigarette.

“Yep,” Curtis said.

“That sucks,” Alisha said.

“You never get to finish?” Nathan said, he couldn’t imagine the disappointment. Curtis didn’t say anything, but the look on his face said it all anyways. “Damn, your balls must be throbbing.”

Curtis ignored Nathan and turned to Simon.

“Is there anything in like comic books or whatever that would help with our, uh, problem?” Curtis asked.

Simon simply blinked back at him for a moment. He shifted awkwardly from suddenly having the attention on him.

“Uhm, when a superhero first gets their power they usually have to practice and learn how to use it properly,” he said, smiling as he spoke, clearly in his element.

“So Nikki should practice controlling her power?” Curtis asked, nodding as he blinked up at Simon.

“Yes,” Simon replied simply.

Nathan didn’t hear the rest of the exchange, he was pretty much checked out when Curtis’s voice took on a slightly serious tone and nerd stuff became involved. Instead of listening Nathan watched Simon and tried not to think about how much he wanted Simon to look at him.

There was a small smile dancing on the edge of Simon’s mouth.

Something dangerous was forming in his mind the more Simon and Curtis spoke.

“We should go back downstairs,” Kelly said despondently as she checked her phone.

Nathan didn’t end up doing anything.

 

* * *

 

Kelly kept giving him the eye and Nathan knew she’d overheard something, it didn’t matter if it was from him or Simon, and it was obvious that she was going to say something about it.

Once everyone else had left and the locker room was empty, she approached him.

“You wanna come over for dinner?” Kelly asked, leaning against a locker as she watched him.

“I thought we weren’t doing that anymore, you know, due to the incestuous feelings between us,” Nathan said, wriggling his finger at her.

“It’s just dinner Nathan,” Kelly stated flatly.

“It’s just a trap to get me talking about my feelings,” Nathan returned, he crossed his arms over his chest.

“When was the last time you had a decent dinner?” Kelly asked, undercutting him.

The conversation wasn’t biting enough to truly be anything, there was no fire behind Nathan’s words, not that there ever really was. Kelly really cared about him and he knew it. There was something a little tragic in the space he was forcing between them. Even if she couldn’t read his mind, she still knew him best.

“Fine, but at least feed me first before you pull my mind apart,” Nathan said, dropping his arms to his sides.

“Alright,” Kelly promised.  

Kelly’s flat wasn’t much but it was so much more than Nathan had. When they came in, she guided him into the living room, sat him down on the sofa, handed him the remote and left the room telling him to stay there. Nathan wasn’t going to pretend to feel guilty about letting her make him dinner while he sat on the sofa.

Nathan switched on the television and started to flick through the channels. Kelly’s sofa was a little lumpy but it was wide enough for him to comfortably sit cross-legged. He kicked off his shoes and brought his legs up onto the seat. He wondered what she was going to ask him, there were a lot of things that he was struggling to keep the lid on.

Kelly came over with full plates and sat down beside Nathan. He settled on some trashy reality program and tucked into the food, it was a simple meal but it had meat and vegetables, so it was the most balanced meal he’d had since the last time he’d been in Kelly’s flat.

“This is great,” Nathan said with a mouth full of mash.

“Thanks,” Kelly replied.

They didn’t comment on the wildness going on in the TV show, they just sat silently side by side and finished their dinner. Once they were done, Kelly took their plates out into the kitchen and came back with two beers.

“So,” Kelly began, opening her beer, “what’s going on between you and Simon?”

“Nothing,” Nathan said, the arch of Kelly’s eyebrows told him that she wasn’t having it. “I’m not trying to get into his pants,” he assured. He wouldn’t have said no if Simon had asked though.

“He’s basically all you’ve been thinking about all week,” Kelly said, “and he’s all bent out of shape about whatever you did,” she added and suddenly there was a sharpness to her gaze.

“I didn’t do anything,” Nathan exclaimed, he turned fully toward her, “at least nothing that bad.”

“What happened?”

“I got so hammered, I woke up in a bathtub at a party, I had no idea how I got there and didn’t know anyone there,” Nathan said, painting the scene with glee. “I called him because he’s so easy to manipulate and got him to take me to the community centre, but he took me to his house instead because he was so worried about me being ‘my legs don’t work’ drunk, pfft,” he explained, waving it off as though Simon was dumb to worry about him.

“So what happened at his house then?” Kelly pressed.  

Nothing he wanted to tell her.

“Me being a messy drunk, I think I depressed him,” Nathan said with a shrug and gulped down some of his beer.

“I know you kissed him Nathan,” Kelly stated and Nathan almost chocked.

“I was pissing about, he got all uptight about me leaving, it was just a way to get out of there quickly,” Nathan said flippantly.

“Whatever’s going on, don’t mess Simon around so much, you know he doesn’t always get whether things are a joke or not, especially with you,” Kelly said, she was always so protective of Simon, but it was nice that someone was. The freak finally had someone on his side.

“I’m not messing around, he’s the one digging his trowel shaped nose in,” Nathan replied.  

“You kissed him.”

“Yeah, that was messing around, but everything else, he acted like I was about to kill myself,” Nathan laughed.

“He’s just worried,” Kelly said and took a sip of her beer.

“There’s nothing to worry about. Weird shit’s happening all the time, he should be more worried about the next psycho that’s going to try and kill us with their jizz-kenisis powers,” Nathan said, saying it as much to her as he was saying it about Simon.

“Alright, you wanna watch Legally Blonde?” Kelly said, and that was the end of that.

She just wanted to remind him that she cared about him and that Simon had feelings that could be hurt. He appreciated that she cared, there weren’t many that did. Nathan could count the amount of people that actually cared about him on two and a half fingers. He would have hugged her if he could allow himself to be that vulnerable.

Instead he said. “Yeah, sure.”

 

* * *

 

Nathan’s hand was shaking as he brought the rolled cigarette up to his mouth.

It was getting cold as the sun began to dip beneath the horizon. The sound of feet approaching grew louder and Nathan wondered if he was going to die before he realised it was Simon.

“What are you doing back here? Returning to the scene of your crime?” Nathan said, trying to pretend that he wasn’t thirsty for something alcoholic.

“We’ve committed a lot of crimes here,” Simon stated.

Nathan blew smoke out of the side of his mouth, away from Simon. He didn’t have to ask to know that Simon was only here because he was worried about him.

“Why are you here then?” Nathan asked.

“Everyone’s been trying to call you,” Simon said. Of course Simon had volunteered to come and find him.

Nathan frowned, he slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone, it was dead.

“Can’t charge it ‘til I can get back inside,” he stated, waving the dead phone in front of him.

“We’re going out to the pub. Curtis wants to show off his girlfriend,” Simon said, smiling a little as he stared over at Nathan.

On the one hand, Nathan didn’t have any money and he needed a shower. On the other, he could do with washing all of his thoughts away.

“You gonna buy me some drinks, ‘cause I ain’t exactly flush,” Nathan said, he flapped his arms once for emphasis.

“If you want,” Simon said simply.

Nathan had a sudden realisation that Simon would do almost anything if he asked the right way. In moments like that, it would have been so easy to fall in love with him. He wanted to reach over, pull Simon toward him by the front of his shirt and give him the best kiss of his life. Instead he took another drag of his cigarette.

“Alright,” Nathan said and stood from the bench.

They walked through and out of the estate, Nathan had no idea where they were going but he knew it was going to be a pain in the ass to get back to the community centre later.

“Do you still fancy Kelly?” Simon asked suddenly.

Nathan had no idea where that came from, but he didn’t want to read too much into it.

“It kind of went nowhere, I mean we did kiss and I fingered her a little bit but it felt like touching a relative,” Nathan said, sneering as he thought about it.

“That’s disgusting,” Simon said, nose wrinkled as he looked over at Nathan.

“You’re telling me, I was there, knuckle deep in her vagina,” Nathan exclaimed and Simon looked disgusted.

“So you’re not interested in her anymore?” Simon asked again and Nathan wondered what his angle was, but he didn’t get his hopes up. He just wanted to bathe in Simon’s attention.

“Nah, the feeling of incest will really turn you off of someone, she’s basically my sister,” Nathan said, the conversation died and he couldn’t think of a way to bring it back to life. He just needed Simon to keep looking at him. “You ever heard of this song ‘Jennifer’s Body’?” He asked.

Nathan had no idea where that had come from, he hadn’t been thinking about that song at all, it had just come out of his mouth like most of the things he said.

“Yeah, it’s by Hole,” Simon said because of course he knew.

“Hole?” Nathan said, brows raised.

“It’s Courtney Love’s band,” Simon elaborated, and it made sense in a very obvious way.

“Right, well that song gave me the creeps, I don’t know why it’s on my iPod,” Nathan said, “it sounded like someone incredibly sexy was trying to violate me, is that what the movie’s like?”

“The song’s about this true story of a guy who kept a girl in a box under his bed,” Simon explained, “the movie’s okay, it’s a rape revenge movie.”

“Cheerful,” Nathan said and silence fell on them again.

 

* * *

 

Nothing eventful happened at the pub. It was a Weatherspoons. The carpet was sticky but the seats and table were clean enough. Simon brought him a few drinks and Kelly brought him another, everyone had the decency not to buy any food in front of him.

Nikki fit into the group almost instantly, her rich low voice adoringly tore Curtis apart. Alisha warmed up to her straight away. She was crass and sharp, she drank Fireball whiskey.

They regaled her with the story of how they’d found out about their powers, leaving out the murder and burying of dead bodies, and all the shenanigans that had happened since. Nathan and Alisha were in their element. It was a decent night.

Then it was last call and they were all outside saying their goodbyes.

Nathan lit a cigarette and wondered what he was going to do because he sure as hell didn’t want to be alone, at least not for a few more hours. Simon was staring at him while the others were already disappearing from the street lights and back to their homes. He knew Simon was going to walk him back.

“You remember how I got a handy in a tent?” Nathan asked, the words tumbled out of his mouth. He didn’t want to talk about that, at all. It was true that it was his first sexual experience but he’d just been pleased that he hadn’t mentioned how old he’d been at the time. That wouldn’t have gone down well.

“Yes,” Simon said tightly.

“Yeah, that was weird wasn’t it?” Nathan said, he laughed as he took a drag on his cigarette.

“What part?”

“All of it,” Nathan said, taking the focus away from where he’d started.

“You seriously want to talk about this now?” Simon asked earnestly.

“Why not?” Nathan shrugged.

“It was weird,” Simon stated, throwing Nathan’s words back at him.

“What part exactly?” Nathan asked, he wanted to make Simon uncomfortable so that he didn’t have to be.

“All of it. I thought you were messing with me,” Simon said. He brought his hand up to his head and patted his hair down.  

“I’m always messing with ya,” Nathan said honestly because it wouldn’t cost him anything.

“Isn’t that kind of sad though, how you really thought you were in love with me and I didn’t believe you,” Simon said, he’d definitely thought about this, there was strange hint of guilt to his words.

“That’s why I’m never serious, what’s the point if no one’s going to believe me? It’s much more fun anyways,” Nathan said, hands jammed into his pockets.

“You weren’t having fun the other week,” Simon said, cutting through Nathan’s bullshit statement.

“I got black out drunk, it’s not exactly the cheeriest state of being,” Nathan said, it was a half truth.

“It’s the most honest you’ve been with me.”

Nathan wanted to pass out, wanted the time to whizz by and for none of this to matter anymore. He needed noise. He needed something to fill his mind with so he wouldn’t be able to think about what he was saying or doing.

“Let’s play a game, eh?” Nathan said, he jumped in front of Simon and pulled the cigarette out of his mouth. 

“What?” Simon simply blinked back at him, stopped dead in the middle of the street.

“Just like a truth or dare sort of thing but it’s more like what if,” Nathan said, veins buzzing with the need to do something.

“I don’t understand,” Simon replied.

“What if I kissed you right now, would you believe that?” Nathan asked, smiling wildly as though it’d be a totally crazy thing to do and not something that he kept thinking about despite himself.

“Believe what about it?” Simon asked, his face was pinched in confusion and shifted his eyes behind Nathan down the street, he was definitely uncomfortable now.

“That I actually wanted to kiss you,” Nathan said because he did.

“I don’t know,” Simon said.

And then he was kissing Simon in the dark and empty street, with his fingers caught in the collar of Simon’s jacket. Simon tasted like alcohol and chewing gum. He was rigid against Nathan for a moment, it was like tonguing stone. Then Simon’s hand came up between them and pushed Nathan away by the mouth. Simon was breathing harshly.

Nathan started to mouth at the palm of Simon’s hand. Simon didn’t jump away instantly, so Nathan took that as a cue to go further. He put his lips to Simon’s pulse. His hands were still caught in the collar of Simon’s jacket, a white knuckled grip. Then he dipped his head under Simon’s hand and dived straight back in to kiss him. There was a little more pliancy to Simon and Nathan pushed further, he brought his hand up to Simon’s neck.

He wanted to tilt Simon’s head back, wanted to open his mouth wider and climb inside the boy, wanted to fill himself until he was full.

Simon seemingly came back to himself then, he pulled away from Nathan and tore out of his grasp. Then there was three meters of distance between them. Their chests heaved and Nathan could taste his heart, could hear his pulse. Simon dragged a hand down his face.

“You’re just lonely and you’re manipulating me because you know I’m lonely too,” Simon said, he hands were fisted and shaking at his sides.

“And what the hell makes you say that?” Nathan spat.

“Because you do it all the time,” Simon said.

“Do what all the time because as far as I know I’m just fucking around and having fun,” Nathan said, arms flung out dramatically. “You’re the one putting words into my mouth and feelings in my head.”

“You did it in my living room,” Simon said and Nathan didn’t want to hear it from Simon’s point of view. “You were all over me just to get me to let you sleep in the same bed as me,” he went on.

“I was drunk,” Nathan said, but he wasn’t drunk enough to not know what he was doing.

“That’s not the point,” Simon said, top lip curled back.

“Can’t you just go along with it and stop asking question?” Nathan asked.

“How am I supposed to know whether you mean it or not?” Simon returned, his earnestness was painful.

“Why does it even matter?” Nathan barked, perplexed.

“Because I don’t want to be made a fool of, especially not by my friend,” Simon said, there was so much more feeling there than Nathan was willing to see, so he bit at it.

“What’s that got to do with it?” Nathan said, his brows pinched. “I’m talking about being in the moment and just enjoying yourself, Barry, you could really do with it, maybe the stick up your arse would finally fall out,” he went on, tone condescending.

“I’m not you, I can’t do that,” Simon returned.

“Maybe you should fucking try it once in a while,” Nathan said, he took a step closer and Simon stayed where he was defiantly.

“You’re just trying to get me to do what you want,” Simon cut in harshly.

“Is it really so fucking bad? Is the thought of doing something that doesn’t mean anything so terrible?” Nathan asked. The implication was clear: ‘is it so awful to think about doing those things with me?’

“Everything means something,” Simon said and Nathan rolled his eyes.

“Why the fuck do you have to analyse everything?”

“I’m going to go home now Nathan,” Simon said and turned on his heels.

Nathan thought about running after him, but he only thought about it, and then Simon was gone from his view. He wasn’t drunk enough. This was a real argument, not just the usual almost something between them that they both pretended was an argument. He didn’t want to go back to the community centre but he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

He started down the street, his footsteps echoed out into the darkness. The streets were practically empty. The silence was thick around him, it touched him like a lover. He wanted Simon against him again. Nathan wasn’t sure whether he just wanted to have the heat of someone next him or he wanted Simon specifically. It was so messed up in his head.

It was hard to tell where any of his feelings were coming from. Did he actually have feelings for Simon, had things been leading to the desire and comfort he was feeling or was it just the phantom pain from the love he’d felt because of the tattoo. He couldn’t tell and he didn’t know whether it mattered or not. All he knew was that he was feeling something.


	6. Chapter 6

Nathan lied on the floor of the mezzanine, let the chill of it seep in through his clothes, and stared at the wall. He felt as though he were being pressed down into the floor.

Some hot rough sex and no thinking would have been nice right then, Nathan thought. He wanted to fuck the pain away. Feel something else for someone else, just so he could get over this. He didn’t want to have complicated feelings about things. He didn’t need to be any more confused about the things that kept him up at night.

Did he really mean it, Nathan didn’t know, but he knew he wanted it. He wanted to feel Simon against him again. It was just so nice to have someone care about him and do something about it no matter what he said or how much he feigned disinterest in being cared for. It sort of made him weak at knees.

He wondered what Simon would be like in bed. Obviously Simon was a virgin and the sex would be awkward and educational, in Nathan’s fantasy Simon moved around him the same way he always did. Tentative but biting, desperate and hating it.

He couldn’t even get it up to masturbate, his mind was such a mess he could hardly get hard and when he did it didn’t last long. If he could just rub one out he might have been able to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

“You listening to depressing shite again?” Nathan said and dropped down beside Simon. He instantly pulled his lunchbox out of Nathan’s reach.

Simon ducked his head a little, “no, it’s The 1975,” he said, bristling. The name was familiar to Nathan but he couldn’t think of a sound that went with it.

Nathan snatched the ear bud from between Simon’s fingers and put it in his own ear. The tune was light and sharp, like an imitation of an eighties style that Nathan had never been too into. At least it wasn’t sending him into a coma.

 

> _But you're losing your words,_  
>  _We're speaking in bodies,_  
>  _Avoiding me and talking 'bout you._  
>  _And you're losing your turn,_  
>  _I guess I'll never learn_  
>  _'Cause I stay another hour or two._  
>    
>  _For crying out loud, settle down!_  
>  _You know I can't be found with you._  
>  _We get back to my house,_  
>  _Your hands, my mouth._  
>  _Now I just stop myself around you._
> 
> _For crying out loud!_

 

“It reminds me of you,” Simon said as the song ended.

“Sounds like it’s talking about sex,” Nathan replied as he set the ear bud down.

“In a way, but that’s not the point of the song,” Simon said with a shrug and took a sip of his diet coke.

“So what is the point or are you trying to teach me something because I’m not really up for learning things,” Nathan said and yawned, he kind of didn’t want to hear what Simon had to say, but he didn’t want to be alone either.

“He’s talking about being messed around,” Simon stated and finished off his drink, the can clanked hollowly as he set it down on the table.

Nathan rolled his eyes, he needed a cigarette. He knew exactly what Simon was getting at and he hated it. It was too sharp, too close and way too far off.

He wondered why he’d come to Simon at all. This wasn’t any good and it wasn’t any fun, he should have hung out with Kelly instead. He should pick some other random girl to fall in love with. It would be less complicated. Everything about what was going on between him and Simon was complicated.

“There’s a Marina and the Diamonds song that reminds me of you,” Nathan shot back.

“Yeah?” Simon replied, trying not to sound as interested as he was.

“It’s called Living Dead,” Nathan said.

“Is it about zombies?” Simon asked, blinking flatly at Nathan.

“Because I obviously can’t be into things with a little more depth than a song called Living Dead being about zombies,” Nathan said, “I might be as shallow as a shower, but I am very cultured,” he went on as Simon watched with no reaction. “It’s about not living your life because you’re waiting for it to start.”

Simon stared blankly back at him.

Something was happening, Nathan knew that much. It was a vicious kind of teasing that could only happen between people that really knew each other at least on some level, but it was flirting too, showing how much they saw of each other.

 

* * *

 

Outside of community service, they didn’t really hang out much. He couldn’t just show up at one of their homes and expect to be invited in. They weren’t that type of friends. They weren’t that close, at least not in that way. He’d never been that close to anyone.

It was the weekend and Nathan had nothing to do. No one was calling him.

If Jamie were still alive, he’d have someone to hang out with.

Nathan was sat in a park pretending that he was waiting for someone. He had enough money for a coffee and one fast food meal, what he really wanted were a couple uppers and a couple downers. Food would be nice, but he didn’t keep his figure by eating.

His phone vibrated against his leg, Nathan palmed it out of his pocket and looked at the caller id. He frowned at the screen. It had been a while since he’d had one of these calls, he hadn’t had one since starting community service. Nathan bit his lip. If he answered the phone he could get a really good meal, he could get enough money to buy hard drugs and a crate of beers, and he could probably get another bath too.

Nathan answered the phone.

 

* * *

 

 Wined, dined and washed twice over. Nathan left the hotel Sunday morning with a pocket full money. He felt like he was walking on air, but that might just have been the ketamine. All was right with the world.

He got all of his clothes washed at a laundrette, the place was like walking into a different time, as though it were stuck in the mid eighties. The portly middle aged woman, who was mostly there just to make sure no one broke the machines, watched Nathan fumble around for a solid ten minutes before she took over. She took Nathan’s money with a frustrated sigh, staring hard into his eyes, and told him to come back in two hours.

Nathan brought a pack of underwear and a new pair of straight cut jeans in a basic off brand store. Then he got two packs of Camel Blues and a six pack of beer for a corner shop.

“Nathan?” Simon’s voice called just outside the entrance.

“Melonfucker,” Nathan smiled, lips curling wide as he slipped his change into his wallet.

“Where’d you get that money?” Simon asked eyeing the thick wad of notes bulging Nathan’s wallet.

“A friend,” Nathan replied and put the wallet away.

Simon’s face screwed up, it would have been insulting, something Nathan would have commented on if it wasn’t for the ket still rolling through his veins.

“Who?” Simon asked.

“Dorothy” Nathan smiled, laughing at a joke that only he was in on. “What’s it matter to you?”

He watched Simon struggle to ask him something, Nathan could see him following the logic of the situation but being unwilling to go the destination that the right line of thinking took him to. Simon was stuck to the spot. Unable to move forward and unwilling to step back from the confrontation he’d started.

“Well, this has been nice but I’ve got a drug dealer to call,” Nathan said and patted Simon on the shoulder as he left.

 

* * *

 

Nathan walked into the locker room, he was a little late, but he was having a little trouble keeping track of time. He figured it was the come down. It’d been a while since he’d done ket. As he fumbled his way into the jumpsuit, he could feel Simon’s eyes on him, still tongue tied and worried. It would have been fine if Simon wasn’t broadcasting it to Kelly.

He tried to ignore it, hoped that it would just blow over without him having to flat out lie to Kelly’s face, again.

The morning went by in the usual way.

At lunch he and Alisha were sat outside, lent the wrong way against the bench, staring out across the gray river. Silence was never awkward between them. Nathan figured that it was easier to exist in the same space as each other after sharing little pieces of themselves.

“Kelly and Simon think you’re whoring yourself out,” Alisha said, not looking at him as she tapped something out on her phone. He wondered just when they’d had the time to talk about it, but Kelly had probably just heard Simon’s thoughts and told Alisha about it.

“They think I’m turning tricks on the street?” Nathan laughed, puffing smoke into the air in front of him. “If only. Then I’d have my own Pretty Woman moment,” he said dreamily.

“You want a sugar daddy?” Alisha laughed, she put her phone away and lit a cigarette.

“At least I wouldn’t be homeless,” Nathan said, he had the feeling that the rest of them forgot about that sometimes, but he figured it was because they weren’t confronted by it all the time like he was. “And you can’t tell me that you wouldn’t at least be tempted by some stinking rich guy,” he added.

“I guess,” Alisha said with a shrug and took a drag off her cigarette. “Wouldn’t you feel a little dirty doing all that for money, especially when you’re not gay?” She asked.

“Lots of guys go gay for pay,” Nathan shrugged.

“How would you know that?” Alisha asked, leaning in as though she was about to catch him out.

“There’s a Louis Theroux documentary about it,” Nathan replied, as though he hadn’t already known about it before he’d seen that documentary and he’d only watched fifteen minutes of it anyway.

“So did you get a ton of money for sucking dick?”

“Is that what Kelly said?” Nathan asked, smiling sharply.

“Pretty much,” Alisha replied.

“Before I tell you because I am dying to talk to someone about this let it be said that I never told anyone what you told me about that Courtney bitch,” Nathan said staring hard at Alisha as though he were asking her to cross her heart.

“Alright,” Alisha smiled and mimed zipping her lips as she shuffled closer to Nathan.

“Okay so a couple of years ago I had this trust fund kid friend who would get us into all these fancy clubs and he’d get us all these designer drugs and shit,” Nathan said, smiling as he reminisced. It had been a good month until he’d pissed off his royal highness enough to be kicked out of the inner circle. “So we’re in one of these clubs and I’m so wasted my face is melt from the Molly and her friend the vodka cocktail when this guy comes up to me. He’s just this generic rich guy, plain suit and plain hair and a face I can’t remember even though I saw him the other day, he’s like a piece of cardboard,” he went on, living in the way that Alisha was watching him as though this were her favourite TV show.

“My friends call them paper bag men,” Alisha said, pulling the cigarette from her mouth.

“Right, and of course he’s so interested in me and somehow I end up with enough money to go to Amsterdam and lose a week of my life,” Nathan continued, wiggling his eyebrows as he smiled back at her.

“So you let him fuck you for cash? You have a sugar daddy?” Alisha gapped.

“I’ve only down it three times,” he admitted. “Turns out we’re both great at giving head, we’ve got so much in common,” Nathan said, alluding to her performance with the water bottle, as he leaned against her and batted his eyelashes.

“Of course,” Alisha smirked and rolled her eyes at him, taking another drag off her cigarette.

“Hey, it all tastes the same in the dark,” Nathan said with a shrug.

“It really fucking doesn’t,” Alisha replied and they learnt a little more about each other.  

 

* * *

 

The streets were full of garbage and empty of people. Nathan pumped the grabber over and over, scanning the pothole marked concrete. His eyes fell on the latex corpse sticking out of a puddle. He got it in the grabber and flung it up toward Simon.

“Hey, one for your collection Barry,” Nathan yelled manically, waving it in Simon’s face.

Simon was clearly disgusted, he jumped backwards and tried to stay out of Nathan’s reach. Of course Nathan chased him. The used condom hanging limply between them.

“Nathan,” Simon groaned, recoiling from the condom.

Then something happened that flooded absolute terror and wild hilarity through him. The condom slipped from the grabber. Everything moved in slow motion as it shot toward Simon and slapped him in the face before dropping to the floor. Nobody moved or said anything, it was as though a spell had been cast and a hush fell over the entire group. And then Simon disappeared.

“Barry come on!” Nathan called. “It was an accident!” He added, yelling at the empty air.

Kelly clipped him hard around the head, Nathan hissed and rubbed at his scalp. “Hey, it was an accident,” he said, turning to Kelly.

“It wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t fucking around with him, I thought I told you to cut it out,” Kelly said harshly, her big eyes blinked up at him and waited patiently for an answer that wasn’t coming.

“Since when has he listened to anything?” Curtis said, staring at Nathan with bare faced distaste.

“It was a fucking accident,” Nathan reiterated, teeth gritted.

“What were you expecting to happen exactly?” Alisha asked, arms crossed over her chest.

“Not that,” Nathan replied sharply, they were all turned on him.

“Prick,” Curtis muttered and turned back to the trash.

Kelly came closer to him, clearly about to make a point that Nathan didn’t want to hear.

“You’re just rubbing it in Nathan, I really think you should apologise,” she said, softer but Nathan didn’t miss the moral manipulation.

“What are you my conscience or something?” Nathan returned, bristling from being cornered. 

Kelly blinked up at him, she could have easily read him for filth or hit him again, but she turned away and joined the others, leaving Nathan alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Simon's listening to is Settle Down by The 1975, I feel like a lot of their songs have a sort of Nathan vibe and I just really like them.  
> Nathan mentions Living Dead by Marina and the Diamonds, I think the song kind of describes the both of them in a way.  
> When Nathan says that his friend's called Dorothy he's mentioning how when being gay was pretty much illegal, gay men would says that they were 'a friend of Dorothy' as a short hand for saying that they were gay because Judy Garland was famously a gay ally.  
> I've never done ketamine so I don't expect this to be entirely accurate but I did do some research.  
> The Louis Theroux documentaries about the Porn Industry (he's done a few) are really interesting and do go into the whole 'gay for pay' thing. 
> 
> Thanks for reading x


	7. Chapter 7

Nathan was waiting for the sun to set, smoking a joint. He was laid out against the grass as he stared up at the sky, on the green just a little ways away from the community centre and the evening was going as well as it could be.

Then Simon appeared over him. He looked pissed off. It was a little hot, all things considered.

“Are you still mad at me because you know I wasn’t trying to put a filthy condom on your face, that was a genuine accident,” Nathan said, pre-emptively apologising or as close as he came to an apology. 

“Did you sell your body for money?” Simon asked.

Nathan tried not to roll his eyes for fear that they would tumble straight out of his head. He couldn’t believe Simon was still hung up on that. Of all the things to worry about, of all the things that were clearly going on with Nathan and the ones that weren’t so clear, Simon chose this to worry about.

“Are you a fucking cop man, who talks like that?” Nathan asked and leant up onto his elbows. “Wait, are you propositioning me? Aren’t I a little too old for you?”

“I’m not a paedophile,” Simon ground out, tired of Nathan’s shit.

“So why are you asking?”

“Because you’re my friend,” Simon said, it was a little sad and pathetic, completely halting the joke and killing Nathan’s high.

“I’m a big girl darling, I can handle myself,” Nathan said in an atrocious American accent that Simon clearly forced himself not to laugh at.

Simon dropped down onto the grass and sat cross-legged beside Nathan. He stole the joint from between Nathan’s fingers. Nathan didn’t say anything, he just watched as Simon brought the joint up to his lips and took a drag off of it. A spluttering cough followed but he didn’t pass it back to Nathan.

“I thought you didn’t do drugs?” Nathan said pointedly.

Simon didn’t talk for a moment, he simply stared at the joint held between his thumb and his finger. He took another drag and coughed again before he passed it back to Nathan.

“Why are you doing this to me?” He asked, staring Nathan hard in the eyes.

“Doing what to you? What I do has nothing to do with you,” Nathan spat, sneering as he looked up at the other. “You’re getting real stalkery about this shit, why don’t you just go home and watch a kidnapping instead yeah?”

Simon didn’t speak for a long time. He pulled at the grass beneath them and didn’t look at Nathan.

“It’s dangerous,” he finally said.

“I'm immortal,” Nathan returned reflexively.

“It doesn’t mean that you don’t get hurt,” Simon replied, still without looking at Nathan.

Nathan sighed and put the joint into his mouth, he sucked in until the end was at his fingers and snubbed it out into the grass. Of course it didn’t mean that he didn’t get hurt. Nathan knew that, he was hurting all the time.

“You don’t need to worry,” Nathan said seriously, leaning back against the grass to try and catch Simon’s eye.

“I don’t believe you,” Simon said and Nathan groaned.

“Simon,” Nathan said, using the other’s name to get his attention. The last time he’d said it he was under the influence of the tattoo. “With the greatest respect for you and the creepy shit you’ve done for us all, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” he continued slowly and with great effort.

“And you know everything about sex work?” Simon asked, brows pinched as though saying that much pained him.

“It’s not what you think it is?” Nathan said. He knew that the image in Simon’s head was boys on darkened streets whereas he was just hooking up with one guy who would pay for it, like a three time call girl.

“So what is it?”

“Someone I know gave me some money once and they wanted to do it again,” Nathan said it without actually saying it. “I know what I’m doing.”

Nathan wanted to kiss Simon, he wanted to be kissed, he wanted to feel Simon’s concern pressed against his mouth. He dropped down completely onto the ground. The light cut across Simon’s jaw line from the low angle, it was a nice view, but still not as nice as kissing him would be.

All this attention was making him dizzy. He hated that he loved it when Simon worried about him.

“You know someone that will give you money in exchange for… stuff,” Simon said mostly to himself.

“Sex isn’t a swear word Barry, for a pervert you’re such a prude,” Nathan said, he thought about crawling over to Simon and dropping his head into the other’s lap, but he didn’t do it. “I’m not doing it again anyway, he’s going to Seattle, apparently it’s just like London but gayer,” he laughed because how the hell was that appealing? Nathan hadn’t said anything at the time because the ket had aligned every single one of his cells with the atoms of the universe so it didn’t really seem to matter.

He dropped his hand palm up between them. Something a little more gentle than his recent efforts with Simon, something more like an olive branch and less like a snare.

Simon’s hand was slow against his own, fingertips sliding over his. Their fingers loosely intertwined between them. It was tentative and slow. Something that Nathan never was, he was all impulse and gratification.

“So, are you gay then? Is that why you and Kelly didn’t work out?” Simon asked, staring down at their hands.

“Maybe I’m a little gay,” Nathan said, smiling up at Simon. Drugs, money, clean clothes and some decent meals must have really mellowed him out because he wouldn’t usually be so loose.

“Are you trying to tell me that you’re bisexual?” Simon asked, brows pinched as he brought his eyes to Nathan.

“I’m trying to tell you that I’m into you, can’t you get it through your melon fucking head?” Nathan sat straight up, getting into Simon’s space, with their hands still together between them.

“Is this another joke?”

Instead of saying anything, because he knew Simon wouldn’t believe a damn thing that came out of his mouth anyways, he leaned over and swiftly captured Simon’s lips with his own.

It was the first kiss between them that really meant anything. It was the first one that wasn’t a lie.

He wanted to be obliterated by Simon’s kiss. He wanted to be swept off of his feet by that touch, it would have answered all his questions and cleared his head, but that wasn’t what happened. Everything was the same and Nathan didn’t know what he’d expected to happen. It was a relief. Simon’s kiss was hesitant and made Nathan wonder if he’d ever kissed anyone, if he had then Nathan figured the number was around the low single digits.

When Nathan moved away, Simon looked a little dazed. He blinked slowly at Nathan. The light was getting darker. Sun kissing the horizon, and red broke across the water and out over the sky.

“Do I look like I’m laughing?” Nathan asked.

Simon clammed up but managed to shake his head. “I’m not going to pay you.”

“You don’t have to,” Nathan said and kissed him again. One hand curled in the front of Simon’s jacket the other still entangled with Simon’s.

“I’m gonna have to go home soon,” Simon murmured, practically against Nathan’s lips as the other pulled away.

“Leaving me like River Phoenix on the side of the road, how Keanu Reeves of you,” Nathan said and dramatically dropped himself into Simon’s lap.

He’d only seen My Own Private Idaho once in a drug dealer’s flat, smoking weed as his mate gave the drug dealer a handy. It was a weird night. Most of the film went over his head as he wondered why the hell it was taking this guy nearly two hours to blow his load. The thing that really resonated with Nathan was the scene where Keanu Reeves took River Phoenix home to his family and made him sandwiches, he could have sworn that River Phoenix’s character had been molested, when he’d said as much his friend’s other hand settled in his lap just to shut him up.

“What?”

“You’re so uncultured darling,” Nathan purred, he tilted his head.

Simon smiled softly and shook his head lightly at Nathan. “I’ve gotta go,” he said.

Something had started between them and Nathan felt relieved.

 

* * *

 

The relief didn’t last long. Spread diagonal across the mat, head against the floor. Hard on the come down. Free falling from the drugs and the high of having Simon’s mouth willingly against his own. Nathan never usually examined what he really wanted, he just went from impulse to impulse chasing his own gratification. Everyone else up until that point had been collateral damage.

Now he actually cared about the people around him, even Curtis despite the animosity between them. He chalked it up to the several near death experiences and the crimes they had committed together. Thicker than thieves. Sure he was still his naturally abrasive self, but the thought of breaking up the band and ruining the support group left Nathan slick with terror.

He wanted to get high, but he needed to eat too. Five hundred pounds didn’t last long when you were homeless. Nathan had to practice one of his least favourite things, self preservation.

So instead of getting high or drunk, Nathan lied there thinking about Simon. He knew that there was a high chance that he would fuck this up, whatever the hell it was. There was just something about Simon that made the worst of him come out. Simon looked at him no matter what he was doing and no matter what he said, which was probably his biggest mistake. For someone as desperate for attention as Nathan, he lived in that unwavering gaze.

Did he want to chase something that he wouldn’t be able to slide out from under? He couldn’t just fuck Simon and slip away, he didn’t think that he wanted to either, but couldn’t exactly tell Simon that he wanted to fall in love with him because he wanted to feel that high again.

He couldn’t just say ‘I want to love you so I feel less empty’.

 

* * *

 

_No one’s home._

Nathan stared at his phone, coming down from the micro-dose of ket he’d taken that morning. Ear buds still in playing some instrumental electronica. He blinked at the words swimming on the screen in front of him. His head was spinning slightly. Simon never texted him, no one texted him.

_Do you want to come over?_

He ran his hand up his face and through his thick curls. Nathan wasn’t sure what he was doing, but Nathan never really thought things through. He was trying to. For the first time in a long time he was trying to think things through but that was pretty hard while he was rolling down the hill of the ket high.

Nathan texted Simon back.

_I’ll be there in however long it takes me to get there._

 

* * *

 

Nathan eventually got to Simon’s house some time after twelve, he was honestly surprised that he remembered how to get there, but he got there.

Simon opened the door and Nathan realised how awkward this was going to be. He stepped inside and Simon closed the door behind him. They stared at each other, shifting under their skin in the hallway.

“Where’s the family then?” Nathan asked, for something to say. 

“My mum’s taking my sister to Alton Towers, it’s a birthday party I think and they’re staying overnight,” Simon explained. Nathan knew that Simon didn’t mean the implication that he’d heard.

“What about your dad?” Nathan asked, he didn’t want to be in Simon’s house still coming down off of ketamine of all things when he met Simon’s father.

“He’s not here,” Simon said. “I haven’t seen my dad since I was thirteen,” he added, eyes adverted to his feet.

“Well, here’s to shite dads,” Nathan said, he mimed raising a glass and toasted the back of Simon’s hand.

“You don’t have a good relationship with your dad?” Simon asked, looking back up at Nathan.

“Don’t I just have daddy issues written across my forehead?” Nathan said, laughing bitterly. “I’ve been desperate for a stable male role model my entire life,” he added. They were still in the hallway and he didn’t want to talk about this.

Nathan captured Simon’s face between his hands and crashed their mouths together. He pushed the other against the wall and moved his hands down to Simon’s neck, moved his thumb over Simon’s pulse. Simon’s hands were hesitant twisting in the air at his sides. It was obvious that Simon had never been kissed like this. Throughout the kiss, Simon was playing catch up, chasing Nathan’s movements. Then Nathan stepped back.

“Well now that’s out of the way, how are you doing?” Nathan asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  

“I’m okay,” Simon said, chest heaving, still leant against the wall.

“So, you were always in to me right? I bet there’s a hard drive somewhere up there that’s like ninety five percent full of videos of me,” Nathan said, hips jutted out cockily as he pointed toward the stairs.

Simon shrugged.

“You can’t kiss me and say you don’t like me,” Nathan said, smiling sharply at Simon.

“I’m not saying that,” Simon said, “it’s, I don’t know you draw attention,” he finished lamely.

“That’s such a non-answer,” Nathan huffed and crossed his arms.

“I guess I always liked you in a way,” Simon said at length as he patted his hair down.

“Now was that so hard to say?” Nathan said, smiling as he threw his arms out. Simon shook his head.

“Did you always like me?” Simon asked, turning the question back to Nathan.

There was no way that Nathan could just come out with the truth, which was that he honestly hadn’t really thought about it until the whole thing with the tattoo. If he was being completely honest though, things might have been leading to this, but he might not have been so desperate to feel love and be loved. 

“Why do you think I pick on you so much?” Nathan said instead, his own kind of non-answer.

“Because you like me?” Simon asked, brows scrunched up, he wasn’t buying it.

“I’m an attention whore, you gave me attention and I fell for it,” Nathan explained. “I mean that’s not all of it, I’m not that cheap and you know it,” he continued, alluding to something he knew made Simon uncomfortable, “but yeah I guess I’ve always liked you,” he finished.

Simon flushed, seemingly unprepared for the answer to his own question.

“Ya think we could move out of the hall or do you wanna just spend the whole day here?” Nathan said, pointing out that they were still in the hall. Simon seemed to just suddenly realise that they were still stood by the door and started to make his way up the stairs, Nathan followed. “So what are we doing?” he asked, shamelessly checking out Simon’s arse.

“We could watch a film,” Simon said over his shoulder.

“Sure,” Nathan replied. If he could sit down on something comfortable and lean against Simon for a couple of hours then he’d watch paint dry to be honest.

Simon’s room was exactly the same as it had been the last time Nathan had been in it, though he hadn’t really been paying attention to the décor at the time. It was anally clean, comic books and DVDs neatly stacked on shelves, there was a computer desk tucked against the wall and the planetary banner that ran along the middle of the walls topped the whole thing off in a soft semi-innocent and nerdy way. It was familiar and Nathan sunk into that feeling.

They climbed onto Simon’s bed. Nathan sat against the wall, tucked into the corner. Simon set his laptop on his lap and connected a hard drive to the USB slot. The whole thing was full of movies.

“What do you want to watch?” Simon asked, blinking slowly up at Nathan.

“I dunno, put whatever you want on but don’t expect me to be paying a whole lot of attention to it,” Nathan said, shifting comfortably into the mattress.

“Okay,” Simon said and clicked on a movie.

They watched two movies back to back. Nathan felt boneless when the last one finished, shoulder to shoulder with Simon, head leant back against the headboard. He was sleepy and hungry. If he’d have been quizzed about the movie’s he’d just watched he wouldn’t have been able to tell you much beside that they were definitely sci-fi and filled with melancholy.  The sun was almost against the horizon. It spilled soft orange light into the room that cut across Simon’s face in gentle tones.

“You gonna feed me Barry?” Nathan asked, his stomach growled and Simon chuckled.

“I think there’s a pizza in the freezer,” Simon said, he ejected the hard drive and closed his laptop, setting them down on the bedside table.

Nathan followed Simon through the house. It was so jarringly different from the last time he’d been there, he wasn’t so scared of his feelings, mostly because he wasn’t thinking about them and Simon wasn’t suffocating him with concern.  There was more space around them and they could move between each other.

Simon switched on the oven and got the pizza out of the freezer. It was another strangely domestic moment between them, Simon had made him breakfast and now he was making him dinner. He wanted to kiss Simon like a 1940’s housewife. Grab Simon by the waist, dip him down and kiss him cleanly like cameras were on them.

He realised that he could do that, he could do it and Simon would let him, would want him to even.

Nathan cowed Simon against the counter, the edge digging into the small of his back, and kissed him. Hand on the back of Simon’s head, lip locked, fingers sliding into Simon’s hair. Simon kissed back, following Nathan with a little more ease than last time.

It wasn’t heavy petting which was kind of out of character for Nathan.

In his mind though, Nathan thought that pushing things too far forward would break the little spell between them. He imagined that Simon would freak out the moment anything brushed his groin. Or Simon would start asking about his feelings or ask about the things that had happened when he was under the affects of the tattoo. He was already dancing around it, precariously balanced on a knife’s edge. Nathan knew that he’d start freaking out about how easy it was to be around Simon, to kiss Simon, the next time he was alone.

They stepped apart as the oven bleeped. Simon slid the pizza inside, closed the door and turned back to Nathan. His hair was mussed, his cheeks were flushed and his chest rose and fell swiftly. Nathan wanted to bend him over the kitchen table.

He didn’t.

Sex might ruin the strange little moment of bliss between them. Nathan was a little worried that if they had sex then he’d realise that the feelings he was chasing were nothing and he’d be left feeling empty again or even more so than before.

He didn’t want to think about it.

“Why haven’t you had a big gay panic moment?” Nathan asked, it was something he’d been wondering about, he’d expected there to be a sexual crisis before they got to this level of ease.

“I had it in school,” Simon replied simply.

“So you freaking out was just because I’m an unreliable prick?” Nathan said, brow arched as he watched Simon.

“Yes.”

“Well that’s nice to know,” Nathan started and then really caught onto what Simon was saying. “Wait, rewind, you had a gay experience in school?” He asked, very much interested in wherever this was going.

“I had a crush on someone,” Simon said, “it really freaked me out and I got so confused because I still liked girls,” he went on, fiddling with the pizza cutter.

“How did you deal with it?” Nathan asked, but he sort of already knew the answer and it definitely wasn’t anything wildly exciting.

“I searched the internet and learnt about bisexuality,” Simon said because of course he did.

“What happened with the crush?” Nathan asked, brows furrowed because he needed more but knew he wouldn’t get anything.

“Nothing, it was school and I was terrified, I’m still terrified,” Simon said as he turned to the cupboards and pulled out a couple of plates.

“Scared of what, being gay? Still?” Nathan said flippantly.

“A lot of things scare me,” Simon said obtusely, not looking at Nathan. “How did you deal with it?” He asked and this time Nathan didn’t have to think on his feet or wonder what Simon might think about it.

“I just went with it, kissed people and all the other naughty stuff, I didn’t need a website to tell me who I am,” Nathan explained, staring pointedly at Simon.

“So are you bi?” Simon asked, ignoring the jab at him.

“I don’t do labels,” Nathan said, waving Simon off.

Simon rolled his eyes. The oven beeped again and Simon pulled the pizza out, Nathan remembered that he was hungry. He sat at the table and watched Simon.

Simon cut the pizza and divided it onto plates. He sat down opposite Nathan and tucked right in, clearly as hungry as Nathan. Silence pervaded the room as they ate.

“Are you feeling better about your brother?” Simon asked, shifting in his seat.  

“Not really, I’ve just been pumped full of drugs and alcohol since the last time we talked about it, been rolling too much to think about it but thanks for the reminder,” Nathan said, vaguely admitting to what Simon already knew.

“I’m sorry?” Simon replied. He looked up and out the window, showing Nathan the stretch of his neck, the cut of his jaw and Adam’s apple. It was distracting.

“It’s fine, I just seem better because I’m not talking about it,” Nathan said after a moment, even more honesty, but it didn’t seem to cost anything. Simon wasn’t asking to pry Nathan open and this particular kitchen table was a kind of no man’s land, a place where it felt like he could say almost anything.

“Are you self-medicating?” Simon asked, brows furrowed as he stared across at Nathan.

“Maybe?” Nathan said, face twisted as he shoved a slice of pizza into his mouth.

Simon looked instantly uncomfortable.

“What?” Nathan pressed.

“Have you spoken to anyone about it, how you feel about losing your brother,” Simon said, hands twitching against the table.

“Not more than I’ve spoken to you or Kelly,” Nathan said with a shrug. “I’m not talking to a doctor about shit if that’s what you’re getting at,” he added.

“I was just wondering,” Simon said, his shoulders were up to his ears and he was curled over the table.

“Can you even imagine me talking to a doctor about my feelings?”

Nathan could imagine it because he’d been there, he’d lied through his teeth every single time, eventually people had gotten tired of it and the money ran out.

Then he realised that Simon had been there, the same but different like always. Nathan looked at Simon then, really looked at him. He was making himself small and avoiding eye contact. It was like he was trying to make himself invisible, which he could actually do.

“You want me to kiss the sour look off your face or would you prefer a handy?” Nathan said, turning to subject away from doctors and medicine and all that.

“I’m fine thanks,” Simon said, ducking his head as he took a bite of pizza.

“You ever been given a handy before or has your penis only known the love of your own hands?” Nathan asked, smiling slyly.

“The furthest I’ve ever gone with someone is when Lucy was pretending to be Alisha,” Simon said, sliding back into his discomfort zone.

“I could give you a blowie to take your mind off of it,” Nathan said, leaning further over the table. He could see himself climbing down under the table, unzipping Simon’s fly and wrapping his mouth around the other. Nathan knew that he’d blow Simon’s mind.

“What is this?” Simon asked suddenly.

“What?”

“This,” Simon said gesturing between them.

“Does it matter?” Nathan returned, he absolutely hated these kinds of conversations. “I already said that I don’t do labels,” he added just to distance himself from having to define whatever this was.

“Of course it matters,” Simon said, frowning.

“Yeah because you need everything labelled and colour coded or you’ll have a fucking seizure,” Nathan snapped, he pushed away from the table and leant back into the chair.

“How am I supposed to know what’s happening if I don’t know what you think this is?” Simon asked, leaning forward with his elbows on the table.

“Oh, do you know what this is then? You some sort of relationship expert now?” Nathan scoffed. “Tell me what it is then?” He asked sharply.

“I don’t have the experience to know anything about this and that’s why I’m asking you,” Simon said, he was giving Nathan too much power by asking him to define things between them, especially when Nathan hated to define anything.

“Seriously Barry chill the fuck out before you get an aneurysm,” Nathan spat. “Isn’t this enough? We’re just doing stuff, is that so fucking awful? You know I’m not messing you around so I don’t see what you’re all bent out of shape for?” He went on, if anything he was going to be the one to have an aneurysm.

“You can’t see this from my point of view, can you?” Simon said, he leant back in his chair, mirroring Nathan. He and Nathan were as far apart as they had been since Nathan had arrived.

He was already ruining it, he couldn’t help himself.

“I can, it’s just a stupid point of view,” Nathan replied.

Simon’s hand reached up to his head and pressed down his hair. He rose from his chair, cleared the table of the plates and put them in the sink. Nathan stayed seated staring at where Simon had been. Simon ran the water and washed the plates and the pizza cutter.

“You’re just scared,” Simon said with his back to Nathan.

“I’m not scared of anything, I’ve died, what the fuck do I have to be scared of?” Nathan said, jumping out of his chair.

Simon shrugged without looking at Nathan and he couldn’t stand it. He left.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I got my chapters mixed up there for a few hours but it's all fixed now.  
> Waring: This chapter contains sexual content.

The street lights bled orange against the gray surroundings, Nathan’s heart was racing, he lit a cigarette. He’d overreacted and he knew it. The accusation that he was scared really got under Nathan’s skin. Though he didn’t know why it’d gotten under his skin, when people tried to put things on him nothing would stick.

Nathan hissed as he inhaled, it was irritating.

Sure he was scared about a lot of things, but he didn’t want to admit that to Simon, didn’t need to. He was confused too. This was why Nathan never got involved in these sorts of things. Thinking about his feelings practically brought him out in hives, it never took him anywhere good and always left him cold and hollow.

He didn’t know what he was doing with Simon and he certainly couldn’t give Simon the answers he wanted. Nathan doubted that he’d ever be able to give Simon the kind of answer he wanted. Labels and definitions were the enemy. If you weren’t definable then you weren’t knowable. Maybe he was chasing a feeling, chasing a high that was clean. It might not have been for the right reasons but did that really matter. He wanted fill a hole and Simon was already there, Simon was a large part of the reason he’d found the hole in the first place, had reminded him that there was something like that he could feel. Simon was desperate for any kind of positive attention, pliable in Nathan’s hand. He couldn’t help himself.  

He couldn’t help himself because he was jonesing for that feeling of being in love. The hole inside him was a familiar itch, an addict’s dry mouth and twitchy fingers. He took a drag off his cigarette and watched the smoke twist in the air before him.

What would have happened if he’d have stayed? They probably would have argued some more, it didn’t seem to be going anywhere, and when Nathan didn’t see something going somewhere he usually just left. But he’d left Simon alone, thinking that he was being evasive just to piss him off and not because he didn’t have anything to say. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He took another drag off of the cigarette, it didn’t taste much better.

Nathan needed to feel better about himself because he hadn’t done anything wrong, or at least he didn’t feel like it. He didn’t have too much money left, but he definitely had enough for a bit of coke.

Laid out on his makeshift bed, his heart was beating so fast, it was exhilarating. He was so hard that his dick was throbbing. The coke was working wonders. He jacked it so fast he thought he was going cum out his intestines, the orgasm was so intense. It was nearly forty minutes of bliss.

Minute forty one was absolute terror.

The room was suddenly much more narrow and shallow than it had just been. His pulse was rocking through him, rattling his body. He was back in that coffin, six feet under the dirt. How many times had he suffocated to death down there? He’d tried not to count. Nathan was gasping for air, fingers on his throat. His heart was beating so fast. He wasn’t dying but it sure as hell felt like it.

 

* * *

 

He needed somewhere to be. He needed to see people, be around them. Bask in the feeling of the sun on his skin, out in the open. He could see the sky. He definitely wasn’t in a coffin, he wasn’t suffocating, and he wasn’t dying over and over again.

Waking up in an oxygen starved box after dying for the fifteenth time wasn’t as horrifying as the first time, but it wasn’t exactly fun either.

Funerals would never be the same again. They’d buried bodies under concrete, if that happened to him it’d just be another continuous and never ending cycle of death and resurrection and death again. They sunk Sally to the bottom of the river, Nathan figured he’d probably be able to get out of that one, the only thing holding her down were a bunch of rocks.

His brother had burned alive and then had been cremated, rendered into ash. There might have been something poetic about that but Nathan’s stomach churned as he thought about it. He was pretty lucky that his mum had decided to bury him, it must have been expensive, he had no idea what would happen to him if he was turned to ash.  

He should probably get a will.

Nathan tried to drown out the thoughts with noise, he was sat on a park bench listening to music, letting the world and the sounds wash over him.

 

> _Oh, make me over._  
>  _I'm all I wanna be._  
>  _A walking study_  
>  _In demonology._  
>    
> _Hey, so glad you could make it._  
>  _Yeah, now you've really made it._  
>  _Hey, so glad you could make it now._  
>    
> _Oh, look at my face._  
>  _My name is might have been,_  
>  _My name is never was,_  
>  _My name's forgotten._

 

The sunlight was stark across the grass and through the trees. Nathan squinted against it. Twitching like a cockroach from the come down, the coke high didn’t last long enough for this shit.

He started to think that maybe he should have just turned tail and apologised to Simon, even though he didn’t think that he’d done anything wrong. As far as he was concerned he didn’t have anything to apologise for. Maybe he hadn’t gone about it the right way, hadn’t explained himself properly. He knew that he wasn’t wrong though, but the worst part was that maybe Simon wasn’t wrong either. Maybe they weren’t even talking about the same things. It was such a mess in his head. The music wasn’t helping and Nathan needed another distraction.

His phone was buzzing against his leg. He didn’t want to answer, but he was interested in seeing who the hell would be calling him. Nathan shuffled down the bench slightly and pulled the phone out of his pocket. The name on the screen gave him pause, why the hell would Alisha be calling him?

“Hello,” Nathan answered. “I suppose someone’s trying to kill you?” He added because he honestly couldn’t think of any other reason for her to call.

“Do you want a drink?” Alisha asked, ignoring Nathan’s question.

“It’s two o’clock,” Nathan said, not that it really mattered to him, she’d just thrown him off.

“You’ve heard the saying ‘it’s always five o’clock somewhere’ right?” Alisha said exasperated.

The alcohol would probably help with the come down, it’d stop the shakes and cool his mild paranoia.

“Alright,” Nathan said.

 

* * *

 

The bar was a dive and mostly full of old men staring sadly into almost empty pints, pretending to read the newspaper. Alisha looked as bad as Nathan felt. She was sat opposite him, fingers wrapped around a gin and tonic, body tightly coiled.

“So, we’ve both had rough Saturdays,” Nathan said, leading her into the conversation.

“Yeah,” Alisha murmured and took a sip of her drink.

“You wanna go first or should I?” Nathan asked, bottle of cider sweating on the table between them. Alisha shrugged and Nathan figured that was his cue to continue. “I think I might have ruined something, I don’t know, Simon always forgives me so I guess it’ll be fine,” he rambled because he didn’t quite want to admit to her what was going on between him and Simon, not that he knew what it was.

“He’ll forgive you,” Alisha promised. “He’s so gone for you that he’s goes all puppy eyes when he looks at you,” she continued as though it didn’t matter, as though it would be that easy to fix.

“I know, but at one point he’s going to stop forgiving me,” Nathan went on and took a sip of the cider. “Then I did some coke and had a full blown panic attack, I thought I was back in that coffin dying over and over again,” he added quickly.

“That’s horrifying,” Alisha said, gaping at him.

“Yeah,” Nathan replied, “your turn.”

“I just want to have sex,” Alisha said and took a large gulp of her drink. “It’s fucking awful, I can’t touch anyone, ever,” she added, putting her drink down a little too hard, making it clink against the table.

“That sucks,” Nathan said because he couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t understand where she was coming from.

“I can’t even like hit someone,” Alisha said, “what if we’re attacked or someone’s falling or I have to touch them to save their life?” She asked. Usually that kind of question might have seemed a little farfetched, but people were still coming out of the woodwork and causing all kinds of trouble.

“Is that the only reason why you’ve never hit me?” Nathan asked.

“I think Kelly has that handled,” Alisha returned.

“She does,” Nathan said thinking about Kelly hands of steel and Alisha laughed.

“I just want to be close to someone,” Alisha said and Nathan understood the hollow pain in her voice then.

The closest he’d ever been with anyone was with the community service lot and they weren’t that close. He didn’t know whether he wanted to get closer to them or not. How much of him was he willing to let them see, he didn’t know. How close did he want to get to Simon? Closer sure, but not too close, whatever that meant. He couldn’t imagine not being able to get physically close to Simon.

 “I’m sorry,” Nathan said and he meant it.

“Me too,” Alisha replied, smiling softly at him.

They drank and gossiped through to the late afternoon.

 

* * *

 

Simon stuck close by him, scraping more posters off of columns. Nathan didn’t quite get it. He wasn’t going to apologise and he didn’t think that Simon was either. It was crossed wires. Something fundamental about each of them that would never mix well. Nathan didn’t move away though. Maybe this was something like an apology or as close as they would get to one on the matter.

Nathan followed Simon outside at lunch. He sat opposite Simon on the bench and let Simon eat in peace and Simon let him smoke.

“I guess it’s an in between thing,” Simon said, words spoken softly as he held his sandwich in his hands.

“What?” Nathan asked because he needed Simon to come right out with it.  

“Us, we’re something in between one thing and another,” Simon explained.

“An in between thing?” Nathan said incredulously, brows raised as he puffed on his cigarette.

“Well, it’s not nothing but you’re not comfortable saying that it’s something else,” Simon replied, he wasn’t looking at Nathan.

“Because it’s not anything else,” Nathan said, maybe a little too hard, but it was a sticking point with him. People weren’t allowed to put labels on him.

“Then it’s an in between thing,” Simon returned just as stubborn as Nathan.

“You found a way to label something that has no label, well done,” Nathan said, cigarette held between his lips as he clapped at Simon.

“It’s a compromise,” Simon said tersely.

Nathan didn’t want to argue about this, he preferred arguing about things that didn’t matter, and he knew that neither of them were going to change their minds. It was pointless.

“Alright,” Nathan conceded. He took another drag off his cigarette.

The look on Simon’s face said that he’d expected Nathan to fight him more than that.

“Do you wanna kiss, because we really haven’t made up until we’ve kissed,” Nathan said, smiling as he leant over the table, leaning toward Simon. If Simon wanted to kiss him it wouldn’t be too hard.

Simon rolled his eyes, “not right now,” he said and took a bite of his sandwich.

“Well, then we haven’t made up,” Nathan said, shrugging flippantly before he put the cigarette back into his mouth.

“That’s not how things work,” Simon said, face scrunched up as though he’d smelt something awful.

“If it wasn’t then why does the phrase go ‘kiss and make up’?” Nathan said pointing at Simon as though he’d caught him out.

“I’ll kiss you later,” Simon muttered, face adverted from the other, clearly just trying to get Nathan off of his back but it obviously wasn’t just that.

“You know, you could come with me later when I break back into the community centre,” Nathan said, low and coy as he watched Simon, he flicked ash onto the floor.

“I don’t know about that,” Simon said, still not looking at Nathan.

“Well, I’ll be here anyway,” Nathan said, leaning a little away from the bench, he aimed over Simon’s head and pitched the cigarette into the river.

 

* * *

 

Simon appeared beside him and Nathan nearly dropped the joint he was rolling.

“Jesus fucking Christ Barry,” Nathan hissed, “I nearly shat my heart out of my arse and worse I nearly dropped my hard earned weed,” he went on, holding the unfinished roll between his fingers.

Nathan’s veins were thrumming, he hadn’t actually expected Simon to show up.

“You’ve still got some of that money left?” Simon asked, watching as Nathan continued to roll the joint.

“Does it piss you off?” Nathan asked. In a way he wanted it to piss Simon off despite how irritating that would be. He wanted Simon to give a damn about everything he was doing.

“It makes me uncomfortable,” Simon admitted.

“Why, do you want us to be exclusive?” Nathan replied, wiggling his brows at Simon.

“I guess so,” Simon answered seriously, which really killed the entire vibe.

“I was joking Simon,” Nathan said. He couldn’t think about anyone else when he had Simon’s eyes on him, and it wasn’t like people were lining up to be with him anyway. Simon didn’t seem to have a reply so Nathan continued. “Let’s go inside then,” he added, licking the paper and closing the roll. He tucked it into his pocket and made his way toward the community centre.

The place was ridiculously easy to break into, he and Simon got inside without any trouble and made their way to the mezzanine. Back to the first place where he’d tried to jump Simon when he was under the influence of the tattoo. Nathan thought about passing Simon one of the beers he still had, lukewarm in the corner under some chairs, but he didn’t know how that would go.

“You want something to drink and by drink I mean a room temperature can of beer,” Nathan asked, standing awkwardly in the middle of what he called his bedroom.

“Do you ever drink water?” Simon asked, that familiar concern bleeding in again.

“Drinking water requires going down the stairs and that’s dangerous when you’re drunk. You have no idea how many bones I’d brake,” Nathan explained, hips jutting out to the side as he gesticulated.

“I’ll have a beer,” Simon said, probably realising that this conversation was pointless. He wasn’t going to get Nathan to drink more water.

They sat the same way they’d sat before, facing out across the room with their arms and legs through the railing. Nathan passed Simon a beer as he sat down. At least George Michael wasn’t playing in the background, he didn’t need sweet saxophone licks to seduce Simon now. They both cracked open their beers and took a sip.

“I’ve always wondered,” Simon began, eyes tearing at the star tattoo on Nathan’s wrist.

“What?” Nathan asked already knowing what was going through Simon’s mind. It had probably had been going through his mind since the first time he’d seen it.

“Isn’t that a porn tattoo?” Simon asked as though he didn’t know.

“Is it?”

It was the same game of chicken they were always playing. Nathan could see the cogs working behind Simon’s eyes trying not to admit to something that Nathan would make fun of him for, which was quite frankly idiotic at this point since they’d been attacking each other’s mouths in Simon’s kitchen few days ago. They were past pretending they weren’t gay, at least when they were alone that was.

Nathan let Simon squirm. He wasn’t going to say anything if Simon wasn’t going to ask him outright.

“I’ve seen that tattoo in porn,” Simon said, he stared up at Nathan, held the other’s gaze unwaveringly.

“So?” Nathan asked and sipped his beer.

“Have you been in porn?” Simon said with great effort as a blush crawled over his face, turning him cheery red.

“Nah, I got it because I saw it in porn and I wanted everyone to always be a little unsure whether or not I’d been in porn, you know everyone loves a mystery,” Nathan said, laughing as he watched the relief shift over Simon’s face.

“But, everyone would think you’d been in gay porn,” Simon said, eyes squinted as he stared up at Nathan in confusion.

“Only the people who watch gay porn,” Nathan returned as though he were a genius.

“This is hurting my head,” Simon said and took another sip of his beer.

“I know, the logic is flawless,” Nathan smiled cockily. Then an idea came to his mind and Nathan couldn’t stop himself from saying it. “You know, we could make a porn video and then I would have earned the tattoo.”

“I don’t want to be in a porn video,” Simon replied instantly, clearly uncomfortable.

“I’m not talking about something you post online,” Nathan said, he got up and gulped down some beer, mouth curled seductively.

“Uhm,” Simon stammered, blinking up at Nathan, clearly unable to properly process the proposition that Nathan was making. He probably couldn’t believe his luck, Nathan thought.

“Maybe we could just practice without the cameras first,” Nathan murmured.

He draped himself across the thin mat like a lady who had fallen across her fainting couch after receiving shocking news.  Simon sat there, twisted around the railing, staring at Nathan. He looked like an awkward lamp shoved into the corner of the room, shifting around because of course he didn’t know what to do. Nathan leaned over and gripped the sleeve of Simon’s navy shirt.

“You’re supposed to climb me like a tree and ravage me,” he said, pulling Simon toward him.

Simon’s mouth seemed stuck together, he didn’t say anything, but he did as Nathan said. He set the can of beer down and straddled Nathan, knees either side of Nathan’s hips, he leant over Nathan and brought their lips together. Their mouths bumped together and their teeth clashed. It wasn’t a clean kiss, but he had never liked anything clean. He folded his hand over Simon’s jaw and pulled him closer by the pads of his fingers.

Simon shifted forward, knees sliding out from under him. He fell against Nathan. Their faces slammed together painfully, but that didn’t stop them. Simon was warm and heavy, a solid weight pressing down upon Nathan. He couldn’t help the canting of his hips. Simon gasped softly into his mouth, moving his hips in turn, chasing the friction.

“This is the dry humping I mentioned,” Nathan murmured, speaking against the side of Simon’s mouth as he began to trail kisses down to Simon’s neck.

“I know what dry humping is,” Simon stammered out. His eyes flickered as Nathan pressed his tongue hard against his pulse.

Nathan flipped them over, sliding his body against Simon’s. His erection was pressing hard against Nathan’s thigh, he guessed the other was happy to see him and smiled against the flesh of Simon’s neck. Nathan flicked open the top button of Simon’s shirt. He attached his mouth to the newly exposed skin. Tongue sliding over Simon’s collar bone as he continued to rock his body against him.

Simon quietly gasped beneath him. It was obvious that Simon didn’t really know what to do with his hands. They flitted over Nathan’s back, pulling at the fabric of his jacket. He moved down Simon’s body, hands swift against him, and his fingers made quick work of Simon’s belt. Then Simon froze.

“What?” Nathan asked, sickly sweet and tarnished with faux innocence as he slipped his hand under the waistband of Simon’s trousers and boxers. Simon didn’t answer and Nathan went on.

He mouthed at Simon’s neck. He could to tell that Simon was struggling to string a few words together as he wrapped his fingers around his straining erection. Simon’s eyes shuttered. Then his hands were suddenly fervent upon Nathan’s body. Fingers tangled into his hair and digging into the jut of his hip, holding him close.

Nathan had sucked dick before, it would come as a surprise to no one, but it wasn’t something he freely advertised. Still it was safe to say he knew his way around a dick and he was going to show Simon everything he knew. He pulled back far enough to undo the fly off Simon’s trousers and pull his dick free from its confines.

He took a firm grip of Simon’s dick and guided it into his mouth, hollowing out his cheeks as he went down. Nathan would have loved to see what Simon looked like but the angle was all wrong. The hands in his hair and the huffed out stifled noises were a sure sign that Simon was affected though, and Nathan took that as his cue to go faster.

Not that there was any way that it could be a competition, but Nathan wanted to make it better than the one other blowjob he knew Simon had before. He was going to blow Simon’s mind. Shifting and whining, gasping beneath him. It was a pure power trip and Nathan could have come from the feeling of that alone.

It wasn’t long before Simon went rigid, muscles going taught as he held Nathan close, coming straight down Nathan’s throat. He took it like a champ and the swallowed the whole thing. When Simon relaxed and let go of him, Nathan pulled slickly off of Simon’s cock.

He dropped onto the mat beside Simon, smiling smugly as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Simon’s hand came up to his shoulder and pushed him down. Nathan went with it. Someone else would have asked Simon if this was really what he wanted to do, but Nathan wasn’t one to pass up a blowjob if someone was offering.

Simon’s hands were shaking when they came to the fly of Nathan’s jeans. It was cute, but it was taking too long for Nathan’s liking. Nathan latched his mouth onto Simon’s and pulled down his jeans and underwear on his own. Without looking, without taking his mouth off of Simon’s, he took Simon’s hand and guided it to his erection. Simon’s touch was tentative at first but when he got a grip around it he really found his stride. Nathan sighed against the side of Simon’s mouth. He was definitely right about Simon wanking all the time, his touch was too practiced. Nathan brought his hand up to Simon’s neck and pressed down a little. Simon got the message and went down.

Simon’s mouth was clumsy around him, tongue pressed hard against his pulsing penis.

“You’re like bambi,” Nathan noted, voice slick with endearment, fingers sliding into Simon’s hair. Simon frowned up at him but continued on.

Nathan leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Sighing as he tugged softly at Simon’s hair. It wasn’t the best blowjob in the world, but a messy blowjob was still a blowjob even if there were teeth involved.

Simon was full of naïve intensity, a stumbling confidence that only got stronger the longer that Nathan held his gaze. He curled his toes inside his shoes and tried not to thrust his hips into Simon’s mouth.

“Simon, I-I’m gonna,” Nathan struggled out, pushing at Simon’s forehead.

Simon didn’t let up though and carried on moving his mouth over Nathan. It was sloppy and wet. Nathan’s thigh’s shook as he tried to hold back his orgasm. Fingers curled in Simon’s hair, a white knuckled grip. It wasn’t long before he couldn’t hold it back anymore and he was coming into Simon’s mouth, head thrown back as he groaned.

Nathan only caught the tail end of Simon’s wet eyed swallowing.

“That’s disgusting,” Simon said, sneering as he stared up at Nathan.

“Yeah it’s not exactly milkshake,” Nathan said as he tucked himself back into his underwear.

“How do you just swallow it?” Simon asked, swallowing again for good measure.

“Practice,” Nathan shrugged, he reached over to Simon, with his fingers beneath Simon’s chin and pulled Simon into something of an apology kiss. They sat on the mat, knees together as they leant on each other.

“You’ve been with a lot of guys,” Simon said but he was really asking. He picked up his unfinished beer.

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” Nathan said, these kinds of conversations were never good no matter what the answer was or why the person was asking. “What are you really asking?”

“I don’t know, I just feel like I’m out of my depth,” Simon said and shrugged.

“You are,” Nathan replied, it was obvious. He had so much more sexual experience than Simon did, he knew his way around a body, better than he’d admit because straight men weren’t supposed to know all of that.  

“So I want to balance things out between us,” Simon said, he didn’t have the nerve to look at Nathan while he said it.

Nathan understood it and being honest about exactly how much more experience he had wasn’t a hard thing to admit. 

“Okay, I’ve slept with a lot of people, probably less than you think but more than you’d hope. I don’t remember every time I’ve ever done something,” Nathan said plainly.

“How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Simon asked.

Nathan usually knew how to answer this question, he’d had a stock answer lined up in his mind for years, but right then at that moment Nathan’s mind went blank. He couldn’t just tell Simon the same stupid thing he threw out at everyone else because Simon would worry about what it really meant.

“I don’t know,” Nathan said after too long of a wait. His voice sounded strange, it was monotone and stilted.

“I thought that you’d have this elaborate story about how you lost it to a really hot teacher that was in love with you like in that Busted song,” Simon said, staring at Nathan.

“Would you believe that?” Nathan asked, blinking into the darkness of the room below them.

“Probably not, at least not entirely,” Simon said.

Nathan leant his head back and downed the rest of his drink. His hands were shaking. He could barely hear anything over the sound of blood rushing through his veins or arteries or whatever.

“Why don’t you remember?” Simon asked.

Nathan snapped, standing suddenly.

“Why the fuck does it matter if I remember it or not?” Nathan yelled and it echoed through the room. “I know virginity is super important to your frigid vagina but once it’s gone you realise it’s a fucking useless piece of nothing that has no meaning,” he went on, it wasn’t entirely true but he desperately needed this to stop.

“That’s not, that’s not how everyone sees it,” Simon replied, clambering to his feet, following Nathan. “It’s important to some people, a lot of people remember their first time, and I think that’s really common actually,” he continued, sticking to facts and logic when all Nathan wanted was for Simon to let him leave the conversation.

Nathan did remember.

“Just fuck off back to your wank hole,” he said harshly, he couldn’t come up with anything smart, he just wanted out.

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset,” Simon said staring wide eyed and confused at Nathan.

“I’m not upset,” Nathan replied reflexively.

“Why are you lying?” Simon asked.

“Why do you care?” Nathan spat, even though he already knew. “I’m a total slut and I’ve had STDs and I’ve fucked while out of my mind on drugs and alcohol and I’ve been paid for sex,” he reeled off veins thrumming as he tried to get away from this conversation. “I don’t see why any of it fucking matters?”

“It’s important because I care about you, you’re my friend, more than a friend,” Simon said. He was so earnest that it pained Nathan.

If he was going to get out of this, if there was a way not to say anything too close to the truth, then he’d have to hurt Simon.

Nathan opened his mouth but the words wouldn’t come out. Hurting Simon was dangerous. Alisha had been right, Simon always forgave him and would probably forgive him over this too, but he knew there was a point where that forgiveness would stop. Then the hole inside him would be wider than he could handle.

They were just standing there staring at each other waiting for something to happen. Nathan deflated.

“Can we stop talking about this?” He asked, like he should have from the start.

“I don’t know what we’re really talking about anymore,” Simon admitted and took another sip of his beer.

“Right, so we can stop talking about it then,” Nathan said, jerking them away from the topic.  

“I-I guess, I don’t want to just say I know what’s going on because I don’t,” Simon said, speaking softly around Nathan as though he were a spooked horse, “but I just thought you’d be proud of sex stuff like that,” he added with a shrug.

Nathan just shrugged back at Simon, he wanted to smoke a joint but he didn’t want the smoke alarm to go off. He didn’t want to storm outside just to smoke some weed and have Simon still watching him. Simon’s eyes were all over him.

“I am proud,” Nathan said. His mouth felt as though it were stuffed with honey and glue. The usual easy words wouldn’t come out, they’d be too close to the truth and he knew Simon would see it.

“Maybe I should go,” Simon said.

This wasn’t how Nathan saw the night ending, especially when he’d had his mouth wrapped around Simon’s cock not ten minutes ago. Really, he didn’t want Simon to leave, he didn’t want to be alone. But he didn’t have a way to keep Simon around without revealing too much.

“Okay,” Nathan said. He dropped down onto the mat and waited for Simon to leave.

Simon came over, set the beer down and crouched in front of Nathan. He kissed Nathan. It was something small, like a plaster patted over the chasm gapping inside him, but it was nice too. Then Simon left and Nathan woke up on his own again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thought of being stuck in a coffin waking up suffocating is horrifying and I needed to share that with y'all.  
> The song Nathan's listening to in the park is Celebrity Skin by Hole.  
> The Busted song Simon mentions is What I Go To School For which irked me as a child and still irritates the life out of me, but is definitely the kind of thing Nathan would make up.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, since I already accidentally posted this chapter earlier you guys can have it now too.  
> This chapter is Alisha and Nathan are gal pals the chapter, enjoy x

Was falling in love supposed to hurt, Nathan had thought not, but having someone else know him was terrifying. He couldn’t stand the concern that fell across people’s faces when they got a little under the surface of his skin. People’s concern had never done him any good. And he didn’t even really know whether he was falling in love or not anyway.

What Nathan wanted was all the high without the comedown, but he knew better than that.

He was stood outside in the early morning, smoking weed to calm his nerves, hating that anything could affect him so much. As he walked through the estate Nathan spied some graffiti, it was huge and professional, and pointed to a fairly nondescript door. All Nathan could think about was how long it would take to wash off.

Someone came through the door and Nathan tried not to look like a suspicious person smoking weed in the middle of the street at six in the morning. The guy made a b-line for Nathan and he instantly got the feeling that he was about to have his ass handed to him, he didn’t feel like dying that morning and the only thing he had on him was the joint in his mouth. He wasn’t worth jumping.

Thankfully, all the guy did was pass him a flyer and piss off. 

The logo was kind of lame, but at least it got the message across, they bought and sold powers. Nathan was already calling Alisha.

“You are not going to believe this,” Nathan said, smiling as he stared down at the flyer in his hand. He stared to make his way back to the community centre. “You’re going to be kissing my arse for the rest of eternity. I’m gonna warn you that this is the kind of news that will make you fall in love with me and I’m really not that into you so you better prepare yourself,” he went on excitedly.

“It better be fucking good,” Alisha groaned.

“It is,” Nathan assured, still smiling at the flyer.

 

* * *

 

Nathan met Alisha outside her flat, of course she wouldn’t let him in, he wasn’t offended but he did take it personally. Instead of saying hello he passed Alisha the flyer. She looked at it for a long time.

“You’re shitting me,” Alisha said, finally looking up at Nathan.

“I am not, usually I would be, but I’m not,” Nathan returned earnestly, hands stuffed into his pockets.

“Holy fuck,” Alisha muttered in a disbelieving whisper. She looked back at the flyer, blinked at it wide eyed. Nathan couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind. The look on her face might have been hopeful, but that seemed dangerous him.

“Yeah,” Nathan replied smiling.

“You’re coming with me,” Alisha said, looking up at him, she waved the flyer at him harshly.

“Of course I’ll come, but if they try any funny business I’m not exactly muscle,” Nathan said, pointing out the obvious, the best trick he had up his sleeve was dying. He’d never won a fight in his life.

“Just come for moral support you prick,” Alisha said sharply and folded the flyer, putting it in her bag. 

“We’re not going now are we?” Nathan asked with brows raised at her.

“No, after community service,” Alisha clarified like he was a moron.

“Alright, it’s a date then,” Nathan said and bumped his shoulder against hers.

Alisha rolled her eyes and started toward the community centre. The morning was thankfully warm and Nathan didn’t feel the need to light up again, he’d been smoking so much recently.

“So did Simon forgive you?” She asked, trying not to look as interested as she really was.

“Yeah, but then other things happened,” Nathan replied, smiling weakly at Alisha.

“You mean you ruined it again?” Alisha returned.

“Not as bad as usual though,” Nathan said, unsure but a little hopeful, knowing that she wouldn’t quite buy it. “He didn’t storm out so I think that’s some points in my corner,” he added, remembering that Simon had kissed him goodbye.

Alisha gave him a look then. It was something cutting and Nathan knew that she was asking him something with those eyes, something that he wasn’t ready to answer. He didn’t have an answer.

They continued on to the community centre and entered the locker room together. Curtis looked up from his locker and stared at them, brow arched suggestively, like he knew exactly what was going on.

“What?” Nathan asked just because he loved to rile Curtis up.

“Nothing,” Curtis returned dismissively and shoved some clothes into the locker.

“No what is it?” Alisha asked, because she loved to rile up Curtis too. The guy was just fun to mess with, but not in the same way that Simon was because Curtis liked to pretend that he was better than the rest of them.

“You two coming in together, just strange is all,” Curtis stated.

“You’re just jealous of our blossoming beautiful friendship,” Nathan said, he draped his arm over Alisha’s shoulder, careful not to touch her skin.

“Yeah, you two are great friends,” Curtis replied sarcastically and went back to his locker.

“Whatever,” Alisha muttered and ducked out of Nathan’s grasp.

Nathan went over to his locker and started to change. He could feel Simon’s eyes on him, could feel the concern coming off of him like bad body odour, and wasn’t that just a drag. Nathan knew that he needed to do something that’d make Simon forget all about how he’d acted the night before or whatever implications he was reading into the current situation.

 

* * *

 

The sun was still out and they were all sat on the roof. Nathan kind of wanted some alone time with Simon. They had maybe a few things to talk about, which mostly amounted to ‘I’m fine, Jesus Christ, please stop worrying’, before Kelly could over heard anything scandalous. She probably knew everything already.

“It’s been a while since anything weird’s happened,” Curtis pointed out, spread across the lawn chair.

It hadn’t been for Nathan, but he knew what Curtis meant.

“Don’t fucking jinx it, now we’ll have some prick with the power to possess people’s fingernails on our arses and we’ll have to kill another probation worker,” Nathan rambled, hands flying in the air.

“It’s just nice to not have to worry about which freak’s going to cause trouble next,” Curtis said and shrugged.

“You know I wasn’t, but now I am,” Nathan replied, smiling sharply at Curtis, as though the other had pissed all over his good mood.  

“I’ve been worrying about it, people always say that things get quiet before everything gets fucking crazy again,” Kelly said, chomping on a packet of crisps. “There’s got to be more weirdos out there with all kinds of powers,” she added.

“It makes sense,” Simon said.

“So now I have to be paranoid about it? I think I’ll just choose not to think about it thanks,” Alisha said and started to blow smoke rings into the air.

“Yeah, I’m seconding that, not thinking about it is way better,” Nathan said.

“I just hope that we don’t have to kill anyone, I’m sick of dead bodies,” Kelly muttered, her hand was loudly rustling in the crisp packet.

They were all sick of dead bodies.

 

* * *

 

Alisha was obviously stalling, hoping that everyone would leave without mentioning how she was waiting around. Kelly and Curtis left, Curtis was on his phone smiling as he left and Kelly probably knew exactly what was going on so she didn’t have to wonder or ask.

Simon had to ask though.

“What’s going on?”

“None of your business,” Alisha said, leant against her locker and eyeing Simon as though he were an annoying ant.

“Don’t worry about it Barry, we’re not waiting around for the boy scouts to come in, we know that’s your territory,” Nathan said, he threw an arm around Simon’s shoulders and patted him roughly.

“Are you calling me paedophile again?” Simon asked, face scrunched up in confusion as he looked between Nathan and Alisha.

“I don’t know, am I?” Nathan returned silently begging Simon to just leave, he’d explain it later, hopefully with his tongue instead of his words.

“I’m going home,” Simon said, awkwardly shuffling out of the room.

“He’s so in love with you,” Alisha said, smirking as she stared at Nathan.

“I have the magnetic charm of a panther, he can’t resist,” Nathan said, gesturing seductively to his body.

“Sure you do,” Alisha said and popped a chewing gum into her mouth.

They didn’t say anything as walked through the estate. Nathan had his hands in pockets and idly wondered what Simon might think was going on, what he might imagine. There was no way he could think that they were doing anything romantic right? That’d be stupid because they’d had each other’s dicks in their mouths the night before.

They stood anxiously in front of the door. Now that they were standing in front of it, it was kind of ominous.

“So, are we going in?” Nathan asked, looking over at Alisha.

“Just give me second,” Alisha muttered.

Nathan watched as she breathed rhythmically, obviously trying to calm herself down, prepare herself for whatever was behind that door. Suddenly she pushed through the door. Nathan supposed she was ready, and followed her through. The corridor was dark and it looked very much like they were walking into a killing room. Then they got to the end where there was another door seemingly guarded by a guy in jeans and a tracksuit jacket, he opened the door for them.

Through the door was a man sitting behind a desk with a wall of either filling cabinets or mortician trays behind him. The lighting was severe and dramatic. The guy looked almost exactly like Al Pacino in Scarface, a ridiculous caricature of a drug dealer. His collar was popped over the lapels of his steel gray blazer.

“Hi, I’m Seth,” he said. “What can I do for you?” He was speaking like a car salesman.

“You can take powers right?” Alisha asked, cutting straight to the point.

“Yeah,” Seth replied. His voice was even and calm, it was clear that he had a lot of experience dealing with people’s shit.

“So, take it away,” Alisha said, she didn’t seem to know what to do with her body and stuck her hand out toward him.

“What’s your power?” Seth asked.  

“When I touch someone they want to fuck me,” Alisha muttered, sneering as she said it.

“Okay,” Seth said as though it didn’t faze him and Nathan supposed it didn’t. “How much do you want for it?”

“I don’t want anything, just take it away,” Alisha said almost pleadingly.

“Hang on a second now,” Nathan jumped in, “he’s offering you money, how much money Seth?”

“She’s the one I’m dealing with here, I’m not talking to you,” Seth said flatly.

“How rude,” Nathan said, mock scandalised.

“Shut up Nathan,” Alisha hissed. “I don’t want any money,” she reiterated.

“Alright, let’s get on with it then,” Seth said and gestured to the seat in front of him.

Alisha spared Nathan an anxious look before she sat down across from Seth. Nathan got closer and stood behind Alisha. He watched as Seth held out his hand for hers, Alisha was obviously apprehensive.

“It’ll be fine, I promise,” Seth assured her.

Slowly, Alisha reached over and took Seth’s hand. White blinding light shone out from between their hands, it bled into the room and took over Nathan’s sight. When the light disappeared Nathan had to blink several times until he could see properly again.

“Is that it?” Alisha said, staring at their hands as Seth withdrew.

“Yep,” he said.

Alisha spun around in the chair and grabbed Nathan’s hand. Nothing happened. She smiled, it was the happiest he’d ever seen her. He couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind or what she was feeling at that moment. She was so happy that Nathan couldn’t comprehend it.

“Yeah, I don’t exactly feel like shagging ya so I guess it really is gone,” Nathan said, smiling back at her.

She turned back to Seth, “thank you,” she said wetly.

“No problem,” he returned and they left.

As soon as they were back outside, Alisha wrapped her arms around Nathan and squeezed him tightly.

“Thank you,” she murmured against his chest.

Nathan didn’t know what to do, people didn’t ever thank him, he didn’t usually do anything to be thanked for. He almost wanted to cry, it was a strange and strong feeling. The power of someone’s gratitude, it was something that rocked straight through him and he wanted dwell in it because who knew when it was going to happen again.

He hugged her back.

“It’s alright,” Nathan said into the tight curls of her hair, “let’s get a drink.”

“Sure,” she said and stood away from him.

It was easy to tell that Alisha was in a good mood as they walked back through the estate. She kept touching Nathan and laughing, as though she couldn’t believe that she could touch him. Suddenly she went sombre and looked at Nathan. He didn’t know what she was going to say, but he knew it would be something he probably didn’t want to talk about, even if Alisha was trying to return his favour.

“Is your brother buried or whatever?” Alisha asked, she was trying to be nice but not with her words.

“Nah, he got cremated, his mum has him,” Nathan said, shaking his head as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“So you can’t visit?” Alisha asked, she looked up at him.

“I doubt she’d enjoy me turning up on her suddenly, she probably thinks that it’s my fault he’s dead,” Nathan said, leaving out that he thought it was his fault.

“That sucks,” she said and patted him on the shoulder just because she could.

“Yeah,” Nathan replied. It did suck but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

“Are you dealing with it okay?” Alisha asked.

“Look I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I can handle myself,” Nathan said, spinning on his heels to face her as he continued down the street.

“Okay,” Alisha said because she knew when to drop something.

She slipped her arm through the loop of his elbow as Nathan put his hands in his pockets again. They continued toward the dive on the estate like that. It’d been a long time since Nathan had really had a friend, someone he did things for and who did things for him, it was nice and he tried not to ruin it by speaking too much bullshit.

Alisha brought him a drink, a rum and coke, because she was feeling generous and Nathan would never turn down someone’s generosity, especially when it came in the form of alcohol. They sat opposite each other just like the last time.

“So, what’s going on between you and Simon?” Alisha asked, sipping on her glass of rose, she certainly knew how to bring up things that Nathan didn’t want to talk about.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Nathan returned, coyly.

“You did me a big favour today, so I’ll give you relationship advice if you want,” Alisha said and leaned a little further over the table.

“I don’t need relationship advice,” Nathan said.

“You don’t?” Alisha scoffed.

“We’ve shared more than just saliva so your advice isn’t necessary,” Nathan smirked and took a gulp of his rum and coke, winking at her as he swallowed.  

“Really?” Alisha asked, eyes alight with intrigue.

“He’d be horrified if he knew I’d told you that,” Nathan said. Simon would probably feel a little betrayed or something, he’d definitely be mad about it, but Nathan didn’t particularly care about at the moment.

“You know, he asked me out when that girl gave him a blowjob when she was pretending to be me,” Alisha said, chuckling as she spoke.

“He asked you out?” Nathan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What did he say?”

Alisha laughed. “He asked me if I liked food,” she said.

“God, he’s such a weirdo,” Nathan laughed, it was cute in a way, Simon’s fumbling naivety.

“A weirdo you’ve kissed,” Alisha said and took a sip of her drink. “Are you two boyfriends now?”

“No way,” Nathan said, scrunching up his face as he stared over at her. “It’s just a thing,” he added, shrugging.

“Just a thing?” Alisha asked brows raised as she stared at Nathan.

“Just a thing,” Nathan repeated, smiling back at her. They didn’t talk about it again.

 

* * *

 

The next day Alisha came into the locker room, went straight up to Kelly and hugged her. She put hands on Kelly’s face and smiled as she stepped away.

“Oh my god,” Kelly exclaimed, “what happened?” she asked staring wide eyed at Alisha.

“There’s a guy on the estate that can take powers, he took mine,” Alisha gushed, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“He offered her money and she turned it down the silly bitch,” Nathan said as he opened his locker and slid his jacket off.

“You went with her?” Simon asked, as though the puzzle pieces were clicking into place.

“I am the perfect emotional support puppy,” Nathan said now shirtless as he turned back to smile at Simon, who looked away instantly.

“You can get paid to give your power away?” Kelly asked, she seemed to be thinking about it. Her power was useful, but Nathan was sure that it could be a pain in the arse to hear people’s thoughts all the time.

“And you didn’t want to give yours away?” Curtis said to Nathan.

“Uh, I’m immortal,” Nathan said because he loved saying that, “it’s priceless.”

Dying wasn’t fun, sure, but dying permanently seemed worse. If he wasn’t immortal he would have died a month ago. He never would have met his brother, he never would have fallen in love with Simon, even though it wasn’t real it was still important, he wouldn’t have kissed Simon, he wouldn’t blown Simon and been blown by Simon, he wouldn’t have gotten closer to Alisha. He’d just be dead.

Sure he was poor, penniless and homeless, but he didn’t see how suddenly coming into a lot of money would help him. Even if it did help him it wasn’t worth dying for.

“I wouldn’t sell mine,” Simon said.  

“Yeah, rewinding time’s been pretty useful,” Curtis said, “money would be nice, but we’d all be dead if I didn’t have this power,” he added and closed his locker.

“Yeah, my power was super shit, it’s not even worth any money,” Alisha said as she zipped up her jumpsuit. “Now I can get on with my fucking life.”

Simon looked a little worried as they continued to speak happily amongst each other, but he didn’t say anything.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains references to sexual assault and explicit sexual content.

Nathan had a hundred pounds left and he wanted to spend it right by getting at least a little wasted, maybe later he’d harass Simon in the toilet or an alleyway or something, he wasn’t picky. It was Saturday night and the bar on the estate was practically heaving. They were doing a buy one get one free on cocktails, Kelly said that they’d ordered too much vodka and needed to get rid of it. She’d obviously overheard the bartender’s thoughts. Thankfully they were able to climb into a booth just as another group of people were leaving. Nathan slid into the corner and told Simon his order. Simon rolled his eyes.

“I’ll get the first round,” Simon said, as he turned to the rest of the group.

Alisha kept pawing at Kelly and Nikki, revelling in the freedom to touch someone. It was nice. Nathan didn’t even mind when he’d said something a little too on the offensive side and Kelly had let Alisha smack him for her.

Eventually he needed to take a leak. Awkwardly, he shuffled out of the booth, not so subtly groping Simon as he went. Then he slipped into the crowd. A guy brushed past him and the next Nathan knew Simon’s arms were around him, pulling him out of the heaving bar.

“What’s going on, why’d you go all commando on me?” Nathan asked bewildered as he stared back at Simon. Simon’s hands were still gripped around Nathan’s upper arms.

“A guy in there has Alisha’s power,” Simon said and the world fell out from beneath Nathan’s feet.

“And he used it on me?” Nathan asked despondently.

“He tried to take you to the bathroom,” Simon said, he couldn’t seem to catch his breath, obviously some level of panicked.

“Well aren’t you just my saviour,” Nathan returned, leaning into Simon’s touch.

Nathan tried not to think about how someone had just tried to rape him.

“Where’s everyone else?” He asked because he knew Simon wasn’t in the mood to kiss him better.

“I don’t know, inside still I suppose,” Simon said and something dawned on him as he spoke. “We have to stop him,” he said sharply, staring hard up at Nathan.

“Okay,” Nathan said. There was no way that he could say no to stopping a rapist, especially when Simon got to play the hero he wanted to be, the hero he suggested that they all had the responsibility to be.

Simon hands hadn’t left him and Simon dragged him back into the bar by the wrist, he wasn’t going to let go, the strength of his hold said as much. They moved through the people. Nathan couldn’t help but notice how everyone was touching him, how closely packed everyone was, how easy it would be to use that power in a place like this.

“Someone’s got your power,” Simon said to Alisha as they approached the booth, raising his voice over the sound of the music and all the other conversations going on in the room. He pushed Nathan into the booth before him.

“What?” Alisha exclaimed. Her eyes went wide and her mouth gaped, she was clearly as horrified as did everyone else, even Nikki.

“Are you sure?” Curtis asked, staring hard at Simon.

“They tried to use it on Nathan,” Simon said sharply as he gestured toward Nathan, clearly desperate get everyone to move into action.

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know what happened,” Nathan said, someone had tried to rape him, he was still not quite processing it.

“We need to find him,” Simon said firmly.

“What does he look like? What’s he wearing?” Nikki asked, she looked ready for a fight.

“Wait, wait, how are we going to get him and stop him from using the power?” Nathan asked, holding his hands up, uncharacteristically playing the voice of reason.

“Does it matter?” Kelly barked. “We’ll just find him and twat him,” she added and started to climb out of the booth. She grabbed her jacket, put it on and rolled the sleeves down over her hands.  

Nathan’s head was spinning, he wanted to slip under the table and fall into a k-hole for the rest of the night, he didn’t want to deal with this.

“What does he look like?” Kelly asked again.

“He’s wearing a leather jacket with a rip in it and he’s got brown hair,” Simon said, reeling off a description of someone that Nathan didn’t think he’d seen.

“Alright, let’s get the prick,” Curtis said and moved away from the booth.

Everyone slipped into the crowd, they stuck close together. Simon grasped for him but Nathan stayed out of reach. He slipped outside, moving through the crowd and hiding himself from the others, they wouldn’t need him to beat the shit out of some scumbag anyway. The cold air hit him and Nathan tried to breathe.

A hand closed around his wrist and the world snapped away.

Nathan came back to himself and was instantly splattered in blood. It rained over his face and down the front of his shirt, he could only blink as the body before him slumped to the floor.

Nothing had happened. His clothes were on and his body felt undisturbed. Still Nathan felt violated.

What had apparently happened, according to Nathan as he reverse engineered the scene before him and what Kelly had told him about it later, Nikki teleported to where Nathan was and her arm materialised where the douche’s head had been. The guy’s melon had exploded, painting the pair of them in blood.

Of all the things that had happened to them, someone’s head exploding in front of him was pretty close to the top of all the horrifying things he’d seen.  

The sound of rapid footsteps came around the corner and the rest of the group appeared in the alleyway.

 

* * *

 

They were burying another body and Nathan was struggling to stay inside his own. It was pretty hard not to think about it as he was shovelling dirt over the headless corpse of a man that had tried to rape him.

On the drive over, Curtis had spilled the beans on all of their previous murders and accidental deaths to Nikki as she sat staring wild eyed at her viscera covered arm. While they were all digging, Alisha had brought out a bottle of water and poured it over Nikki’s arm. Washing away the blood.

Simon was hovering close to him. And no one was saying anything.

If someone had cracked a joke maybe Nathan could have stayed inside his body, but he felt as though he were just outside of himself, like he was watching a film. It was difficult to move like that. It felt like moving in a dream, like running under water.

“This better be the last time we have to deal with a dead body,” Curtis muttered as they began to pat the dirt down with their shovels.

“Yeah, I’m sick of this shit,” Alisha groaned.

They stuffed the shovels into the boot of the car, Nathan flinched at the sound of it being slammed closed and nobody seemed to notice. He stood there, standing eight or so feet away from a corpse, staring at the break light. Simon guided him into the car.

“That prick sold my power, I can’t believe he sold it,” Alisha said, slamming her palms against the dashboard.

This was all Nathan’s fault. Who knew what that guy had done before he’d gotten to Nathan? Whatever it was it was Nathan’s fault. It seemed like only seconds had passed, it seemed as though the car had just started when it was being pulled into park. They climbed out of the car and looked at each other.

“I guess I’ll see you guys on Monday,” Curtis said, he had his arm around Nikki.

“Look after yourself yeah?” Kelly said and Nikki nodded meekly.

“See ya,” Alisha said as Curtis and Nikki left, disappearing down the street.

The rest of them looked at each other for a moment before going their separate ways. 

It was late at night and Nathan had nowhere to go. He started to walk toward the community centre because he had nothing better to do, nowhere else to go. If his hands weren’t shaking so hard he would have lit a cigarette. Instead he stuffed them into his pockets.

“Nathan,” Simon called, following behind him.

“Yeah?” Nathan spun on his heel toward the other.

They stopped and stared at each other. Those flat eyes were staring into his soul and Nathan knew that Simon didn’t see a damn thing. They were both too freaked out to see anything.

“I have enough money for a hotel,” Simon said finally.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Nathan smirked, sliding back into himself. Teasing Simon was his comfort zone.

“Do you want to sleep in the community centre alone tonight?” Simon asked.

“Nope, I fucking don’t, funnily enough,” Nathan said shaking his head, he approached Simon and stood beside the other. “Let’s get going then,” he said, smiling down at Simon.

 

* * *

 

Chain hotels weren’t as horrific as movies would have you believe, but England wasn’t as big as America, it didn’t need motels, which kept the disgustingness of these sorts of things away. B&B’s were an entirely different thing that Nathan had no experience with but was convinced were all just like staying at someone’s gran’s house.

Simon had completely taken over, all business, in his serial killer element. Nathan zoned out as he watched Simon talk with the receptionist. Then he was being manhandled into an elevator, Simon’s hand was around his elbow. It stayed there all the way up to the fourth floor and into the room. The room had two single beds and Nathan was disappointed, not that he’d really expected Simon to ask for a one bed room.

Nathan was still shaking. Images were shuttering over his eyes and he needed to make it stop.

“If we’re gonna do anything we might as well just fuck,” Nathan said as he turned toward Simon, smiling at the other.

“What?” Simon asked, dumbstruck.

“Get it out of the way,” Nathan said, waving his arm out flippantly.

“Get it out of the way?” Simon repeated incredulously, frowning as he stared at Nathan.

“Well, it’s going to happen eventually,” Nathan shrugged.

“It is?” Simon replied, smiling as he stared back at Nathan.

“Don’t tell me you don’t know how to do it,” Nathan smirked, fingers itching for a cigarette.

“We’re not doing that,” Simon shook his head as he emptied his pockets on to the bedside table.

“Because you’re a virgin?” Nathan asked, smiling wickedly at Simon.

“That and I don’t know why you want to do it,” Simon said, he sat on the bed and pulled his shoes off.

“Because it’s fun and it feels good,” Nathan said leaning over Simon, as though that should have been obvious.

“We should just go to sleep,” Simon said as he set his shoes down on the floor side by side.

“You can’t take me to a hotel and not fuck me,” Nathan whined, pointing out the cliché Simon had walked into.

“You said you weren’t a sex worker,” Simon replied. He smirked slightly as he looked up at Nathan.

“Oh, wow, what a shot Barry,” Nathan said. He dramatically held his hands against his chest as he fell backward onto the other bed.

“I’m not having sex with you,” Simon said firmly, trying for finality with Nathan who was the sort of person who needed to get the last word either literally or figuratively, he wasn’t picky.

“Not ever?” Nathan asked. He’d rolled over onto his stomach, staring at Simon with his chin in his hands.

“Don’t do that,” Simon muttered. His face scrunched up as though he’d just smelt something awful.

Nathan sighed and began to strip. He started with his shoes, he kicked them off at the end of the bed and yanked his socks off. Leaving them where they fell. Then he threw off his jacket, he aimed off of the bed but it caught the edge and stayed there. When his hands moved to the fly of his jeans Simon started to take notice. Nathan didn’t look at him, it was a show but he pretended that it wasn’t.

He pulled the fly down like he usually would and pushed his jean down his legs to the ankles, then he pulled them off over his feet and let them fall wherever. Nathan wasn’t entirely sure when Simon finally got what he was doing but it was probably when he took his shirt off. He pitched it far off the bed and it landed across the chair in the corner.

Then the show really started. Nathan lied back, with his head against the pillow and he slipped his thumbs under the waist band of his underwear. He could feel Simon’s eyes burning holes into his skin. Without hesitation, Nathan slipped out of his underwear and his heart was beating so fast that he had no idea what he did with them, they weren’t on the bed anyway.

Simon’s breathing was audible, Nathan could hear it from where he was lying, blinking up at the blank ceiling. If Simon didn’t come over then Nathan was going to have to start touching himself. Start the sex show. He didn’t have to touch himself though, which kind of disappointed Nathan, because the mattress dipped beneath Simon’s weight.

The light was too bright and washed what little colour there was out of Simon’s skin. He was almost translucent.  Nathan met him half way, sitting up to capture Simon’s lips as they came together. Knelt on the bed, they held each other, fingers dipping into each other’s skin.

His hands were still shaking as he tried to unbutton Simon’s shirt. Simon’s hands curled over Nathan’s, stopping him. He didn’t stop kissing Simon, he couldn’t because if he stopped then he’d have to start thinking, he couldn’t keep thinking. Simon unbuttoned his own shirt. Slowly revealing alabaster skin, Nathan’s hands chased the opening that Simon was making, exploring uncharted territory. He helped Simon slip his shirt off, hands pushed over the other’s shoulders.

Nathan pulled away for a moment, hands doing what his mouth wasn’t as his eyes roved over Simon’s bare torso. Simon was more built than Nathan had expected, he wasn’t muscular by any stretch of the word, but the slight definition was tantalizing.

Then Simon reached for his belt. Nathan had seen Simon’s dick before, but seeing someone naked was an entirely different thing. It was a vulnerability, the price Nathan paid to not feel and not think, not that being naked had ever truly bothered Nathan. Simon climbed off the bed and stood as he undid the belt and pulled it through the loops. It was overkill to completely pull the belt free, but Simon could be dramatic in his own way.

Nathan watched as Simon pushed his trousers and underwear down together, stepped out of them and pulled his socks off. Then Simon was completely naked. It wasn’t a bad sight, not at all. Nathan’s erection stood free from his lap, begging to be touched.

Simon came back over to the bed, his hand smoothed down the side of his thigh and Nathan’s erection throbbed. The curve of Simon’s forehead slotted perfectly into the crook of his neck. They were feeling and stealing each other’s warmth. Simon’s hand moved to the inside of Nathan’s thigh and he shook as Simon took a hold of him and Nathan’s mind flooded with thoughts. The opposite of what he wanted.

Of course he was doing this to forget, to stop thinking. He was terrified of loving someone and not being loved back. He still couldn’t really admit to himself that his mother didn’t quite love him, at least not in the way he loved her. But he knew that his father’s love was thin and easy to snap. Kelly had said that she loved him, Nathan didn’t exactly believe that despite knowing where it came from and what had motivated her to say that. He didn’t think that he loved Simon, but he knew he had the capacity to, he’d been forced to see it.

He gripped Simon and pulled the other as close to him as possible, knees folding onto the bed again.

“What do you want from me, I don’t understand,” Simon murmured, breathing those words against the side of Nathan’s mouth.

“Love me,” the words broke out of Nathan’s mouth.

“What?” Simon said looking all terrified like a deer caught in headlights.

“Love me. I need you to love me,” Nathan pleaded, staring hard at Simon. Even if Simon didn’t love him, he just needed him to act like it for the next five to ten minutes.

“I-I don’t know if I-,” Simon broke off, voice smothered by Nathan’s mouth, silencing his stuttered concern.

“Don’t look away,” Nathan murmured against Simon’s lips. He licked his palm and reached down between them, captured both their cocks in the long fingers of his hand.

Simon kept a promise he hadn’t made and watched Nathan, gasping and groaning as Nathan’s hand moved between them. Mouths pressed together, it was harsh like waves on rocks. Nathan shook at the sensation of his dick pressed against Simon’s. The sensation pulsed through him, washing away the thoughts and feelings he didn’t want, the blinding wash of pleasure and building euphoria was everything that Nathan needed.

The feeling of Simon’s hands gripping him, tangling in his hair, fingers digging into his waist, it was obliterating. He tilted his head down between them and spat. Simon was clearly uncomfortable with that, but he didn’t say anything about it.

Neither of them lasted very long, breathing hard against each other, ejaculating upon each other’s skin. Stuttered and stifled groans as they tried to breathe. Simon’s head lulled against Nathan’s shoulder, breathing hot along Nathan’s collarbone.

There was a box of tissues on the nightstand, the hotel certainly knew what it was doing, and he reached over and pulled out a handful of tissues as Simon shook like a leaf in the breeze against him. He cleaned them up quickly. He didn’t want to give Simon the opportunity to say a damn thing.

Nathan felt boneless. He didn’t want to lose the floating weightless feeling that would carry him into untroubled sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

The morning was stark and the reality of the night before hit Nathan like a solid ton of bricks.

Simon was folded over him, warm and heavy, a reminder of the intimacy he usually ran from. He was already trying to figure out a way to get out from under Simon without waking him up. He knew that Simon would want to talk about what he’d said and he definitely 100% did not want to do that. There were a whole slew of questions that Nathan didn’t want to be asked. Those questions just happened to be the same sort of things that Simon would ask, because he existed to torture Nathan.

It shouldn’t be so hard to slip away, he’d done it a thousand times before.

Nathan lifted Simon’s arm from where it was laid across his chest and slowly shuffled out from under the other. When he was clear off of the bed, Nathan gently placed Simon’s arm back down on the mattress. Simon looked so relaxed and peaceful, the complete opposite of his waking visage. Nathan tried not to dwell on it and gathered his clothes as quietly as he could.

Clearly he’d fucked up. His feelings for Simon were complicated and maybe this shouldn’t have happened at all. Nathan didn’t know what he wanted and Simon probably knew exactly what he wanted and it was probably something that Nathan could never be.

The things he’d said, he reeled from the horror of it.

He’d begged Simon to love him just to run the thoughts out of his mind. Nathan had the sense of mind to feel a little sick with himself as he left Simon alone and naked in a hotel room. His skin itched as he walked through and out of the hotel, it felt as though people could see what he’d done written all over his skin.

Nathan was used to using people. He’d used them to forget, to make himself feel better, to make the pain go away, just because he could. But he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t drag Simon into the wild mess that was his sex/love life, not when he actually liked Simon.

The streets were sparsely littered with people as was the usual for a Sunday morning. Nathan smoked all the way to the community centre, spilling smoke into the smoke coloured sky. It lowered the panic but only a little.

He couldn’t use Simon to patch over everything that was wrong with him, everything that was bothering him. It didn’t matter that it was wrong, what mattered was that it made him feel like shit. One night stands were different, fucking people he didn’t know was different to messing Simon around just to soothe his aches and pains.

His eyes itched and his skin burned. He was pretty sure that there was blood on his clothes and he definitely needed a shower, he smelt rotten, but maybe that was just the guilt finally hitting his stomach.

 

* * *

 

“Well that was a shitty weekend,” Alisha muttered as she zipped up her jumpsuit.

“My Sunday was alright,” Kelly said with a shrug, just barely smiling as she looked at Alisha. “How’s Nikki?” She asked, turning to Curtis, all traces of a smile gone.

“She’s handling it okay,” Curtis said, “you know as best as can be expected,” he added, mutedly. “What about you?” Curtis asked looking directly at Nathan, as though he was going to change the mood and help everyone stop thinking about how they’d killed and buried another person.

“I don’t know man, I spent yesterday just being homeless and poor, I don’t have any funny stories for ya, I could make one up if you want though,” Nathan said, the weekend had taken a huge toll on him and he wasn’t exactly prepared to regale everyone with the fantastical tales of his escapades that didn’t happen.

“You didn’t spend the rest of the weekend blazed out of your mind doing whatever weird shit it is that you do?” Curtis asked again, he was apparently unable to believe that Nathan could have a quiet weekend.

“I don’t know what to tell you. Getting covered in the blood of a guy who was about to try to rape you kind of takes the winds out of ya sails mate,” Nathan stated, smiling sarcastically as he undid his jeans.

“Fucking hell,” Curtis spat, clearly he hadn’t thought about the whole thing from Nathan’s perspective. He turned away from the group and looked into his locker.

“What? You want me to paint everything over in pretty colours?” Nathan said, arms flying around wildly. “Whatever, just tell your girlfriend that I’m really thankful that she obliterated that guy’s head,” he added.

“I’ll tell her that,” Curtis said softly to his phone.

“What about you Simon, you get up to anything interesting?” Kelly asked because she was nice, but it might have been nicer to leave Simon out of it, that way he wouldn’t have to lie.

Nathan knew that Simon wasn’t going to say anything, but the fear rocked through him all the same.

“No not really,” Simon said and that was the end of that.

 

* * *

 

Simon sought Nathan out that lunch break. Nathan knew it would happen and he was ready for it, it didn’t mean that he liked it though. He stayed where he was leant against the railing. Smoking more for something to do than anything else, he needed something to do with his hands.

“Where were you?” Simon asked, he came to stop beside Nathan.

“When?” Nathan asked, as though he didn’t know.

“What do you mean when? You know what I’m talking about,” Simon said firmly. He stood as still as a soldier, coiled like a killing machine, this was who Simon had been before everything had happened to them.

“Maybe I don’t,” Nathan said. He was well practiced in dodging questions and talking around people, this was his wheel house.

“I don’t understand what’s going on,” Simon said with genuine confusion.

Nathan almost didn’t do it, but this needed to end here, he didn’t know when he’d get the strength of conscious or the slim amount of compassion to do it again.

“Nothing’s going on.”

Then Simon got it and the hurt that flashed in his eyes ripped that hole inside Nathan wide open. It didn’t matter because this was how it was supposed to be, it wasn’t going to end any other way. He did the right thing or at least that was what he was telling himself.

He watched as Simon’s throat worked, as though he were about to say something but couldn’t get the words onto his tongue. Nathan wanted Simon to just walk away and forget about the whole thing. He knew that wasn’t going to happen, he was probably Simon’s first in a lot of ways even the ones that didn’t matter to him, Simon wouldn’t be able to let this go so easily.

Simon disappeared.

 

* * *

 

He needed to slip away, out of his mind and out of his life. Nathan sent out messages to the shittiest people he knew, lifetime drug addicts and party animals, the lowest of the low. They were the sort of people that knew where the mid-week raves were happening. They were the sort of people who’d share their drugs because they were consistently too out of it to care. Nathan was pretty sure that none of them knew what month it was let alone what day of the week, they didn’t know their arse from their elbow.

It was a hell of a weekend, the kind that would have gone down in history if he had remembered it; at least that was what Nathan figured.

He woke up on a gurney, there was a sheet draped over his face. They hadn’t done anything to him yet and he was still on the hospital’s living floor. He raised his hands and pulled the sheet off of him. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone around and the partitions were drawn around the bed. Sitting up, Nathan took stock of himself.

His shirt was ripped open. He’d probably had the defibrillator, they’d tried to shock him to life and he’d still died. He’d OD’ed. It wasn’t a good look and he wasn’t proud of it.

He still had his shoes on and his things were in his pockets, which was nice. Nathan slid off of the bed, zipped his jacket up, and left. No one stopped him. He didn’t even have a wrist band so he must have died pretty much as soon as he got there. At least he didn’t have vomit all down him.

The morning was bright and burned his eyes.

For a moment he wondered how the people in the hospital would react if a dead man just disappeared, but he figured that was other people’s problem and he had too many of his own to really worry about it.

Nathan pulled out his phone, which thankfully wasn’t dead, and found that it was early Monday morning. He groaned and started on his way toward the community centre.

 

* * *

 

“No offence, but you look like shit,” Alisha said, staring at Nathan as he walked into the locker room.

‘No shit’ Nathan thought, he’d just stepped out of a hospital on a Monday morning after dying a few hours ago. Of course he looked like shit. Dying did nothing for the complexion, it only made him feel more detached from everyone around him.

“I died last night or this morning, I’m not sure,” Nathan replied, he opened his locker, pulled his jacket off and ditched his ruined shirt.

“You’re not sure?” Kelly asked, sneering as she frowned, pretending that she wasn’t so concerned.

“I was high,” Nathan shrugged. He took the water bottle straight out of Alisha hand and drained half of it. “Thanks,” he said as he gave it back.

“Yeah no problem,” Alisha said, bewildered.

“So how’d you die this time?” Curtis asked, looking up from his phone.

“I think I OD’ed but I don’t know, I’m pretty sure they shocked me though,” Nathan explained, “must have been a fucking wild bender,” he smirked as he tore open his locker.

“You don’t remember?” Simon asked, frowning as he stared at Nathan.

“Why would I?” Nathan returned as he jumped out his jeans.

The room went silent and Nathan knew he’d revealed too much, had given them a too honest glimpse into his life. He thought fast as he pulled his jumpsuit out of the locker.

“Hey, I was wasted out of my mind looking for the perfect combination of high without Mandy,” Nathan said, pulling on his jumpsuit as he spoke. “I really miss Mandy,” he whined as he zipped up.

“Who’s Mandy?” Simon asked. Nathan almost melted at the innocence of the question.

“He means Ecstasy, MDMA,” Kelly stated helpfully.

“Oh,” Simon murmured, looking a little embarrassed that he didn’t know something that no one expected him to know. “You shouldn’t take that,” he added sternly.

“I’m not, I’m looking for alternatives. I’m doing experiments and when you’re a scientist you make some mistakes and I was fully prepared for those mistakes,” Nathan explained. Then he kicked his locker closed for emphasis.

“Waking up in a hospital doesn’t sound like something you were prepared for,” Simon said, face pinched.

“Well, yeah, I didn’t think that a bunch of wasted junkies would actually call an ambulance but turns out they were better people than I thought they were,” Nathan said, smiling as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the locker. “People will surprise ya.”

Before anyone could poke holes in his faux bravado, Shaun came into the room and asked them what they were waiting around for.

 

* * *

 

Uncharacteristically, Nathan spent the lunch break alone, spread out across the tabletop of one of the picnic benches outside the community centre. He would have bet money that no one in the history of the community centre had ever had a picnic on one of these benches. He smoked a rolled cigarette as he watched the clouds crawl across the sky, listening to music.

 

> _“With folded arms you occupied the bench like toothache,_  
>  _Stood and puffed your chest out like you'd never lost a war._  
>  _And though I tried so not to suffer the indignity of a reaction_  
>  _There was no cracks to grasp or gaps to claw._  
>    
>  _And your past times consisted of the strange_  
>  _And twisted and deranged,_  
>  _And I hate that little game you had called "Crying Lightning"_  
>  _And how you like to aggravate the icky man on rainy afternoons.”_

 

Simon’s face appeared over him. Nathan suppressed a groan, he thought he’d gotten rid of Simon, but apparently Simon’s feelings took only a week to heal. He sat up, put his feet on the seat.

“What do you want?” Nathan asked as he pulled out his earphones and paused his music.

“You weren’t really trying to find a ‘perfect high’ were you?” Simon said, the air quotes were heavily implied in his tone.

“I’m sure you have a whole different idea of what I do when you’re not around to watch me,” Nathan said, playing at bored as he sucked on his cigarette.

“Maybe you should slow down,” Simon said, ignoring Nathan’s statement which was probably pretty wise of him.

“If I slow down I’m gonna have to be faced with the fact that I’m homeless and have no prospects and that I watched my brother die, so yeah I’d rather stay wasted twenty four seven thanks,” Nathan said, blowing smoke in Simon’s direction as the other waved it away. He figured that maybe Simon would step off if he was honest enough. “If I die I die, it’s not a big deal.”

“Or you could try to make things better for yourself,” Simon said.

“Yeah, that’s never going to work,” Nathan said flippantly, smiling as he put the cigarette back into his mouth.

“Because you don’t want it to, because then you’d actually have to do something,” Simon said. He was making judgements on Nathan, sure he wasn’t wrong, but it got Nathan’s hackles up anyway.

“You’re just angry at me, which, by the way, has never motivated me to do anything. So many people have tried to get me to do all sorts of shit because it’d be good for me and I’m still me, sailing straight into the garbage heap of humanity,” Nathan rambled, flinging his arms out, these sorts of melodramatic speeches were so much fun for him.

“Of course I’m angry but that’s not why I’m trying to help you,” Simon said, he was trying to be the bigger person, which meant nothing to Nathan. He already knew that Simon was the better person. And just because he knew Simon was right didn’t mean that Nathan wasn’t going to cut Simon down just to get him off of his back.

“Oh, you’re trying to help me? Well guess what I don’t want your fucking help,” Nathan spat, flicking ash between them. “You think you can help me? You? You have no fucking idea what’s going on in your own planet, as if you could sort out all of the bullshit orbiting me,” Nathan went on, going off on a random space theme, he knew it didn’t really make sense but in his experience the more he spoke the less people wanted to do with him.

“What are you talking about?” Simon asked, clearly confused.

“You don’t know what’s going on with me, how could you? You’ve barely experienced puberty, I guess that’s why you’re so attracted to children,” Nathan said, going for the low blow because he knew it pissed Simon off.

“Why are you doing this?” Simon asked. Nathan wanted to ask why Simon was doing this to himself.

“Because it’s pathetic, you following me around because I give you the tiniest bit of attention when it’s just me insulting and abusing you, you’re so fucking desperate it’s disgusting,” Nathan sneered as he watched Simon and took another drag on his cigarette.

“But it’s not always like that,” Simon stated and the small chunk of hope in those words made Nathan feel awful.

“Oh, so you just wait around for the scraps of positive attention? That’s worse man,” Nathan spat, hands flying in the air between them.

Simon pressed his hair down. Clearly he was uncomfortable but he wasn’t leaving, it was sad and Nathan was struggling to spin it in a way that made Simon look pathetic. It was pathetic but it was in the way that made Nathan feel like an awful person. He could see the words Simon wanted to say getting clogged in his throat. It was painfully obvious that Simon was trying not to show Nathan any ounce of his pain, that would be admitting defeat, but Nathan already knew and maybe that made it worse. He didn’t know what Simon was thinking exactly.

“Say whatever you want to say or fuck off because this is pretty fucking tedious,” Nathan said and took another drag off his cigarette. He watched Simon with steady eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” Simon asked again. It was honest and raw and Nathan wanted to claw his eyes out.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to, I learnt that one from my dad,” Nathan returned, brows tipped down as he stared pointedly at Simon.

“No, I want to know because I need to know if you’re really doing this or if you’re just scared again,” Simon said, he took a step toward Nathan, getting into the other’s personal space.

“Why are you talking like you know me?” Nathan grimaced, as though the idea was comical and disgusting, when really Nathan wanted Simon to know him and the whole thing was so fucked up.

“Because I do,” Simon said, he said it with such a strong conviction that it stole the words from Nathan’s mouth.

Maybe Simon did know him, but he couldn’t know him well enough to know exactly what Nathan was doing, he always made sure not to show people too much of himself.

“I’m doing this because you and me will never work,” Nathan said, it was trite and clichéd, but he was working up to something. “I mean what was I thinking? Of course I wasn’t because I never am, you’re too sensitive and too much of a fucking virgin. It’s so much effort to deal with you and tiptoe around your feelings. You’re an uptight perverted psycho and I just want to get high and be fucked out of my mind,” he rambled, waving his cigarette wildly around.

Nathan watched Simon fall down a rabbit hole in his own mind. Simon didn’t believe it, he didn’t want to believe it because Nathan pulled shit like this all the time. He’d seen Nathan do something similar to Kelly. But there was something loud coming from the back of his mind telling him this was the truth even though he knew it wasn’t. That self-doubt and self-hatred, it was viscous and would tear you apart from the inside out. Nathan could tell all this because he’d been through it all before when he was younger, hoping beyond hope that his deadbeat dad would just do something to show that he loved him.

Nathan needed this to end right now, before they had to go back to their community service. He needed hurt Simon more than he’d hurt him since he’d pretended that he didn’t know Simon’s name.

“Simon, I just don’t want to do this, I don’t like you like that,” Nathan said, voice low and playing at a serious honesty when he was lying through his teeth. “I thought it would be fun but it’s not, it’s kind of a pain in the arse and you can’t tell me that I’m not impossible to deal with. You can’t tell me that this is easy for you, that this is a surprise to you,” he continued, he couldn’t stop until Simon believed him. “Do you see this going anywhere?” He asked on a sigh.

“I don’t know,” Simon muttered patting his hair down, he couldn’t meet Nathan’s eyes.

“Maybe you do know, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself,” Nathan said, he slowly took a drag on his cigarette and watched Simon work the words through his head.

For a second Nathan was kind of ashamed at how good he was at lying, but then Simon was walking away and relief rushed through him. He took one last pull on the cigarette and ditched it on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Nathan's listening to is Crying Lightning by Arctic Monkeys. 
> 
> As always, thanks for the comments and kudos, they're much appreciated x.


	12. Chapter 12

The morning was dark and Nathan could feel the autumn chill coming in, which meant that community service would be over soon, which in turn meant that Nathan would have to start thinking about the future. He hated thinking about the future, especially since he didn’t have any prospects. He didn’t have anywhere to live, he didn’t have anyone he could rely on, he didn’t have a job, he didn’t any money, and he didn’t have any hope in hell of pulling himself out of this situation.

Nathan lit a rolled cigarette, hand cupped around the lighter shielding it from the breeze. He popped his collar and held his jacket close to his body. The jacket was too thin to keep even the slightest chill out, but it was better than nothing. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets as he sucked on the cigarette.

His phone went off and Nathan groaned. He didn’t want to take his hand out and have it go numb as he held the phone against his ear. Still he checked the ID. It was his mum, who never called him, so he answered it straight away.

“Hello, this is quite the surprise,” Nathan said as he held the phone against his head.

“Surprise? It’s your birthday Nathan, I was calling to say that you shouldn’t come over today because Jeremy’s family is over, it couldn’t be helped,” she went on, not taking a breath because she obviously didn’t want to hear a damn thing that Nathan had to say.

“I wasn’t planning on coming over anyway,” Nathan said because he wasn’t, but that was because he’d forgotten that it was his birthday.

“Alright, well Happy Birthday,” Louise said, it wasn’t without emotion and that’s was what made it worse.

“Yeah, thanks,” Nathan said, he would have hung up then but she beat him to it.

He couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t say she loved him and she didn’t give him the opportunity to say it either.

When he wanted attention Nathan would have usually gone straight to Simon, but he was trying to stay away from Simon. He chewed on his lip as he stared out across the river. Flicking ash on the concrete, he suddenly didn’t want to smoke anymore, but it felt like a waste to crush it out. Nathan had never had much resolve and what little he had was starting to wear thin. He wanted to see Simon.

He spotted Simon walking toward the community centre.

Think of the devil, Nathan thought with a bleakness because he probably shouldn’t be in front of Simon when he felt so emotionally vulnerable, it’d lead him to do something stupid just to make himself feel better.

Simon walked straight past him. Nathan didn’t blame him. It had been nearly two weeks since he’d chewed Simon out. Simon hadn’t talked to him since and Kelly was giving him the cold shoulder too. The only person that was actually talking to Nathan was Alisha, they spoke around what was going on, but she definitely knew that he and Simon weren’t on good terms. He didn’t have to tell her that, it was painfully obvious.

 

* * *

 

No one knew that it was his birthday. No one besides his mum had called him. He felt kind of guilty for not trying harder with his dad, not that he really wanted to spend his birthday anywhere near him, he just wanted to achieve Jamie’s wish. He’d never achieve that wish.

He needed to become himself again, he needed to be his cheery insulting and offensive self, but he didn’t exactly know how to get there. Drugs, sex and alcohol weren’t doing it this time. Things were too quiet and doing everything on your own got tedious after a while. Nathan was getting stir crazy.

The one thing that had been making things feel better was also something that forced him to think about and talk about things that he didn’t want to think or talk about. All good things were like that though. Nathan had spent his whole life running from pain, but the phrase went ‘no pain, no gain’ unfortunately for him.

They were picking litter up from the floor and Nathan was lagging behind, picking up the scraps. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Simon. Simon was as physically far away from him as he could possibly be.

He missed it, Nathan admitted to himself, he missed Simon. He missed kissing Simon, missed teasing him, missed winding him up, missed simply talking to him, missed touching him, and he missed everything about the short time that they’d spent close together. Nathan missed being an ‘in between thing’ with Simon. It was insufferable. He couldn’t stand the silence and he couldn’t stand the distance between all of them. Things needed to be right again and Nathan knew that it meant that he had to apologise.

He waited until their lunch break, he couldn’t do it in front of everyone, which was good because Simon wouldn’t appreciate it anyway. Simon was sat alone on a bench like usual. Nathan watched him from the door and tried to imagine that he was a brave person, that he was the kind of person who could apologise without feeling as though he was being hung drawn and quartered.

Nathan screwed his face up. He tried to get the words onto his tongue as he approached Simon.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out without preamble.

“What?” Simon gapped, staring up at Nathan.

Nathan realised with horror that he’d need to say something more than just that if he was going to sort all of this out.

“You were right and I’m sorry, please don’t make me say it again because you know I’m not good at it,” he said, trying not to sound whiney because he knew Simon would take that as him trying to be manipulative. He felt like being whiney though.

“What am I supposed to be right about?” Simon asked. He looked away from Nathan as though looking at him would make things harder for him.

“I was scared, I am scared but I’m sick of pretending I’m not,” Nathan said and swallowed thickly, “I’m sick of pretending that I don’t want you,” he finished and ran a hand down his face.

“But you,” Simon didn’t finish his thought but the confusion was evident on his face as he stared down at his lunch.

“I lied, I lied because I was scared. I already said this weren’t you listening?” Nathan said and folded his arms over his chest.

“And you want me to take you back?” Simon asked quietly. He fiddled with the lid of his lunchbox, still not looking at Nathan.

“Oh my god, don’t say it like that,” Nathan groaned as he dragged a hand down his face. He dropped down onto the bench beside Simon, facing away from the table.

“But that’s what you want right?” Simon asked looking hard at Nathan.

“Yeah, I want be close to you again,” Nathan said staring out across the river and the nicer part of the estate. It was almost painful to say, he’d never really said anything like it or at least he’d never meant it when he had.

“I thought you were getting really close with Alisha,” Simon said, trying for a jab at Nathan and Nathan knew he deserved that and more.

“She’s my friend, yeah, but it’s not the same, I don’t want to kiss her and she’s no fun to wind up now that she can hit me,” Nathan explained, hoping that Simon wouldn’t think that his smile was another small manipulation.

“Maybe I should start hitting you,” Simon said smiling softly as he looked up at Nathan.

“You like me too much to hit me,” Nathan said, he tilted his head toward Simon and bumped his shoulder against Simon’s.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Simon returned, smiling still but after a moment it faded. “Are you going to do this again?” He asked, tone turning serious.

“What mess you around? I can’t say it won’t happen because I’m a dramatic bitch but I’ll try not to though and hey at least now you know I don’t mean it,” Nathan replied honestly, he ran his hand through his hair.

“That’s not a great answer,” Simon stated.

“What did you expect?” Nathan said because he couldn’t believe that Simon expected him to be up front with his emotions, that was too much wishful thinking even for someone like Simon.

“Something that shows that you like me more than just your words,” Simon murmured, twiddling with his fingers.

“I said I’ll try, which is something I’ve never done before, you should feel honoured,” Nathan muttered, he turned toward Simon getting a little more into the other’s personal space.

“I don’t know what I expected,” Simon said, shaking his head.

“I’m a fun bag of surprises,” Nathan smiled weakly as he held his arms out wide.

“You can’t just do this all the time,” Simon muttered, “I’m not going to forgive you for forever,” he continued while he watched Nathan.

“I know,” Nathan said into his hands, “I know and I’m trying, it might not look like a whole lot but this is what it looks like when I’m actually trying,” he continued, staring at the ground. He was trying to prepare himself for rejection. Nathan had never been very good with rejection, usually he manufactured situations where people just left before he could give a damn about it, and you couldn’t hurt if he didn’t care. He cared about this though.

“Okay,” Simon said simply.

“Okay?” Nathan parroted as he looked up from his hands.

“Okay, let’s try this again,” Simon clarified, shifting under Nathan’s gaze.

“Right,” Nathan said, he couldn’t have kept the smile from his face if he’d wanted to. “So, you wanna kiss and make up?”

Simon jabbed him in the side with his elbow and Nathan overreacted, holding onto his side and pretending to groan as though Simon had stabbed him.

“I still don’t understand what exactly happened,” Simon said softly.

“Yeah, we’re not talking about that right now,” Nathan replied, he was spent, his daily allotment of honesty was dried up.

“Later,” Simon said as though it were a promise.

“You can certainly try,” Nathan said as Simon rolled his eyes and bit into his sandwich.

Nathan felt such a relief, as though he were a deflating balloon. He went boneless against the bench. They didn’t talk anymore. They sat silently together as Simon finished off his lunch, comfortable together.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was better, Kelly was talking to him finally and Nathan practically chewed her ear off as they scraped at more garbage posters. Nathan hadn’t felt this good since Simon had sucked him off and that was about three weeks ago. Things were back to a reasonable level of normal. Sure they still had their powers and they’d killed a few people, his brother was still dead and his relationship with his parents was almost non-existent, but things were alright considering.

It was Friday, they usually did something on a Friday night, and after week of mind-numbing community service work they all needed a break. Nathan wasn’t flush or anything close but it was his birthday so someone would definitely buy him a few drinks.

“So it’s my birthday,” Nathan announced to the room.

No one really reacted or at least not as much as Nathan had wanted them to. Kelly and Simon were staring at him with open pity and concern, Alisha wasn’t even looking at him as she put her lip gloss on, Curtis clearly didn’t believe him.

“Bullshit,” Curtis spat, pulling up his joggers.

“It is,” Nathan returned, of course this was what he got for lying all the time.

Curtis looked over at Kelly as though she were the group’s lie detector.

Nathan visualised his provisional licence that was tucked into his wallet somewhere between a debit card for an empty bank account and his good condom as he stared at her.

“He’s telling the truth,” Kelly said with exasperation.

“Now that that’s cleared up, are we getting shit-faced or what?” Nathan asked a he looked at the group.

 

* * *

 

The club was so loud that Nathan couldn’t hear himself think, which was great since that was exactly what he was going for. His pulse thrummed to the pumping rhythm. Kelly had brought him a fruity colourful cocktail with one of those paper umbrellas in it. He gave her a one armed hug and kissed her on the top of the head, he owed her so much but he couldn’t work those words out of his mouth, he hoped she heard him think it.

Nathan danced with Alisha and Kelly, he felt like their gal pal, it was so sexless. Not that he really wanted to make it sexy, he was pretty sure that they’d both hit him the instant he tried to grind on them. That and it would definitely make Simon uncomfortable. Simon being uncomfortable might not have usually bothered him, most of the time it was something he was trying to achieve, but he was still trying to stay on Simon’s good side.

Simon was hovering close by, softly bobbing along to the music. Kelly tried to include him. She danced around Simon, taking his arm and spinning him around. He seemed happy. They all did.

Curtis and Nikki were close by. Dancing like it was a sex show, there wasn’t a centimetre between their groins. Nathan couldn’t take his eyes off of them. It was completely pornographic and Nathan was loving it.

“Is this for me? It’s like live porn for my birthday,” Nathan gapped, leering at them.

“You wanna watch you gotta pay,” Nikki said and held her hand out toward Nathan. He laughed and turned away from them. 

Nathan’s eyes locked with Simon’s. He and Simon had been keeping their distance, neither of them wanted it to be out in the open, at least they agreed on that. Still he wanted to grab Simon by the hips and slow grind on him. Nathan finished his cocktail and turned away from Simon, he didn’t need to get an erection when he was dancing with the girls. He couldn’t keep his eyes from Simon for long though.

He watched as Simon made his way to the toilet. Both Alisha and Kelly were watching him, but Nathan didn’t care what they thought, the pair of them pretty much knew what was going on between the two of them anyway. Nathan made a lame excuse of needing to go to the toilet. He moved through the crowd, bodies pressed against him, as he made his way toward the men’s room.

Nathan crowded Simon into the toilet stall, awkwardly closing the door behind them.

“I’m not doing anything in a toilet this disgusting,” Simon muttered, as though he would actually do anything with Nathan in a cleaner toilet.

“Spoilsport,” Nathan said, cowing Simon against the wall. He dropped his hands onto Simon’s shoulders.

“I’m serious,” Simon said he put his hands up on Nathan’s chest, keeping the other at bay, but Nathan was tall enough to bend over him.

“We could just leave,” Nathan breathed against the shell of Simon’s ear. He felt the other shiver.

“And go where?” Simon asked flatly leaning away from Nathan.

“Good point, but you’re the plan maker out of the two of us so good ahead, make a plan,” Nathan rambled, but it was true, Simon was the planner and organiser of the group. Simon was reliable to the point that it made Nathan weak at the knees.

“How about we go back out to the floor and have a nice night with our friends,” Simon offered lamely.

“But it’s my birthday,” Nathan whined, rubbing his thumbs in circles against Simon’s shoulders.

“You’re trying to manipulate me,” Simon frowned, staring hard at Nathan as he pushed him back, properly keeping Nathan at arm’s reach this time.

“Is it working?” Nathan asked, stretching his neck as he tried to reach Simon’s face with his lips.

“A little bit,” Simon murmured with a smile.

“So…” Nathan said leadingly.

“We don’t have anywhere to go and I’m not doing anything in this toilet,” Simon explained, reiterating his stance on the toilet, which only made Nathan want to do all sorts of illicit things to Simon in a toilet more. It was almost a challenge.

“You can’t splash out on a hotel for my birthday?” Nathan said, laying it on thick as Simon still kept him at bay.

“We just got back together or whatever it is we’re doing, and you want to go to a hotel, the place where you run away from me?” Simon asked. He raised his brows at Nathan, as though he was making a point and Nathan guessed he was but he wouldn’t have been so uptight about it.

“You know I don’t think anything through,” Nathan replied, brows pinched as he held his hands up.

Simon sighed. He moved his hands up to Nathan’s shoulder and further cup Nathan’s neck, Simon pulled Nathan closer and kissed him. Nathan’s fingers curled around Simon’s collar, holding him close. Simon tilted his head and deepened the kiss. Their mouths were open against each other, as close as they could possibly be, hips pressed together. Simon’s tongue flicked into his mouth and Nathan openly groaned.

“Happy birthday,” Simon murmured with a smirk as he left the toilet stall, leaving Nathan with a bad case of the blue balls.

Nathan laughed and followed Simon out of the toilet. He didn’t care who saw, it was a sea of strangers anyway. It was one of the few times that Simon really got one over on him. It was worth other people seeing his slight humiliation, not that he’d ever cared much about embarrassment.

“I’ll get another round in,” Simon said loudly to the group, he was clearly embarrassed as he tried to make distance between himself and Nathan.

Nathan watched Simon walk up to the bar, he was doing everything he could to not make eye contact with Nathan. It was adorable. How Simon could act so shy after being a total cock-tease was beyond Nathan, it sent shivers down his spine though.

“I didn’t wash my hands,” Nathan said as he did jazz hands between Alisha and Kelly.

“You’re fucking disgusting,” Alisha sneered, leaning away from Nathan.

“Don’t worry he didn’t touch his dick,” Kelly muttered and took another sip of her beer.

“You piss without touching your dick?” Alisha said, mouth twisted into a grimace as she stared at Nathan with open disgust.

“I didn’t piss,” Nathan said with a wink and Alisha rolled her eyes.

“Doesn’t seem like you got to come either,” Alisha returned as she eyed the erection tenting Nathan’s jeans.

“C’est la vie,” Nathan shrugged.

“Yeah, right,” Alisha chuckled.

He looked over at Simon and caught the other staring at him, Simon quickly looked away, but Nathan could still see the smile curling Simon’s lips. If this was going to be Nathan’s life then he could live with that, as far as he was concerned this was the best birthday he’d had.


	13. Chapter 13

Nathan was happily riding through his hangover. After Simon had left him rock hard and aching, Nathan had maybe four more beers, then Kelly had brought everyone shots and after that Nikki got everyone a finger of her favourite whiskey. He was pretty sure that all of them were sporting the same sort of banging hangover.

It was well into the afternoon on a Saturday and Nathan was still buzzing, laid out on the green across from the community centre. The day wasn’t especially bright or nice. It was like most days in England, overcast without a chance of seeing an inch of the sky through the clouds. He was smoking a shitty roll up. Watching as the smoke curled into the air above him, it twisted and shifted into the sky and disappeared.

The music was on low and Nathan bopped his head as he continued to smoke. iPod in his pocket. Nathan let the rhythm roll through him, blinking up at the sky, tapping his toes against the grass.

 

> _“I guess what I'm trying to say_  
>  _Is I need the deep end._  
>  _Keep imagining meeting,_  
>  _Wished away entire lifetimes._  
>  _Unfair we're not somewhere_  
>  _Misbehaving for days,_  
>  _Great escape,_  
>  _Lost track of time and space._  
>  _She's a silver lining climbing on my desire._  
>    
> _And I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be_  
>  _And satisfaction feels like a distant memory._  
>  _And I can't help myself._  
>  _All I wanna hear her say is "Are you mine?"”_

 

His phone was ringing, of course it was on silent but he could feel the vibrations against his leg, caught in the tight pocket of his skinny jeans. Nathan paused his music and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Barry was written across the screen, he wondered if Simon would be offended by that.

“What are you doing?” Simon asked before Nathan could press the phone to his ear.

“Well, hello to you too, how’s your morning?” Nathan replied, playing at offence.

“I’m fine, what are you doing?” Simon asked again, it was clear that Simon wasn’t too comfortable to say whatever he wanted to say over the phone, but then he wondered why Simon hadn’t texted him. Maybe he was worried that Nathan wouldn’t reply which wasn’t beyond Nathan.

“You know I’m not doing anything, I don’t see why you’d even ask,” Nathan said, cigarette between his lips.

“Okay, do you want to have lunch?” Simon asked, he had to struggle the words out of his mouth and Nathan figured this was why Simon had called him, he might not have had the nerve over text.

“Only if you’re buying because I literally have no cash,” Nathan replied honestly.

“McDonalds it is then,” Simon said.

“Alright,” Nathan said and hung up. He wanted to say ‘it’s a date’ as a joke but that might have made Simon embarrassed because of how close it was to the truth.

 

* * *

 

They ate McDonalds at the park, it wasn’t entirely romantic, but Nathan didn’t care about that as long as they were spending time together. Nathan was slumped against the bench with a hamburger in his hand. He wanted to be alone with Simon more often, but there weren’t a whole lot of places they could go. Nathan knew that Simon wouldn’t want him in his home and Nathan wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to meet Simon’s family. It’d be kind of pathetic to spend all of their time in the community centre. They certainly weren’t wealthy enough to get a hotel every time they wanted to be together.

Nathan needed somewhere to live, at least then he could have all of Simon’s attention. Sat on a park bench, Simon had other things to look at and distract himself with, things that weren’t Nathan to occupy himself with.

“If I gather enough money to pay for a hotel for the night would ya spend the night with me?” Nathan asked quietly because he knew Simon would be scandalised if someone overheard.

“How are you going to make that kind of money?” Simon returned, he turned his attention to Nathan and shuffled closer to him.

“Uh, it’s at most a hundred and fifty quid, I can scrape that much money together,” Nathan said and Simon continued to stare at him with incredulity. “My mum wouldn’t let me visit her on my birthday, she owes me for that and I think that’s at least two hundred quid’s worth of emotional trauma,” he went on, smiling as he wriggled his eyebrows at Simon.

“Okay,” Simon replied, incredulity flowed into concern which Nathan chose to ignore.

“So you’ll go to a hotel with me?” Nathan asked as he leaned a little further toward Simon, burger held against his lap.

“Maybe,” Simon shrugged, he sounded unsure as he stared out across the park. “What do you want to do at a hotel?” He asked, looking back over at Nathan, as though he didn’t already know.

“What do you think I wanna do?” Nathan returned.

“You want to have sex in a hotel?” Simon asked as he blinked at Nathan.

“Yeah,” Nathan said. He watched the blush crawl over the bridge of Simon’s nose as it spread across his cheeks. It was so damn adorable that Nathan wanted to make him blush more.

“What if I’m not ready for that?” Simon asked. He stared down at his hands as he fiddled with the paper wrapping of his burger.

“The whole hotel thing is to make sure that your deflowering is spectacular, we can’t exactly do it in your house because I’m not fucking on Clingfilm or a tarp or whatever anal serial killer shit will make you comfortable and you definitely wouldn’t want to do it in the community centre so for once I’m thinking ahead. I’m thinking about you,” Nathan explained. It wasn’t just about sex, but it would be easier to talk about it if he pretended it was.

“You’re being manipulative again,” Simon stated and frowned at his hands.

“I’m not saying we have to do it right now, like I said, I’m planning ahead,” Nathan said because for the first time in a while he wasn’t trying to manipulate Simon. If he wanted to have somewhere where he could be alone with Simon, then it kind of went without saying that Simon wanted the same at least that was the logic that Nathan followed. He was trying to do this for the both of them.

He watched Simon swallow as he thought over Nathan’s proposition.

Before Simon could say anything, Nathan felt his phone vibrate for a second and he checked it, there was text from Kelly.

“Who’s that?” Simon asked, pretending that he wasn’t itching to look over Nathan’s shoulder.

“What’s it to you?” Nathan replied playfully, jostling Simon with his elbow.

“Nothing,” Simon said, but he was pouting ever so slightly.

“Kelly’s asking if I want to go over for Sunday roast,” Nathan said with a smile and kissed his phone. “Thank god for Kelly or I’d be going hungry,” he went on and typed an affirmative reply.

“Oh,” Simon sighed.

Nathan watched Simon from the corner of his eye, he smirked as he realised that Simon was jealous, it was just another cute shy thing that Simon did.

“You remember when I told you that there’s nothing but familial feelings between me and Kelly right?” Nathan asked, smiling at Simon as he spoke.

“I’m not jealous,” Simon muttered, turning away from Nathan.

“Of course you’re not,” Nathan said and threw his arm over Simon’s shoulder, he pulled the other in close and squeezed. He stopped himself from kissing Simon. It was hell to restrain himself, but it would embarrass Simon and he was still trying to stay in Simon’s good books, it’d only been a day since things had gone back to normal. “You don’t know how much I want to kiss you,” Nathan murmured into Simon’s ear, “I should really be rewarded for my restraint,” he continued, pushing his luck.

“Stop it,” Simon said, pulling himself out of Nathan’s hold, creating distance between them.

“Even if we don’t have sex, this is why we need somewhere to hang out because I want to kiss you a lot,” Nathan said and took a bite out of his cooling burger. “Not that this isn’t nice,” he added because he didn’t want Simon to take it the wrong way, “but I want the freedom to kiss you whenever I want,” he said, palms up to the air.

“Yeah that would be nice,” Simon agreed.

 

* * *

 

Apparently Simon had somewhere to be and they couldn’t spend the whole day together. Nathan pretended not to be as interested in what Simon was doing as he was, he didn’t know whether his interest would freak Simon out or not, so he kept it to himself. Either way Nathan was left to his own devices again.

Instead of pissing away the time getting drunk or high or both and wanking himself into oblivion, Nathan went through the lockers in the community centre looking for forgotten change or something interesting at the least. Maybe he’d find a few quid or a condom or a rotten banana or something. What he didn’t expect to find was the love letter he’d written Simon when he had been under the influence of the tattoo. It was tucked hard into the groove in the side of the locker that Simon usually used.

Nathan pulled it free and stared at it under the florescent lights. It was thankfully unopened. He tore apart the envelope and unravelled the paper. Nathan scanned his eyes over the words he’d scrawled more than a month ago, holding the paper close to his face.

‘If you open your heart, I know we can have something really beautiful, love forever, Nathan.’

There was a whole bunch of x’s at the bottom of the page.

Nathan groaned as he pressed his head against the cool metal of the locker. He couldn’t express just how grateful he was that Simon had never even opened the damn thing, or that no one else had seen it, he’d never live it down if they had.

He started to wonder if that was how he’d act if were really in love. Would he be so clingy? It was certainly possible, earlier that afternoon he’d been dying from Simon’s undivided attention. Heck, he was usually vying for Simon’s undivided attention. But he couldn’t imagine gushing over Simon like he was in the letter, like he had been when he’d had that tattoo, he’d just never been like that no matter how much he cared about someone.

Back when those virtue virgins had stolen Kelly away, Nathan had said all those nice things to her, but she hadn’t remembered which he’d been really thankful for. He didn’t need to tell Kelly how much he cared about her though, she should have known just from his thoughts. Simon didn’t know, Simon couldn’t read his mind so of course he was anxious and distrusting of him, Nathan had never been forthcoming with his feelings.

There was no way that he would say or write anything like that letter.

What if he did though? Nathan thought. What would happen if he said those things to Simon, would Simon even believe him if such flowery words came out of his mouth? He didn’t think Simon would believe him if he said he loved him even if he meant it. Nathan groaned again.

Thinking about the tattoo and everything it’d made him do and feel, even the echoes of it that were still rolling through him, made him feel a little hollow as though he were faking the whole thing. He needed to stop thinking about it. Having it hang over him would do nothing but have him constantly second guessing himself when Nathan never liked thinking in the first place.

He tore up the letter, dumped it in one of those metal bins and took that outside where no one would be sticking their nose in, and then he set the piece on fire with his lighter. Nathan watched the flames and wished he had some tobacco to at least make a roll up.

 

* * *

 

It was early evening and Nathan was eager to get inside Kelly’s flat and have the first home cooked meal he’d had in weeks. Earlier that day, he’d tried to see his mother and she’d pressed the wad of cash on him as she pushed him out the door, he hadn’t been there for more than fifteen minutes. It was depressing and he needed to take his mind off of it.

He rapped his knuckles against the door of Kelly’s flat and waited. It wasn’t long before she was opening the door. She smiled softly as she stepped out of the way and let Nathan in.

“Do you want a coke?” Kelly asked as she closed the door behind Nathan. She had her own drink in a glass with a crazy straw. She hollowed her cheeks as she sucked on the straw to drink, waiting for Nathan’s reply.

“Yeah sure, I’d like one of those fancy straws too if you’ve got anymore,” Nathan said, smiling at her as he kicked his shoes off.

“Alright,” Kelly said and went further into the flat.

He followed her into the kitchen and looked at the photographs stuck to the fridge. There was a picture of the whole group from one of their nights out, Nathan didn’t remember when it’d been taken, but it was nice to see.

Nathan was surprised that Kelly didn’t ask him about what was going on between him and Simon, but she was a good friend and was probably keeping her nose out of his business. She’d still smack him around the head if he hurt Simon though. He didn’t need her to tell him that.

“What happened to your dog?” Nathan asked, remembering that he hadn’t seen it the last few times he’d been over. Kelly passed him his coke and Nathan gave her a muted thanks.

“Oh Keith? I had to get rid of him, I couldn’t stand hearing his thoughts,” Kelly replied as she sucked on her straw.

“What do dogs think about?” Nathan asked, frowning to himself as he tried to imagine a dog’s thoughts.

“A loud of bullshit,” Kelly said, “they’ve got such tiny brains that they just think the same thing over and over, it’s all about food and what they want, Keith’s a pretty gross dog as well so I gave him to a family on the estate,” she continued as she sucked on her straw.

“Ah, that’s nice, at least he went to a good home,” Nathan replied, smiling at her as he leant back with the counter pressed to the small of his back.

“I’m never getting another pet,” Kelly said.

“You could just get rid of your power and get a decent amount of cash for it too,” Nathan returned, even though Kelly had already declined the option.

“I don’t think I want to do that, I can’t stop thinking about how many times we would have died if I didn’t have this power,” Kelly said, staring straight back at Nathan.

“Me too,” Nathan said, “I’d be dead like twenty times over at least,” he added with laugh even though it wasn’t funny, Kelly laughed too.

This time he stayed in the kitchen and he even helped a little as Kelly made dinner. Mostly, he helped her get stuff out of the freezer and got things from cupboards and draws for her. The oven was being pre-heated. Nathan watched as she put some chicken on a tray and went about making mash, a mix of vegetables were sweating in a pot waiting until it was time for them to be boiled.

“You know, I’m sorry about ignoring ya,” Kelly said, standing up straight after sliding the tray of chicken into the oven.

“It’s okay. I probably deserved it, no, I definitely deserved it,” Nathan said smiling back at her.

“Yeah, you deserved it alright,” Kelly replied, smiling too. “You have a good birthday yeah?” She asked and turned back to attend to the mash.

“It was fucking fantastic thank you,” Nathan said and finished his drink, sucking hard on the crazy straw.

They chatted idly as the dinner cooked and Nathan felt a little lighter, able to stop obsessing over how much his mum didn’t care about him or the stupid love letter he’d found the day before. Kelly was a laugh, but she was a great friend on top of that. Nathan had never really had a friend like her. They say that you don’t you know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone, but Nathan hadn’t known a damn thing at all because he’d never had anything to begin with.

Nathan helped dish up the food and Kelly got two beers from the fridge as they made their way into the living room. They watched Love Island and ate together in silence. The food was good and the company was good, they didn’t need to fill the air with words.

“You know, I’ve got a feeling that things are gonna be okay,” Kelly said as she set down plate on the coffee table, put her feet up and cracked open her beer.

“I fucking hope so,” Nathan said and opened his own beer, clicked it against Kelly’s.

He really did hope that things would be alright, he didn’t know if he could deal with any more bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Nathan's listening to at the beginning is R U Mine? by Arctic Monkeys.  
> I always wondered just what happened to that love letter.   
> Anyways, thank you guys again for the comments and kudos x


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: violent assault and explicit sexual content.

It was a day like a thousand others. Nathan was stretched out across the table of one of the benches with the others sat around him. He was smoking a cigarette he’d bummed from Alisha. Conversation flowed around them as they delayed going home, not that Nathan had anywhere to go.

Nathan heard the conversation die down as footsteps approached. He leaned up on his elbows and stared at the teen that had stopped in front of them. The guy looked pretty damn normal, someone that Nathan would completely forget the instant he left Nathan’s line of sight.

“You alright mate?” Curtis asked, staring up at the guy.

“You lot got any of these super powers?” He asked, acting cocky as though he were some sort of rock star instead of a random white guy in a sea of other white guys.

“What are you talking about?” Kelly asked, full chav accent on as she played dumb.

“You talking about comic book shit? You alright mate?” Curtis said, staring hard at the guy as though he were mental, it was the best piece of acting Nathan had seen Curtis perform since he’d meet the bloke.

“You guys really don’t know?” He smirked as though his pockets were full of all sorts of wonderful drugs that he was going to keep to himself, Nathan half wished that was the case.

“Why don’t you just jog on yeah?” Alisha said in her usual bored tone.

“You seriously don’t have powers,” he continued to smile like the smuggest prick in the world. This guy was seriously boring the brains out of Nathan.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally immortal,” Nathan said on impulse, running his mouth like usual.

The next thing he knew the guy’s hand went all metallic and was tearing through his stomach all Terminator 2 style. It felt cold and strange and wrong and incredibly painful, the pain became even worse when whoever the hell he was pulled it out. Nathan’s stomach lurched and the wound throbbed.

He didn’t see how everyone else reacted. His full attention was on the pain pulsing through him and the blood oozing out of him, staining his t-shirt, and then he was on his back blinking in shuttered motions up at the sky. There was noise and motion going on around him but all Nathan knew was that he was dying. Again.

 

* * *

 

It had been a while since he’d died. He didn’t know what happened, the only thing he did know was that being stabbed hurt like a bitch. Nathan shifted on the bed as he looked around the small space that the partitions offered.

Simon was beside him, sat on a small uncomfortable chair, staring at his blood smeared hands.

“I didn’t let them take you,” Simon muttered, his voice was barely above a whisper. He was staring hard at the bed frame, apparently unable to meet Nathan’s eyes.

“What?” Nathan croaked.

“They wanted to take you away, but I didn’t want you to wake up on a tray in the basement or something like that,” Simon rambled, he looked like he wanted to drop his head into his hands, but that’d get blood all over his face.

“Oh, thanks,” Nathan murmured. The thought of Simon arguing with nurses who were being polite to a distraught boy about his corpse was a little overwhelming.

“What now?” Simon asked finally looking at Nathan.

“We walk out,” Nathan said and pushed himself up into a sitting position.

“We just leave?” Simon said with disbelief.

“It’s that easy,” Nathan said as he zipped his jacket up, hiding his ruined shirt. Thankfully there was no blood on his jeans.

He jumped down from the bed, so unfathomably thankful that he hadn’t shit himself this time.  

“Ready to go?” He asked, tilting his head toward Simon.

“Uh, yeah,” Simon muttered and scrambled from the chair.

Simon was awkward on his feet, shuffling behind Nathan as they made their through the hospital. They walked past all kinds of personnel and patients. No one paid them any mind.

“What happened exactly?” Nathan asked once they were outside.

“After you were stabbed?” Simon said, matter-of-factly despite how much it seemed to pain him to say.

“Yeah, after I was stabbed,” Nathan replied flippantly.

“I don’t really know,” Simon muttered. He looked so incredibly uncomfortable.

“Curtis didn’t bother to rewind time? What’s the point in having a power as good as that and never using it,” Nathan sneered as he spoke, scuffing his feet as they continued to walk.

“It’s probably because you’re immortal,” Simon said flatly.

“Getting stabbed still hurts,” Nathan whined, he held his hands over his stomach.

“I know,” Simon replied.

“You don’t know, you weren’t stabbed,” Nathan turned on Simon, hands moving through the air.

“You died in my lap,” Simon said, statement dropped like a ton of bricks on the hood of a car.

“Oh,” Nathan didn’t know what to say to that. The rest of the group hadn’t really seen him die, besides the first time, and he’d still been alive when Simon had dealt with Lucy the shape-shifter. None of them had been there the other times he had died. Things had changed since the last time Simon had seen him die, there was something between them now and he figured that had changed Simon’s perspective, he didn’t want to think too much about what that meant or what Simon was going through because of him.

“I think the others sorted it out or something,” Simon muttered despondently. He patted himself down and pulled his phone out of his pocket, Nathan peered over his shoulder and saw the staggering number of texts and missed calls. Simon’s fingers alighted over the phone and Nathan couldn’t read what he was typing and it was difficult to walk and read anyway. “Kelly says that the guy totally freaked and thought that he’d killed you for real, but Curtis calmed him down. I think he’s been spooked out of doing anything like that again,” he went on and put his phone away.

“Killing someone’s certainly a system shocker,” Nathan said with a tilt of his head.

“What do we do now?” Simon asked, following Nathan as he walked aimlessly through the streets, further away from the hospital. They needed to create as much distance as possible before anyone realised that they were missing a corpse.

“I dunno, but I definitely need a shower or something,” Nathan said, coming to a stop as they rounded a corner.

“I can’t go home covered in blood,” Simon murmured, staring at his hands as he stood so close to Nathan, breathing in the other’s personal space.

“Yeah, maybe keep your hands in your pockets,” Nathan said, silently thankful that Simon’s wardrobe consisted entirely of dark clothes, if no one looked too closely they wouldn’t look suspicious. “I’ve got that money for the hotel room, if you wanna go,” he added. He had his hands in the pockets of his jacket, fingers curled around the tiny bottle of lube and condoms he’d been keeping there just in case. Nathan was serious about needing a shower but if Simon was up for it then who was Nathan to turn him down?

“Okay,” Simon said, his tone muted.

“How are we going to get a hotel when you’re covered in blood, huh?” Nathan asked, frowning as he tried to think his way out of the shitty situation they were in.

“You go in first and get the key, then I’ll come in once you have it and we’ll take the stairs,” Simon explained.

“Another one of your serial killer plans,” Nathan smiled as he patted Simon on the shoulder.

They went to the closest chain hotel that Nathan could afford and Simon’s plan worked perfectly. The receptionist didn’t seem to give a shit about anything as long as Nathan’s money was good, which he hoped it was otherwise his mum was running a counterfeit business out of her bungalow without Nathan’s knowledge. She passed him the key and they went up the stairs to the second floor. Nathan’s heart was thrumming as they climbed the stairs, he didn’t know what Simon was expecting, but waking up after dying really made Nathan desperate to live and of course the height of living was getting laid by someone you like.  

There was a palpable static between them that Nathan could feel even without Simon looking at him, he didn’t know if Simon was feeling the same desperate need to feel alive, but there was certainly some sort of tension fizzling in the air between them.

 

* * *

 

Nathan slammed Simon against the wall as soon as they got through the door, pressing their mouths harshly together. His fingers were curled around Simon’s jaw. Simon kissed him back with abandon, his hands slid into Nathan’s hair, pulling him down.

It was frantic. He’d never felt Simon move like it, fingers sticking against his pulse points seemingly checking that he was still alive. Nathan wanted to wash away whatever was going through Simon’s mind with the feeling of his own touch. He wanted to blank Simon’s mind with a kind of pleasure that Simon had never felt, he wanted to make it all go away because it was his fault.

With great effort, he took a few steps back and eyed Simon. Bruised lips, rumpled clothes and ruffled hair. It was a perfect sight and Nathan’s dick begged him to dive back in.

“This is what hotels were made for,” Nathan said with conviction as he tore off his jacket and dropped whatever was left of his t-shirt to the floor.

“In Japan they have love hotels that are just meant for hook ups,” Simon said, unbuttoning his shirt as he spoke. Revealing more pale skin as he went, to the point that it was hard for Nathan to focus on what he was saying.

“That sounds tacky and amazing, we should go,” Nathan gaped, the thought of a building entirely made for people to hook up in was kind of mind blowing and only made him harder. He needed to get his jeans off and fast.

“I don’t know about that,” Simon said bashfully, tilting his head away from Nathan as he unbuckled his belt. He didn’t pull the belt free from the loops this time.

Nathan yanked off his jeans but he didn’t get the chance to take his boxers off, Simon’s mouth smashed against his own the instant he was free from the denim. He fell backward onto the bed and Simon followed him. They bounced on the mattress, hands all over each other, clawing for something to hold onto.

Simon kissed him with abandon, with a kind of intensity that Nathan usually shied from or was too wasted to care about, but this time Nathan just sunk into it. He arched his back off the bed, ribs and collar bone pressing against his skin. Hip bones as sharp as knives with those shitty star tattoos sprinkled across the skin stretched over them. Simon’s fingers ran down his arched back and curled around the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down with the softly shaking hands of someone without much experience.

Simon’s hand closed around the shaft of Nathan’s now free standing cock. Nathan reached between them and palmed Simon through his underwear. Their lips were latched together, keening into each other’s mouths, rutting into each other’s hands.

“The lube and condoms are in my jacket,” Nathan muttered lowly into Simon’s ear.

“R-right,” Simon stammered, he untangled himself from Nathan and clambered off of the bed.

Nathan couldn’t help but notice the way Simon’s erection was straining inside his boxers. He wondered why Simon was still wearing underwear when Nathan was naked, but then Simon was upon him again, pushing him down the bed and Nathan couldn’t think too much about anything with Simon’s tongue lapping inside his mouth. It was such a heady feeling, Simon moving over him, kissing all over his face and neck as Simon tried to uncap the lube.  

He’d never been fucked like this, it wasn’t fucking, but Nathan would not call it ‘love making’. It was something realer than any sexual experience he’d had in his life. Nathan had never been this intimate with anyone. It was all he could think about as he guided Simon’s hand between his legs, pressed the other’s fingers against his asshole. The coolness of the lubricant made Nathan shiver.

Simon eyes were on him, the look was questioning, as though he needed the guidance and Nathan figured that he probably did.

“Do you really need me to tell you to stick it in there?” Nathan barked leaning up on his elbows, legs open and his arse on show between them.

“N-no,” Simon muttered, the flush from his cheeks spread down his neck and across his chest.

“Then do it,” Nathan replied.

Simon’s finger pushed inside him the instant Nathan stopped talking, making him hiss into a keen. He watched Simon as the other’s finger pushed in to the knuckle and then pulled out over and over. It was a slow drag that left Nathan feeling as though Simon was pulling his soul out of his asshole, it was only one finger and Nathan already felt halfway gone.

By the time Simon slipped another finger inside him, Nathan’s thighs were shaking, toes curling as he dug his heels into the mattress. Nathan wasn’t bashful by any measure so the noises fell from his mouth unrestrained. He whined from the back of his throat as Simon crooked his fingers inside him, knocking the breath out of Nathan almost on accident.

“You can’t be a total virgin and be touching me like that, I don’t buy it,” Nathan rambled, trying not to come from a few fingers up his arse alone. “You’ve slipped a finger in while wanking haven’t you?”

“I just did my research,” Simon muttered. He wrapped his hand around Nathan’s straining cock as though he were trying to shut him up.

It didn’t exactly shut him up, but it did stop him from talking. Legs quaking as he pressed his head back against the mattress and moaned. Fingers twisted in the sheets. Simon added another finger and started to pump them in and out of Nathan’s arse. It felt incredible, even with Simon’s inexperience and stuttered naivety, despite how intimate Nathan was pretending that it wasn’t. If Simon didn’t shove his dick inside him soon Nathan was going to prematurely blow his load.

“Are you ever going to fuck me?” Nathan said, leaning up on his elbows and canting his hips against Simon’s fingers. “’Cause if you don’t do it soon then I’m gonna explode in your face,” he warned, “which might be fucking amazing, but I’m sure you don’t want that.”

Nathan watched as Simon swallowed and stood from the bed, finally Simon pulled off his underwear. His erection bouncing free as he kicked off the boxers. He rolled the condom studiously down his cock, slicked his dick in the lubrication and climbed back on the bed, positioning himself between Nathan’s legs again.

Then all the frenetic confidence drained straight out of Simon’s face. Nathan knew that he’d have to take control, Simon wasn’t going to move any time this century, and when he did get going it would be awkward and awful which quite frankly Nathan wasn’t up for.

He got up on his knees without saying a word. If it had been any other time or any other person, if he hadn’t of died no more than an hour or so ago, then he’d have said something. Prodded and teased like usual. Instead he kissed Simon as he pushed the other back, climbed onto Simon’s lap. Simon’s hands came to his hips, slid up to his ribs, touching him tenderly. Nathan slipped his hand underneath himself and guided Simon’s cock inside him.

The slow decent was torturous and Nathan hissed out breath as he went down. At least Simon had the self-restraint not to thrust up into him, for once that stone cold tied down personality was working in Nathan’s favour.

His thighs quaked as he finally rested his arse on the top of Simon’s legs. Nathan felt his insides throbbing around Simon’s cock. They groaned against each other’s skin and tried to catch their breath as they shuddered against each other. He started to move, hips rolling as he rocked up and down on his knees, dipping the mattress with every movement.

Simon alternated between staring holes in Nathan’s skin and looking at anything but him, which certainly wouldn’t do.

Nathan put one hand on Simon’s shoulder and the other on Simon’s knee for extra leverage and started to move with feeling. Simon’s eyes shuttered, noises croaked and died in his throat. It took a second, but then Simon’s hips were coming up to meet him, moving with him. Fingers dug into Nathan’s hips, nails making crescent moons in his skin.  

Simon had way more strength in his legs than Nathan had and quickly took over the drive and rhythm of the motions between them. Nathan swore harshly into the crook of Simon’s neck, holding on for dear life as Simon jack-hammered into him. He babbled incoherently against Simon’s skin. Keening, whining and moaning, Nathan shook and he was sweating out of his skin, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut as he struggled to keep a hold of Simon.

Nathan’s grip slipped and he fell backward onto the mattress, Simon chased him, continuing on unrelentingly. Neither of them was going to last much longer. Quite frankly, Nathan was surprised that Simon had lasted this long.

He slipped his hand between them and wrapped his hand around his leaking cock. Nathan bit his lip, scrunched his eyes shut and came across their stomachs, toes curled against the small of Simon’s back. He melted back against the sheets, getting lost in the undertow of his orgasm. Simon quickly followed. Spurting into the condom, Nathan could feel him pulsing inside him. Simon groaned lowly and slumped against Nathan.

They lied there catching their breath. Nathan felt liquid, too hot and sticky, it wasn’t the most uncomfortable he’d ever been though. After a few minutes Simon pulled out of him and dropped onto the bed beside Nathan. He pulled off the condom, tied it up and threw it into the trash bin in the corner.

“If it’s always going to go like that then I might die more often,” Nathan smirked as he turned toward Simon. The sweat and come was cooling on his skin but it didn’t matter.

“Please don’t do that,” Simon murmured, brows pinched as he looked over at Nathan.

“I’m only joshing with ya,” Nathan chuckled and jostled Simon’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Simon sighed and let Nathan’s clammy touch drag all over him. “We should wash,” he added after a moment.

“Yeah,” Nathan replied without feeling.

They clambered off the bed and made their way into the bathroom. Nathan had showered with plenty of people, but this is was instantly different, as was everything he did with Simon. They washed under the stream of water, moved together without the usual tension between them, bumping into each other, brushing against each other without it meaning anything and meaning everything at the same time.

Nathan couldn’t get out of there quicker. Moving a little more carefully than usual, he made his way back to the bed and pulled his boxers on. He couldn’t read too much into the situation or Simon’s feelings, they were both feeling weird, they were both trying to ignore how he’d died a few hours ago. There was too much to see that might not mean anything. Nathan flopped down onto the bed and closed his eyes, ignoring the way Simon’s weight next to him made it easier for him to fall asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

He wasn’t exactly having a crisis of conscious, mostly because Nathan didn’t believe he really had a conscious despite a whole lot of evidence pointing to the contrary, but he was definitely feeling something as stared down at Simon’s sleeping from.

It was eleven thirty, Nathan could see the numbers blinking red from the digital clock on the bedside table, it took a moment before he was able to see Simon through the darkness. Those ever present frown lines were smoothed out and Simon looked more relaxed than Nathan had ever seen him, even when he was coming or during the come down and afterglow, Simon had never looked so relaxed. It took a good year or two from Simon’s face.

If things were different, if the both of them were a little more adjusted, then they might have had the kind of brotherly relationship that the both of them craved. Nathan vaguely remembered some online conversation where Simon confessed to wishing he had an older brother while Nathan himself had always wanted to be an older brother. Instead they were here, fucking to chase away the grim reaper.

It was fucked up. Nathan knew it was fucked up, but he didn’t exactly feel bad about it, he just didn’t want to shatter what was already an innately fragile thing. They’d barely restarted the ‘in between thing’ between them and Nathan couldn’t deal with intimate situations and emotions from himself and from Simon. Not yet, not ever, he’d have been lying if he had said he saw himself getting over it. He was already back to thinking Simon was better off without him.

Nathan groaned and pressed his face into the pillow. Simon shifted beside him, making a similar noise to Nathan as he stirred and woke up. Nathan turned on the bed to face Simon again.

“Hey lover,” Nathan slurred, lips still pressed against the pillow.

“Hi,” Simon croaked and looked over at the clock, he groaned again.

Nathan watched as Simon switched the bedside lamp on and scrambled out of the bed, Simon searched through his clothes and pulled his phone out of his trousers, the light from the phone lit Simon’s face harshly. After a moment he brought the phone up to his ear, stood and turned his back to Nathan as though that give him some privacy. Nathan began to drift close to falling back to sleep while Simon spoke in hushed tones to someone on the phone.

Simon sat down on the edge of the bed, the shifting weight woke Nathan up from what must have only been a few minutes of sleep. He rubbed his eyes and tried to fully wake himself up. He got up into a sitting position and coiled himself along Simon’s back. Nathan tucked his chin over Simon’s shoulder and watched as he texted Kelly, Simon was vaguely telling her what had happened without going into detail.

“Who was that?” Nathan asked only just managing to hide his jealousy.

“Who?” Simon replied without looking up from the phone, for some reason that ground Nathan’s gears.

“Who were you talking to on the phone?” Nathan clarified. He turned his mouth toward Simon’s neck, mouthing the other’s skin softly.

“My mum,” Simon murmured, shifting under Nathan’s touch. “I just needed to let her know where I’ve been.”

“Oh.” Nathan stopped instantly. He couldn’t remember the last time his mother had needed or wanted to know where he was, he couldn’t remember the last time she’d cared where he was. He swallowed down the hurt and moved around Simon with a smirk. “Did ya tell her that you had to miss dinner because you were too busy fucking my brains out? Getting your cheery popped,” he went on as he sat next to Simon, leaning into the other with his legs off the bed.

“I told her that a friend needed my help,” Simon said simply. He reached over Nathan and set the phone down on the bedside table.

“Lying to your parents, I’m such a bad influence,” Nathan smiled, leaning against Simon. Shoulder to shoulder, skin to skin.

“I’ve lied to my mum a lot, actually,” Simon said, he looked a little dejected as he said it.

“I’ve probably lied more,” Nathan said, trying in his own way to make Simon feel better. “I’ve probably told bigger and weirder lies than you’ve told,” he went on, “I once told my mum that I got a job in a bank and I needed a couple hundred quid to get a suit. And another time I said that a boy in my class had brought a hamster into school and it’d bitten my teacher’s finger clean off. She doesn’t even know that I’m homeless.” He didn’t mean to go to the homeless thing and bring the mood down, but Nathan could only go on for so long about his mum before things took a turn for the worse and depressing.

“My lies are never that wild,” Simon murmured, curling his toes in the carpet.

“You’re not that wild,” Nathan said, latching onto something other than his depressing relationship with his mother, he leaned against Simon. “Although, it looks like I’m rubbing off on you in more ways than one,” he said around his smirk, Simon snorted.

They stayed like that for a moment, sitting together in the dim light from the lamp behind them. It was nice so of course it didn’t last.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened the last time we were in a hotel?” Simon asked. His voice was like lightning through the night.

“I already told you,” Nathan replied, he hoped that Simon would drop it but knew that he wouldn’t.

“You said you were scared, but scared of what?” Simon pushed.

“Why does it matter?” Nathan asked, his head rolled between his shoulders as he looked around the room.

“Because I want to understand, because I don’t want you to be scared,” Simon said earnestly, flaying Nathan with his words.

“I scared myself, it was stupid, I have recognised that it was stupid and have gotten over it,” Nathan returned, vaguely explaining something that he didn’t exactly have a handle on.

“So what happens when you feel that way again?” Simon asked. “What if it’s already happening? How am I supposed to know?” He continued, fingers pressed together as he looked at Nathan.

“I guess you’re not,” Nathan shrugged.

“That’s not a good answer,” Simon said, frowning.

“It’s only been like a week and you’re expecting me to just open up?” Nathan asked, standing from the bed. He started to pace around the room, he hated half naked arguments; they felt more real for some reason.

“But it’s not been a week though, it’s been nearly three months and you’re always dodging my questions,” Simon said because hadn’t this really started the moment they met? Nathan didn’t want to have that conversation, not on top of this one.

Nathan groaned and pushed his fingers through his hair, curling over himself. Simon was right, he knew that, but it didn’t make anything easier. Even thinking about saying something close to the truth felt like his intestines were being pulled out through his belly button.

“I just don’t want to accidentally use you,” he struggled out, the words cut him like he was chewing on glass, spitting blood.

“I don’t understand,” Simon asked, brows pinched as he stared up at Nathan.

“I use people like I use drugs,” Nathan clarified, “I never thought about it and now I’m thinking about it because yeah this matters to me and I don’t want to do that to you,” he went on, straining not to grit his teeth.

“You’re scared that you’re going to use me without knowing it?” Simon said, working through it as he spoke, face still scrunched up.

“I mean that’s kind of what happened the last time we were in a hotel and now even,” Nathan said, pacing again, stepping over clothes and he didn’t know who’s they were.

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean? I don’t know, maybe I’m just trying not to feel like shit because I’m dying all the time and I’m homeless and I watched my fucking brother die and I just need to stop thinking about it because how am I supposed to make this better?” Nathan said, flailing his hands around as he spoke.

“I don’t know what to say to that,” Simon muttered.

“Of course you don’t, you haven’t experienced half the shit I’ve been through, even before all of this storm bullshit. And that makes it worse,” Nathan returned.

“Why does that make it worse?” Simon asked. He didn’t seem affronted but there was something about the set of his face that belied his discomfort with Nathan’s statement.

“Because you’re so naïve and innocent and inexperienced, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing with me so I could do anything and you wouldn’t know,” Nathan explained as though it should be obvious.

“But you’re not though,” Simon replied flatly.  

“I dunno, I try to manipulate you all the time,” Nathan said.

“It’s obvious though, when you want something from me, I know what you’re doing,” Simon returned, face set, staring at Nathan as he paced in circles.

“What about when I’m teasing you and calling you a paedophile and everything?” Nathan offered, he wasn’t sure that he knew what his argument was anymore, he wasn’t sure that this was an argument at all.

“You said you did that for attention,” Simon said, throwing Nathan’s own words back at him.

“Why do you have to remember everything I’ve ever said?” Nathan spat, brows pinched as he stared across the room at Simon.

“One of us has to,” Simon said, restraining his smile.

Nathan sighed hard and dropped down onto the end of the bed. This was stupid and he was being stupid, he didn’t expect to sound so fucking dumb when he said it out loud.

“I don’t think you’re using me any more than I’m using you,” Simon said, watching Nathan’s back. “I feel better about things when I’m around you and I guess that’s what you’re saying right, that you’re using me to feel good, but isn’t that what being around someone you like should feel like?”

“I guess so,” Nathan replied, although Simon’s words just cemented the fact that he’d been so fucking dumb to worry about it.

“Now you’re the uptight one,” Simon joked, lightly pushing at Nathan’s shoulder.

“Oi, don’t go getting cocky, I’m just having a momentary lapse but I’ll be back to my usual free-wheeling care free self any second now,” Nathan said, reaching over to flick Simon’s nose.

“Okay,” Simon snickered, “while you’re doing that I’m gonna order pizza,” he said as he picked his phone back up.

Nathan decided that worrying about all of the garbage decaying in his stomach wasn’t doing him any good. Instead of letting it waste any more of his time, he practically climbed into Simon’s lap and made himself a nuisance as Simon tried to order them pizza.

 

* * *

 

The pizza came and Simon paid, now dressed in his trousers and undershirt. Nathan had put on his jeans, there was no way he was going to put his ruined t-shirt back on, and was sprawled out across the bed as Simon brought the pizza boxes and drinks over.

“Community service will be over soon,” Simon stated. He sat on the end of the bed facing Nathan, he set the boxes down between them and passed Nathan his drink.

“Yeah, I’m really going to miss cleaning up after the dregs of society,” Nathan chuckled, “I’m the dregs of society and I can’t wait to have other people cleaning up after me again.” They opened the boxes and the greasy scent of the pizzas wafted into the air, it made Nathan’s stomach growl.

“What are you going to do?” Simon asked, he looked up and over at Nathan.

“What?” Nathan hummed, with a slice of pizza against his lips.

“When our community service is over, what are you going to do? Are you still going to stay in the community centre?” Simon elaborated.

“I don’t know,” Nathan shrugged, “getting enough money together to get this hotel and revoke your virgin card was about as far into the future I’ve ever planned,” he admitted.

“Oh, well that’s not really surprising,” Simon said, smirking over at Nathan.

“What about you?” Nathan asked mostly because he didn’t want to get sucked into the depressive sink hole that was thinking about his future.

“My mum’s been talking to me about going back to school, doing a short college course or maybe an online course or something,” Simon murmured, looking down at the bottle of cola sweating in his hands.

“Yeah,” Nathan breathed, he tried to stamp out the vicious jealousy that was trying to rear up inside him. He could listen to Simon without hating him for it.

“It’s kind of weird though, she hasn’t really ever been that involved in my life but recently she’s been a bit more supportive,” Simon said as though he hardly believed it, he took a sip of his drink before continuing. “It started when you sort of dumped me-“

“I didn’t dump you, we’re not boyfriends, this isn’t like that, I didn’t dump you,” Nathan jumped in, he didn’t know why the clarification was important to him, but he hated the sound of those words coming out of Simon’s mouth.

“You dumped me and I guess she figured out that something was wrong,” Simon went on as though Nathan hadn’t interrupted him. “Maybe she thought that I was getting depressed again or something might happen, but ever since she’s been interested in what I’ve been doing,” he finished with a small smile and took another slice of pizza.

“If only she knew what her sweet little boy really has been doing,” Nathan smirked pointing his finger at Simon. Joking to cover up how weird he felt.

“Like all the trouble we’ve been in, her head might explode,” Simon said, frowning down at his pizza slice.

“I was more talking about how we’re messing around, don’t know if she’d be scandalised to find out that her son’s been fucking some junkie skank in a shitty hotel, but yeah the murder and super powers and several bodies we’ve hidden are all good contenders too,” Nathan rambled, scrambling to avoid anything that would give off a bad vibe, hotels were places of pleasure and he was desperately trying to keep it that way.

Simon was staring at him intently, which wasn’t any different from usual and Nathan would usually be basking in this kind of attention. However, there was something melancholic about Simon’s gaze that worried Nathan.

“What?”

“That’s the first time I’ve really heard you say something bad about yourself,” Simon said, he set the half finished slice of pizza back down against the cardboard.

“What are you talking about, I’m fucking fantastic, there’s nothing bad about me so how could I say something bad eh?” Nathan returned as he waved Simon off, making faces at the other.

“You just called yourself a ‘junkie skank’,” Simon stated flatly.

“No I didn’t,” Nathan said.

“Are saying that I’m lying?” Simon said, brows pinched in either confusion or frustration or both, Nathan figured that it was probably both.

“No, you just misheard me,” Nathan replied quickly, the lies fell from his mouth reflexively.

“I didn’t,” Simon said sneering, his tone was dangerously close to being offended.

“I honestly don’t know what you want from me,” Nathan said, dropping his hands against his crossed legs, he deflated.

“I don’t know why you’re lying about it,” Simon said quietly.

“It’s not important,” Nathan said flippantly. He rushed half a slice of pizza down his throat in an effort to chase away whatever feeling it was that he was avoiding this time.

“Then why lie about it?” Simon returned, brows furrowed and lips pursed.

“I don’t know,” Nathan shrugged, it wasn’t quite true because he could know, he just didn’t want to.

Simon groaned and patted down his hair. There was a moment of silence between them, it was so tense that it felt like a solid concrete wall between them, the feeling of it made Nathan’s skin itch. He needed the noise. Nathan was just about to open his mouth and let whatever was waiting on his tongue out in the air between them. Simon spoke before Nathan could though.

“You’re exhausting,” Simon sighed.

“You can get off the ride any time you want Barry,” Nathan returned sarcastically as he gestured toward the door.

“I’m not saying that I want to end this, I just don’t get why you’re so defensive and argumentative about things that you say don’t matter,” Simon said.

“Because it does matter, you’re smart enough to figure that out,” Nathan ground out.

“Then why lie about it?” Simon asked again, clearly exasperated at having to repeat himself again.

Nathan was asking himself that question too. He didn’t really know, he just hated the thought of exploring his feelings on his own inside his mind, never mind out in the open with his mouth and with Simon.

“You should be able to figure that out right?” He muttered. Simon surely knew him well enough to talk his way toward something close to the truth.

“Because it’s not a joke? But I don’t see how that could be something you really think about yourself, you’re the most confident person I’ve ever met,” Simon said, face scrunched up as he talked, staring hard at some point on the wall.

Nathan took that statement like a sucker punch to the gut. He couldn’t help but laugh, the sound punched through his teeth and burst out of his mouth, inappropriately filling the air between them. Simon still looked deathly serious.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’ll let you in on a well known secret about confidence Barry,” Nathan said and took a bite out of his pizza, “you just gotta fake it ‘til ya make it like any porn star worth their weight in come does,” he smirked at Simon.

“I still don’t get it,” Simon said, the confusion clearly marring his skin.

“I don’t know Simon,” Nathan muttered and pushed his fingers through his hair, “I guess that shit I don’t want to come out just comes out around you because it’s easier to talk around you and I’ve let my guard down or something fucking lame and sappy like that,” he rambled, the words tumbling out of his mouth as he resolutely did not look at Simon.

“Oh, okay,” Simon said.

Simon got up from the bed. Nathan didn’t know what was happening, he couldn’t read anything in Simon’s words or his tone, it made him a little anxious but he still didn’t look up from his cooling pizza. Simon’s fingers curled under Nathan’s chin and tipped his head back until their eyes met. He seemed amused and Nathan tried to hate him for it but he couldn’t find the energy, especially not when the heat of Simon’s greasy fingertips was seeping into his skin. Simon leaned down and kissed him softly.

“I know this sort of thing is hard for you,” Simon said against Nathan’s mouth and kissed him again, holding the other close with his fingers caught around Nathan’s jaw.

“I’m always hard for you,” Nathan replied because being this sincere was scary and he just couldn’t do it for any extended period of time. Simon laughed into his mouth, tongue flicking out to lap at the seam of Nathan’s lips. “Can I finish my pizza before we got all hot and heavy again because it’s been a while since I late anything,” Nathan said with effort as he tore his mouth away from Simon’s.

He felt dizzy and it wasn’t just because he couldn’t remember when he’d last drank or ate anything. Simon’s growing confidence around him was heady, maybe it had something to do with Simon’s intense protectiveness of him. Nathan had thought that protectiveness was born from failing to save him up on that roof. He didn’t really blame Simon for his death, but there was something about it that had started the pull of string and stitches between them, the tattoo incident had only yanked them hard together and they were both left reeling from those events.

Nathan tried to focus on the present, feel the grease against his fingertips, smell the scent of pizza and cola in the air. Simon went back to the other end of the bed and his pizza. They finished their food in a kind of electrified silence, one that was filled the promise of physical pleasure. At least he wouldn’t have to think anymore.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains references to suicide.

Community service was over and Nathan was trying not to fall apart. The afterglow had definitely worn off.

Simon’s heartfelt speech made Nathan itchy. It was too sincere and Nathan was garbage next to it, every word might have been true for Simon but the things that had happened to Nathan during their community service were mostly absolutely awful.

They’d almost been murdered by their probation worker, then they’d had to kill him and bury the bodies, then they had to dig up and rebury them. He’d fucked an old lady which didn’t actually bother him that much anymore but had been pretty traumatising at the time, he’d been made homeless and his mum was fucking a man who thought he was a Jack Russell. His friends had been brain washed and he’d died, he had been buried, he had died over and over again breathing in oxygen starved air inside his own coffin for who knows how long. He had died again when dealing with Simon’s stalker shape-shifter, they got rid of another body, he’d watched his brother die and let another opportunity to patch up his relationship with his father crumble and decay. Then there was everything to do with that damn tattoo. He’d died of an overdose, he’d nearly been raped and they had to bury another body. Then he’d been stabbed and died again. He had fucked Simon around and hurt him more than he’d meant, not that his intentions mattered, but he didn’t intend for things to go as far as they did. The list was long and Nathan had trouble thinking around it. And those were only the things that had happened to him.

“It’s been the best time of my life,” Simon declared to the room, smiling as he said it. It was genuine and saccharin and Nathan felt like he was rotting inside.

Good things had happened too. He had gained a group of actual friends, people he could rely on, people that didn’t hate being around him. He was immortal which was pretty cool and useful even if the act of dying was painful and terrifying. His friends had super powers, he had a super power. He had Simon and that thought rocketed through him like fucking lightning.

“Nah, I had a trip to Spain last year, that was way better,” he said, dispelling the intimate atmosphere around them all.

“Does anyone fancy a drink?” Kelly asked.

They ended up at the bar on the estate. He crammed Simon into the corner of the booth so he could touch him under the table, fingers already curled over Simon’s thigh. Beer left sweating on the table. It was a good way to distract himself.

“So we’re dating,” Alisha announced, her and Kelly’s hands were intertwined and she held them up between them over the table.

“You’re taking the muff dive?” Nathan exclaimed, wholly excited to have something to focus on that wasn’t his super complicated feelings. “And you were so offended when I was in love with Barry,” he said, turning on Kelly.

“I wasn’t being homophobic I just thought you were fucking around with him,” Kelly said, exasperated as she rolled her eyes.

Nathan could feel Simon’s eyes on him, wondering if he should say what everyone already knew. If Simon wanted to say something then that was his prerogative. Nathan himself couldn’t give a shit whether people knew or not and Simon would hate it if he bragged about banging him.

“You already told me you two are together so I don’t know why you’re trying to hide it,” Alisha muttered, practically scowling at Nathan.

He could feel the shock rock through Simon beside him.

“It’s pretty obvious,” Kelly added casually.

“It’s painfully obvious,” Nikki chimed in, speaking around the lip of her whiskey.

“What?” Curtis asked, face scrunched up as he turned his head to Nikki.

“You don’t know?” Alisha said smirking at Curtis.

“Wait you and Simon?” Curtis said with raised brows and a face full of confusion, head spinning toward Nathan, clearly unable to fathom what was right before his eyes.

“You’re so fucking dense,” Alisha spat.

“I just can’t see it,” Curtis said as though Nathan and Simon weren’t sat right there across from him.

“Do I need to kiss him for you to believe it?” Nathan said as brash as usual.

“Nathan,” Simon whined in a murmur, his voice was barely above a whisper but Nathan knew that Simon’s soul would astral project from his body if he kissed him in front of everyone just to prove a point.

“Simon is this for real?” Curtis asked, clearly he still couldn’t believe it and he wasn’t taking Nathan’s word for it, which Nathan didn’t fault him for.

“Yes,” Simon said simply.

“Yes?” Curtis repeated and Simon nodded in reply. “You kiss him?” He added, lip curling back as he spoke.

“Why are you so disgusted? I’ll have you know that I am a fantastic snog,” Nathan said defensively, gesticulating over the table, hands coming a little too close to some of the drinks.

“You’re gross and I just can’t see you being in a relationship,” Curtis replied, still sneering as stared back at Nathan.

“You can see it! It’s right here,” Nathan said, flapping his hand between himself and Simon.

“Really, it’s always been kind of obvious,” Nikki said, eyeing Curtis hard.

“Yeah, remember how he was always filming me at first and I’d whore it up for the camera while pretending to be creeped out, even though it was kind of creepy,” Nathan said, pleading his case because he couldn’t believe that Curtis still wasn’t having it.

“Or how Nathan picks on him,” Kelly offered.

“I just thought that was because Simon’s an easy target, no offense mate, you’re just a bit more sensitive than the rest of us,” Curtis said.

“Okay, but what about the fact that Simon always goes back to him, every time, no matter what the insult is,” Alisha said, her voice was droll, as though she were entirely done with the whole conversation.

Simon was scarlet red, the blush was darkening his cheeks, and he tried to hide it behind his beer.

“It doesn’t matter, they’re together and that’s that,” Kelly said, trying to finish the conversation, obviously she was trying to save Simon from further embarrassment.

“Okay,” Curtis murmured, he took a sip of his cider. “So, are we going somewhere else ‘cause I don’t want to spend my whole night in this fucking dive,” he continued, looking around the half empty bar.

“I thought you were never going to bring it up,” Nikki muttered and finished off her whiskey.

“Oh yeah, now you’re speaking my language,” Nathan smirked and drowned the rest of his own drink.

 

* * *

 

They traded one booth for another, the seats were better as well as the music but the drinks were more expensive. All of them brought the cheapest items on the menu just so that they could drink more and for longer. The night was still young and so were they. Nathan wanted that night to be one last hoorah, New Years fireworks, whiteout orgasms and the best high of all time rolled into one. 

Seeing Kelly and Alisha dancing together for the first time was kind of a sexual fantasy that Nathan hadn’t explored and he definitely couldn’t do it then if the glare Kelly was sending him was anything to go by. Instead he turned his attention to Simon.

Simon didn’t dance, was still too shy for that, which was really killing Nathan’s high.

He pressed Simon into the corner of the booth, cowing and crowding him, Simon was probably used to it at this point. He put his mouth close to Simon’s ear so that the other could hear him, but mostly to rile Simon up. His chest was against Simon’s shoulder. Nathan knew exactly what he was doing as he breathed against Simon’s ear and down his neck.

“You gonna dance with me lover boy?” Nathan asked, voice low and sultry.

“I might need a few more drinks before that,” Simon muttered, fingers curled around the larger that was sweating in his lap.

“Oh, so you have to be drunk to dance with me?” Nathan squawked in mock offense as he held his hand over his heart, mouth wide open. 

“Maybe I just have to be drunk to dance,” Simon returned.

“That’s why I’m here, you’re practically getting a contact high from being near me, even more so because of where your dick’s been,” Nathan said, speaking in the small distance between them, Simon grimaced at his words. “You shouldn’t feel self conscious when you’re with me, I suck up all the attention like a sponge, all eyes on me,” he went on, moving again to speak against Simon’s skin, lips against Simon’s neck.

“I guess that’s true,” Simon said, smiling as Nathan kissed his neck.

“So, you gonna dance with your boyfriend or what?” Nathan asked, dropping the ‘b’ word in there nonchalantly as though it didn’t feel as though he’d just shoved his hand down his throat and pulled his heart out to show Simon.

“Okay,” Simon said, smiling from ear to ear as he turned his head to meet Nathan’s lips.

 

* * *

 

Simon and Kelly really got their shit together, not that Alisha and Curtis didn’t have their shit together, but they hadn’t found their calling like Kelly and Simon had.

Simon finished a video editing course and worked for some production company in the city, and Kelly became a certified counsellor. While Curtis and Alisha worked at the same kitsch pub with Nikki, it was far enough off of the estate to actually be kind of cool. He definitely couldn’t afford to drink there.

Nathan couldn’t hold anything down. The longest he’d managed to keep a job was a month, mostly though he only lasted a week or just over. The people at the Job Centre were sick of his face and sick of his shit.

He lived with Simon in a small flat that cost too much. Simon constantly reassured him that everything was fine, that they had enough money and Simon would make sure that things continued to be fine until Nathan got on his feet. Nathan didn’t think that he’d ever get on his feet. Thinking about the rent and all those other things gave Nathan a headache, so he tried not to do that too much. The most he’d done between the end of community service and now was get clean and that had been harder than he’d expected.

Falling in love didn’t solve everything.

In a way he felt kept, like one of those women in black and white movies that were just one more failure away from losing it, murdering their husband and trying to seduce the detective investigating her crime. Smoking cigarettes at the kitchen table while the countertops gleamed.

Nathan didn’t smoke anymore. The glass of rose sat on the table and Nathan was so disappointed in himself for not drinking it straight out of the bottle. Maybe he should just pop a Molly, finish the bottle and jump out the window. That’d just make Simon sad and the thought of that was torturous. The thought of being buried again was worse, it made Nathan shudder.

Nathan dropped his head onto the table, closed his eyes and listened to the radio as it droned on behind him. The station was playing 90’s music, it gave Nathan a kind of nostalgia for a time he wasn’t entirely cognisant for, he was only three when Kurt Cobain died. Despite that the music had filled his childhood and it was nice to have something familiar wash over him like a soft blanket.

 

> _Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep._
> 
> _Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep._

 

He was out of his seat in an instant, the chair scraped across the newly washed floor but Nathan didn’t care. He switched the radio off and turned on the television. After retrieving his clichéd glass of rose, he dropped himself down onto the couch and flicked through the channels until the glass was empty and his eyelids were too heavy to keep open.

Fingers slipped through his hair and Nathan was instantly awake, knocking the thankfully empty glass on its side on the coffee table. His heart was jack-hammering in his chest, as though it were slamming against the cage of his ribs, trying to break out of his chest. Simon’s gentle touch slipped down to Nathan’s shoulder as he rose up and blinked hard at Simon.

“You okay?” Simon murmured, voice low and soft, as he kissed the top of Nathan’s head.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nathan replied and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “How was work?” He asked. It was all so painfully domestic, Nathan thought as he watched Simon right the glass and sit down next to him on the sofa.

“Fine, I’m just tired,” Simon said, punctuating his statement with a yawn. “Do you want to get take out?” he asked as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“Sure,” Nathan said.

They ate Chinese food and Simon put on Some Like It Hot as though Nathan had never seen it. He surprised Simon by quoting the lines as the characters on the screen were saying them, Nathan jumped out of his seat and turned it into his own performance, living in Simon’s loving and long suffering gaze.

He really did die in the moments when Simon wasn’t looking at him.

 

* * *

 

It was a dark afternoon, clouds as gray as the concrete moved through the sky. Nathan was draped across Kelly’s sofa in her office. He was chewing on a sandwich she’d given him, they’d started hanging out during her lunch breaks whenever he felt like he needed to get outside.

“It’ll work out Nathan,” Kelly said as she sipped on her bottle of water.

“If you keep saying that and I’m going to ruin your Freudian sofa with my blood,” Nathan threatened in a mutter, speaking around a bite of the sandwich.

“You’ll die,” Kelly stated.

“Yeah but it won’t last and you’ll have to pay for a new couch,” Nathan said, painting a picture as he made vague illusions of the act of slitting his throat with his hand.

“Okay,” Kelly said, she’d become an expert at dodging Nathan’s bullshit.

Nathan groaned as he dragged his hands down his face. He sat up and finished the sandwich because he didn’t have anything more to say, he couldn’t carry on with the charade when Kelly wasn’t playing along.

“Things are better Nath, you’re clean, you have a stable relationship, you have a support network and somewhere to live,” Kelly began, it was something that Nathan had heard over and over during the short time he’d spent in rehab. “It’s basically the perfect starter kit to getting your life together, but you’re impatient as fuck and this shit takes time, it’ll be fine you’ve just got to give it time,” she said, reiterating the same thing she’d been saying to him for the last few months.

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Nathan said with a roll of his eyes.

“Everyone says it because it’s true,” Kelly said, arms folded over her chest, and Nathan couldn’t fault her for that.

 

* * *

 

He woke up. The only thing left of what he’d done was the blood in the water and the kitchen knife sitting on the tub’s edge. The water was stone cold. Nathan couldn’t tell how long he’d been there, but the sun was definitely lower in the sky. Goose flesh rose over his skin. He didn’t want to get out of the water just yet, he needed time to come back to himself.

“Nathan,” Simon’s voice came through the door and Nathan felt like he was having déjà vu.

This time he’d forgotten to lock the door, this time Simon wasn’t too shy to come in.

Nathan scrambled to pull the plug, his wild movements pushed the knife off the side and it clinked at the bottom of the tub. His heart was seizing in his throat.

“Yeah,” he said turning to climb out of the bath and hide the crimson water with his body.

“Nathan what’s going on?” Simon asked as he opened the door.

The room suddenly felt so narrow, as though the walls were closing in. He was getting claustrophobic.

“Nothing,” he replied with pinched brows as though Simon was being ridiculous.

“The water’s red,” Simon stated.

Everything went silent. It felt as though his ears were stuffed with cotton.

“I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, shit’s all sideways,” Nathan said, dropping the walls and displaying all his garbage for Simon to see.

“I don’t really understand what you’re saying Nathan,” Simon said as he moved further into the room.

“If I’m lost how am I supposed to find myself?” Nathan muttered, he barely knew what he was saying. He felt deflated and pathetic, especially considering that he was still naked.

“Just tell me what’s going on,” Simon implored.

Nathan ripped the towel off of the radiator and wrapped it around himself, he definitely wasn’t going to have this conversation when he was completely naked.

“You know I’m allergic to emotional vulnerability,” Nathan said, but the way that Simon was staring back at him said that he wasn’t buying it. “You want me to tell you what’s going on with me, okay, okay. Well I miss brother for starters but I didn’t really even know him and I’ll never get the chance to. And I feel guilty about it because if he hadn’t met me he would still be alive. On top of that I watched him die. Oh! And I saw his fucking ghost. He had the audacity to try and patch up me and my dad, as a ghost, which lasted for all of three seconds.

“And my fucking dad,” Nathan gave a humourless laugh, pacing back and forth in front of Simon. “My dad was barely there even when he was there. I told Jamie this story about my eighth birthday. My dad was supposed to take me out but he took me to Ikea. He brought so much flat-pack crap that he couldn’t fit it all in the car, so he left me there on my own. Then this guy came up to me and asked me if I was hungry and had meatballs with me. Turns out he was a known paedophile,” Simon went deathly still but Nathan was on a roll and he couldn’t stop now. “Good old dad came back to pick me up before the kiddy fiddler could break my neck and fuck my corpse. He doesn’t even remember it though.

“He doesn’t remember because he got so confused between all the stories I’ve told.” Nathan was shaking, he was so close to saying it. “I lied so much parents have no idea what actually happened to me and what didn’t. Once I said that one of my mum’s boyfriends had been touching me, he wasn’t, but everyone was paying attention to me and being really nice and I didn’t have to go to school for ages. My mum hit the roof when she found out I’d lied. I was in therapy for ages, didn’t seem to work though,” he said with a shrug. The next thing he said was quick and Nathan wasn’t going to repeat himself. “And when it really happened no one believed me.”

“What?” Simon as though he couldn’t help himself, the words had punched out of him. 

“Why would they believe me? Shit came out of my mouth all the time, this wasn’t anything different,” Nathan said, smiling bitterly at Simon as he sat on the edge of the bathtub, all the frantic energy he’d been riding off of for that last few minutes drained straight out of him.

“What happened to them?” Simon’s gaze was intense.

“I don’t know, they weren’t with my mum for long,” Nathan said with a shrug.

This was the first time he was saying a lot of this stuff. The fact that he was practically naked, sitting in his bathroom, still dripping with water as he dropped all the trauma he’d been through in his relatively short life. He figured he didn’t have anything to lose now that all of his dirty laundry was on display, so he went on.

“Then I fell in love with you and it just fucking destroyed me.”

“You mean the tattoos?” Simon asked, brows furrowed as his eyes lost their previous intensity.

“Yeah, I mean the fucking tattoo,” Nathan said, he didn’t have the energy to act angry about it and really he wasn’t anymore. “It was just maybe the thing that made me snap, I don’t know, I’ve never been in love it was kind of a shock to the system,” he muttered staring up at Simon.

“You’ve never loved anyone?” Simon asked, but he didn’t entirely seem surprised.

“I love my mum, but that’s not what I mean,” Nathan replied.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” Simon said.

“This shit,” Nathan said as he gestured between them, “it’s all a lie, everything between us is a lie because I just wanted to feel like that again. I wanted to feel something pure, well not pure but real for someone else because it was something I never felt before,” he continued, struggling to keep his eyes on Simon as he spoke.

“Okay,” Simon said, he was following Nathan’s word but definitely not his feelings.

“But what if I’ve just been chasing a feeling that I don’t feel this whole time, what if it’s just another high,” Nathan rambled intensely, waxing philosophy that didn’t suit him.

“You haven’t been high in months,” Simon stated, completely missing the point.

“That’s not what I meant,” Nathan murmured, scratching at the back of his head. “I’ve never felt so good and sort of maybe loving you and just the thought of you loving me makes me feel good about myself and nothing makes me feel good about myself,” he admitted, eyes resolutely stuck to a point on the wall beside Simon’s head.

“You don’t think you’re in love with me because it feels good?” Simon asked, his face looked as though it was recoiling from the force of his confusion.

“I don’t know whether I’m in love with you or not because I don’t know where the feelings come from because of that tattoo,” Nathan spat, fingers curled around the rim of the bathtub.

“I guess that could make sense, but I think loving someone is in the things you choose to do for someone, not where the feeling comes from. I know I love you because that’s how I feel when I look at you or think about you and things I choose to do for you,” Simon said thoughtfully, earnestly.

“So you’re saying I love you because I’ve decided to do things for you but I don’t do anything for you,” Nathan sneered, flicking his hand out flippantly.

“That’s not true,” Simon returned sharply.

“How would you know?” Nathan replied with the same energy as Simon.

“Because you’ve done a lot for me,” Simon said, that familiar intensity returned, “you never wanted to be in this sort of relationship, you didn’t want to get close to me, you didn’t want to put a label on us and now you introduce me as your boyfriend,” he went on, throwing words like knives that sunk into Nathan’s skin.

“But that’s all basic shit, most guys would be willing and able to do that stuff from the get go,” Nathan argued, crossing one leg over the other.

“Yeah, maybe, but clearly you’ve been through a lot that made those things hard for you,” Simon returned, pouring Nathan’s words over him.

“You’ve been talking to Kelly haven’t you?” Nathan said.

“I have, she’s my friend,” Simon said, smile curling his lips.

“Look I get what you’re trying to do, but I’m not a good guy. I’ve never been a good guy. You can’t convince me that just because I’ve been through some shit that it excuses everything I’ve done,” Nathan said with a sigh and pushed his hand through his hair.

“I’m not saying that you’re excused because of it, I’m saying that you’ve had to overcome more than other people might have to get to this point,” Simon explained, “and you’ve said that you had feelings for me before the tattoo. Yeah the feelings you had when you had the tattoo might not have been entirely real, but everything after that, you can’t tell me that none of this has been real,” he continued, daring Nathan to argue with his eyes.

Nathan shrugged because he didn’t know how to argue with that but it still felt as least not entirely right. Simon came and sat on the edge of the bathtub beside him, shoulder to shoulder with Nathan. After a moment’s hesitation, Simon kissed, trailing touches up to Nathan’s mouth.

“I know you love me,” Simon said with conviction, pressing the words against Nathan’s lips. “Forget about all of this other stuff and think about it,” he said, imploring Nathan with his words and the touch of his mouth.

Nathan tried, putting aside how he felt about everything they’d been through, how he’d treated Simon and the influence of the tattoo and asked himself if he loved Simon. The sight of Simon still turned him on, it didn’t make his insides look gooey anymore, but he did feel warm and comfortable when he was staring at Simon. He loved being around Simon. It was so easy to relax around the other, he felt like he could be entirely himself when Simon was with him. It had been a long time since he’d tried to push Simon away. He did things for Simon just because he knew Simon would like it. Maybe he really did love Simon.

“I-I,” Nathan started, forehead pressed against Simon’s, “I think I love you.”

It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start, which was just like the rest of his life. Simon kissed him then. Passion thrust against his mouth, hands clamoured upon his neck and slipped into his hair, Nathan openly sighed into Simon’s mouth.

He chose to love him, so the rest didn’t matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me throughout this one. I've had so much fun writing this and I hope you guys enjoyed it too. Thanks again for all the comments and kudos, I'll see you on the next one. x


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